LVYN

Chapter CXXIII: Last Chapter

2008-09-12T22:00:00.000-07:00

This is the last chapter....dunno y leh...not say i not blogging le...but dunno leh...this will be the last chapter of this blog... feel uber depressed...cornered by the problems i should settle 3 years ago...i didn't settle,so leave it till now...i dunno how to settle...so complicated,i simplified till it's actually heart vs brain... so things r obvious,i still got heart ya?haha... but realli hard to decide,but perhaps i had made a decision... erm...so it's...very complicated...actually very simple la...
Due to my admirable intelligence,i make a wonderful decision,so not much of a prob now...so left with this n tt...dun worry...things will got smooth....but about this...haiz...can't force de...i will still try my best to upgrade myself...ok jia you...good bye bloggy...:>

Chapter CXXII: I miss you...

2008-08-12T18:54:00.000-07:00

Dunno y...i just missed u...n i just wanna write here...haiz...i will work hard de...

Chapter CXXI: I'm Back!!

2008-06-29T04:37:00.000-07:00

Yeah i'm back...i didn't inform where i go,but i went to my second ict reservice... this is a hi key,n haiz...dun wanna say much...no comment...those who went through with me will know wat we r doing...kind of hard time...tt's y the whole signal platoon have become more united...haiz...dun wanna say it anymore...this ict makes me treasure civilian life alot...my com my freedom my friends n my gf... everything... hope i won't go back on the next ict which i heard is dunno 2 or 3 years later...
Anyway good to be back...freedom returns,mission begins...

Chapter CXX: Be strong, never be weak

2008-06-10T09:53:00.000-07:00

I was thinking... realli thinking hard... a guy like me.... do i give a feeling tt i'm capable? i always wondered... i'm a strong guy...i will not feel tired,despair,sad,demoralise,or even mentally destructed? all i tried b4 n i started over again...but dunno y...y do ppl have tt feeling tt i'm far more capable then i am... n make me chasing the image tt ppl created tt is always far more stronger than i am? no matter where i am...with who... issit born with me? is this a type of charm? seriously... i guess it's born with me...ever since young...this ton of weight is on me... i wanna say i'm tired... but... to who can i say so?
Betrayers always falls on me... issit becos of this charm? one of the person tt saw my past said b4,those guys envy my presence...tt's y i'm betrayed... issit possible? seems a high testimonial to comfort me tt time... perhaps i shouldn't be the one to say so...ever since long time ago... these shit repeats...for more than 3 times... how many times can i hold on to myself with these kind of betrayer repeats? common sence will tell tt i will not trust anyone... but this reaction is definately not a good reason for suspecting anybody...nobody like to be suspected...including me...but my past build me to this,anything tt is not logical,doesn't make any sense,even a little i will start to suspect...espacially towards ppl tt had lied to me...can't be help....i'm struggling...but who gives a damn?
Sorry if u feel suspected by me...i'm sorry...perhaps u felt tt i dun trust u...but i'm still learning how to trust others...it's painful u know?but sometimes just let me say i'm tired...i'm scared,i need to rest...i need ur security...but...i guess i can't be weak...cos u also created a image tt i'm tt strong...so i have some catching up to do...for u onli...perhaps onli my pillow knows how weak i am n let me rest my head n cry...T.T

Chapter CXIX: Audience; Sign of Corruption!

2008-05-25T04:22:00.000-07:00

Yeah,now my position is an audience...perhaps so far my life is too dramatic... it's time for the others to perform n i c... nice show... ultimate... ppl backstabbing each other r really very interesting... know y i'm a part timer now? hey, bro, take it easy, dunno y,sign of pitiness, the next thing i know is my heart is moving again... hey, relax,i'm an audience after all... just hope tt he could do abit better...advise out from my mouth,fate is his,i stand aside...
Hey gal,relax la...sign of anger... feel like slapping her...understand y so many ppl wanna slap her liao... ' u all still can continue eating,i'm different from u guys...' wtf... wat different? u monster or we idiots? knn...watever...seeing her sad,seriously i didn't show any sign of pity,cos she deserve it ba...enjoy the pain n grow up ba...u r pretty far tho...
Told u,i'm no good... n u r still here for me... i'm touch...my heart move...i begin to cry,laugh,smile,worried,n worst being greedy...seems so alike in the past...past;perhaps i got a real happy past in some sence...but it's past...memories in the past is nothing more than a history book...becos of this book we aware...n becos of awareness,i always use tt as a reminder to myself tt dun forget my lesson,dun forget my promise to myself,n dun forget,the meaning of my one n onli life... but history is just history...we can't use it to do anything else other than all these...me,myself,my intelligience n my capabilities r the key for my future...
Becos of all these,i ever tot tt the hole in my heart already killed my heart,but after long observation n interaction to myself i found tt it's not dead at all,i just've seen the sign of my corruption in my heart... let it be...i'm glad...just hope,i didn't corrupt u...

Chapter CXVIII: Unstable Affliction

2008-05-17T02:31:00.000-07:00

Working for 10 months... once fired by my trusted one... now... u guess wat? wahahaha i'm going off any time...bleaaa.... i still need this job la...wahaha,but realii realli feel like quiting le... like being cursed by unstable affliction... every second i work i feel like just fuck the stupid guest up n go off...n my stupid managers...gain no respect from me...realli...onli some supervisor n captains...i learn something...if u wanna gain respect from someone,respect them is not the onli thing...for work...dive into the shit they r in as much as possible...as a leader,show them wat they can do u can do better...before u fuck them up n call them do this do tt,u can do anot...teaching them wat to do,but wat u r saying r crap in real life situation...say onli...i also can say...one person take the whole restaurant la....nvr fit in their shoe u better shut the fuck up n observe...know the whole situation inside out b4 u start blaming them...in a point of view i realli feel fuck up becos i'm working there...i suffer...n for plan,i have to suffer more than wat i should...but,another point of view,i'm happy,cos this restaurant is not mine! u guys won't get anywhere like tt... changing system like nobody business,setting useless rule onli wasting ur time n money...hoho...good luck...
Haiz...happy 7 months dear... we gonna work harder ya?hope our dreams can come true...dun wan anymore cold war le...not happy just come fuck me up...i love it...
Ha,wat's going on nowadays...getting closer with some of the captains...anyway they r my junior also...but i dun like...cos they have a expectation tt i as a senior r better than them...aiyo how much better...u will slam i won't slam meh...maybe i slam faster finish onli wat...n somemore hor,u guys take 1.5,1.6, i take 6.5 onli...eh i mean per hour...hoho...knn,u all kbkb,say u all do alot...ya la u all really do alot...should praise...but u r still haven't reach tt hell gate la...pay still good,have position,have prospect,although i dunno how long can this restaurant last... me leh? pay so little,kanna eat...taking part time pay do captain job,u think shiok ah?or issit my fault to blame?i too garang sometimes liao...giving a impression,aiya got alvin there no prob de la...nb,i won't tired,i won't have emotion,i won't feel stress?esp when i think about how much i'm getting i sian more than half liao...haiz...thinking of getting full time leh...haiz wait la...the job here is tough,but toughest is stop pampering the guest there n make them happy...
Dunno la...sian...c how first...

Chapter CXVII: Body,heart,faith...

2008-04-28T00:33:00.000-07:00

Yesh!!! finally move a step out....push myself to limit....my 'T' vein also all come out le...when for a run... my determination is so strong orh... today sunday,alot of 'undead' below...also take them as transparent...just run n run...onli bring my key down...grab my key damn tight,cos not enough breath...when reaching destination then i sprint,for ard 100 metre ba...feel like vomitting...wanna faint...then do some chin up n push up n call it a day...
Come home also very xin ku...go bath,my face like turn grey sia...my body still ok...so horrible...realli long time nvr maintain le...tuesday come again...i must move on...this is onli the first step...
Was thinking alot just now...about my failure last time...i talk too much,i think too much,i love too much...love too much tt's y i scare lost,then more i scare,the lesser security i have...in the end i get nothing n lost everything i treasure...dear pls dun mind...i realli talk too much,too much things i shouldn't say,but i just wanna say wat i think,i feel...i dun wanna keep things away...somethings i can tell my parents but i can't tell my friend,which is little...somethings i can tell my friends,but can't tell my parents...somethings i can tell my lover but i can't tell my friends,there's alot,somethings i can tell my lover but not my parents,which is also alot...u can say i chee hong or wat...but my lover i always put as first place...there is very very little things i can't tell my lover...realli,even there is,is something even tell le also not big deal...really...
Eve,there is onli one thing i keep away from u...tt i remember la,i dun remember one is realli nothing big deal...is tt i told my parents tt u r a mix blood...seriously...not on purpose,just a slip of mouth...but now it's all history...nothing important...n for dear,i can't realli remember wat i kept from u...realli nothing ba...onli when boring i go c gals friendster loh...friends la...just concern...boring ma...hope u dun angry...other than tt...i will tell u personally...
I'm thinking...i with someone i love,but she do anything i also dunno...bernard say if u love someone then u trust someone...which i feel pretty ridiculous...especially when i saw ppl with tt kind of evil in them...i dun understand how he put tt in him...he say when they quarrel he will still cry,but how can he trust her to tt extend...i dun understand...realli dun...at least the sense of security must be there loh...perhaps is me ba...haiz...i will still try hard...dear,i will jia you de...n isn't it a good thing tt i jealous when u r close to other guys?haiz...
I love u...i wan ur heart n ur body...i dun wan ur heart onli...i dun wan ur body onli...if i can't have both i would rather dun wan...i wan to know all ur secret...i will let u know all my secret...i wan ur everything even in the past n future...but doesn't seems possible...so at least ur everything from the time we r together...till we leave this world...i wan ur body,heart n ur faith...

Chapter CXVI: Correct Question

2008-04-27T21:45:00.000-07:00

Q: Hey, why do human keep repeating their mistakes?
A: Of cos,not becos of bad memory,it's becos,there's evilness in everyone...greediness, getting one n u wan more,nvr satisfied,this is human...should change a point of view,treasure wat u have while u have the chance...no matter how,it's a good thing to be greedy,if not,u will onli be feeding urself n nothing much gonna happen in life,must well u die...certain amount of evil will make life full of colour...
Wtf i'm doing...=_=" bo liao to the extreme...k time to move on...just waiting for my dinner to be digest...

Chapter CXV: Kill Me!!!

2008-04-27T21:32:00.000-07:00

Ahh!!! going to go crazy... today is my off day...the next off day is on tue... tt's y nvr wash clothes yesterday...tml then wash... dunno y,i always like wasting my off day...when u work,dun u always wish tt ur off day faster come? then wtf i'm doing here? went out with her to c phone...ahhh,decide to buy later... be patient... then?go game shop bought assassin's creed,n change a usb port for her...then?go eat,dunno wat to do...food sucks... then? walk here walk there...met my bro,say bye,then we come my house...install liao cannot play...ccb...this is the main prob,if can play then i won't complain too much... fuck la,then lend her play...sian,watch manga,then dunno wat to do liao...she eating with her family at night...
Internet fucking lag...go online play my usual game...lag like fucking idiot...in the end i go play hp...wa!!! wat kind of off day leh...can be more life anot?just now go makan then saw dave or peter,dunno wat his real name...he no more cooking,then do study business,for foreign one... then intro me...cb,hear wat he say liao on the spot sian...illegal loh...fuck la...then walk one round go 7-11 n saw uncle david...talk talk loh...he also very difficult to tok nowadays la...maybe becos everytime saw him talk about tt thing...so just tok cock better...then saw ppl quarrel,man hit lady...there got almost 60 over ppl looking loh...stupid one la... half an hour still no police come...stupid...waste my time...after tt go home...
Still trying to play,now give up liao...sian...super sian...y can't my off day be more life?!?going crazy about this stupid internet...haiz...feel like killing myself...sleep also cannot sleep properly think also cannot think properly...wanna do then do loh...think so much for wat...do liao i onli lose time n nothing...maybe a little brain cell...
Now looking at ppl friendsters...k po...thinking back the past again...for wat fuck...dunno also...y can't i just stand up n move forward?lazy?think i just sux...weather getting hot,my temper also go hot...dun think she can tolerate anymore ba...just leave me to die la...haiz...
I'm nothing,realli nothing...time is running...i'm aging...same to everyone else...y can't i just treasure it?y when a person get something,they won't treasure?this is the fact,at least to me...i'm not good,i'm not strong,i'm nothing...but it's also me tt make myself something...oh pls,y do human always forget wat they learn,n repeat their mistake?with such memory like me,y can't i remember my mistake?for wat i think back of the past?

Chapter CXIV: Memoir of MY LIFE

2008-04-25T02:11:00.000-07:00

I'm not kind, I'm just weak...

tt's y i can't do anything...

perhaps this serve me right...

wat i have done,I will get in return...

isn't it?

As I say retribution comes day by day,

even I know,as I wear this blood n flesh,

I will still suffer this eternal pain,

cuts right through my heart

I will still fall in love...

Day by day,

I begin to fall in love,

in love with grief n sorrow,

in love with being hate,

in love with carrying this pain,

so, trade my life for ur pain...

Please,

my dear,

realise tt ur lover's heart,

is born with this,

he's born to accept sorrow,

he's born to love,

is it a sin to be born?

Perhaps,

it's too late now,

the perfection i crave for will nvr be perfect...

nothing can be perfect anyway...

Regrets,

wat's regret?

there's nothing perfect,y regret?

nothing matters...

I admit my mistake,my bad,

n my life without regrets,

just my best,when my breath,

still holds...

My life,

there's nothing to regret...

Chapter CXIII: Not Soulbound

2008-04-24T02:35:00.000-07:00

From the very start,i was thinking about this... do we think alike? how alike? i focus on a relation... do u know how i feel? actualli i know how u feel,wat u wan,wat u think... at first i think is coincidence,but now i think it's common sense... issit my common sense is too sensitive? or issit obvious... but when i link all this common sense together,it makes no sense... i dun mind losing anyway,but like tt i can't do anything... can't we comprimise till we both can benefit? nothing much nothing less,just like a jig saw puzzle fix in perfectly... there may not be perfection,but it's a need to make things as perfect as possible... dun u think so?
My fault,ur fault...this is something both of us hold fault... i realli can't think of a way tt make things go well,i'm getting more n more tired... y not let keep ourselves unexpected,i mean dun expect from each other,doesn't it be good?i dunno... tired... can't think... just feel tt, noone should bound themselves together... for good,so u will be grateful wat we do for each other... so we can do wat we wan for each other becos of love,n not for the sake of a title...should this be all the way till death? n not stop when married or wat...so we can c each other's true colour n not waste time to find r we suitable...i think i can do it this way...can u? let's keep ourselves unexpected,n not soulbound...
N ya right... i'm still awake at this hour,becos... i wish tt we can be happier...

Chapter CXII: My heart draw alot of dreams...

2008-04-21T02:15:00.000-07:00

Today realli quite a strong day for me... awake my cells... nabei,yesterday god damn sway... phone drop in the stupid hole under my basin... spoil liao... now using this stupid samsung phone...i hate samsung...dunno how to use... onli the external design nice onli...other than tt is realli... haiz...gonna get a new phone...soon...yeah right...
Real awake..chat with someone today,get a pretty good sight tt.... i'm old... damn... y do i look so old in front of her? 4 years diff like 14 years diff like tt...wth... no it's mature,not old ok...haha... anyway also awake my brain while toking to them... good...
Wanted so much to get a new phone loh...feel like taking i phone... so nice loh...but ex la... told myself...i will not spend the money tt won't have a chance to help me earn money... it's a waste... erm,dun worry,i will still give tips if it's necessary:> but if i get a new phone will it help me earn money?eh...can't think of a reason even i really wanna buy...T.T erm...still will buy ba...untill, i have the money twice of the price tt i uber wanna buy item... erm...by tt time shouldn't be a prob... i phone already reach singapore,from the information by my bro...90% price will drop like water...cos there's already a private market in singapore...
Erm...yeah,feel so good now...perhap i've found wat i'm gonna do...someone which so strongly objected to my decision...hoho but i'm gonna do it...hoho...this is my dream...founded deeply in my heart...anyway, this will make my life more interesting...hoho...so happy...n this dream, will definately fufill alot of dream in my heart too...
Slowly,i admit... i feel this pounding in my heart while i look through ppl's friendster...thinking about alot of things... i admit, i'm greedy... look at this person's blog... haiz... y can't be u guys stay innocent n pure? y allow urself to be corrupted like so many other's? y can't just follow ur heart? y can't u guys do it?

Y can't I do it?

Chapter CXI: Home sweet home

2008-04-19T02:13:00.000-07:00

My fucking com is lagging again...=.="" i mean my internet... hate it... while waiting for it to log i rest my eyes a little looking away... n saw something... something on the wall... my hanger... those 2 hanger tt was place on wall more than 1 year ago...hanging my 'floor cloth' like chef u... how long i haven't cook in a industrial kitchen... the walls r full of web... more than a year i haven't touch tt part of the wall... memories rush back in... but somethings gone... i forget how tt person tt hung these hanger on to the wall looks like,her expressions... totally gone...
U asked me, do i miss her? actually not realli.. i, can't remember her face anymore... if i stretch my memories n focus,perhaps i can... but i dun even bothered... cos not important anymore... wat i'm gonna say here is....... i missed tt home sweet home feeling... someone waiting for me at home when i finish work... someone to talk to when we r together... i can talk bed time stories when we r sleeping... liked...we r married... i just like tt feeling... dunno y... guys perhaps will hate tt man... perhaps, i shouldn't care tt much anymore, i know u can't, now... but i will achieve n wait for the time to come... dun worried, i'm actually just missing the future to come... just dun nag at me tt time can already...:)

Chapter CX: Entertainment

2008-04-19T01:56:00.000-07:00

Eh, suddenly found something, human loves entertainment... Of cos! thinking back a dozen of centuries ago,ppl shouldn't have much entertainment i guess... one of the biggest should be sex... tt doesn't explain y nowadays ppl get sexual disease more than the ancients... funny right? now we got so many entertainment,but sexual disease seems worst than the ppl back then... so u mean ancient ppl dun need entertainment? or they prefer masterbed... erm... dunno leh...
But one thing pretty sure, humans love entertainments... through out the centuries, ppl inventing more n more entertainment... start from tv... y is tv so attractive? perhaps ppl put themselves in the situations of stories... books, games, movies all have the same purpose, they let the watcher or the player to be in tt situation... from the point of view of the watcher, they will often not notice how the characters suffer in daily life, n those parts r all cut off... like eating,they won't show tt person wat the hell n how much they eat etc, or show how the person work, how much stress tt person suffer... they will onli focus on the storyline of tt particular story... for players, they too follow the story line...will they play till a part where the character have to eat or bath or work? even there is,it's just a button's difference...
Just becos of this... creators of all shorts of entertainment let the consumer feel lift from the present world n goes to another world... letting them forget wat's happening around them actually... so, they will not feel stress for tt part of time... kinda letting a person feels shiok,'hi'... erm... doesn't tt sounds abit like u r taking drugs??? tt's y... ppl can sit at a place n keep playing games for hours, watching movies for hours, or read a book for hours... example, me, my sis, my bro... haiz... n when addicted, it's pretty hard to cease off... neh, i have to force myself to stop... becos, i am fucking throwing money for all this... n those fuckers r earning it... y not i'm the earner? haha... stupid... those earners sure have their entertainments...
So,wat i'm thinking is, a human must have entertainment,but sufficient... dun forget wat u r going to do tml... perhaps a short period like a few month to actualli a year without much entertainments should be ok...but definately not a few month or a year with full entertainment... measure ur ambitious n ur needs well... n must learn how to cut it off quick,if not problems will arise...:)

Chapter CIX: Self-Description

2008-04-19T01:34:00.000-07:00

Yeah start this bloggy for more than one year liao i think,still haven't realli describe myself... Perhaps ppl tt have read may understand more about me,which i actually doubt so... Those who work with me may understand me quite abit,which i realli doubt so... so,even if u understand me,which u actualli think u do,this is how i'm looking at myself...
Definately a stubborn person,i got my own thinking n have my direction written pretty well in my head... but sometimes i will change my point of view n the way i do things...either after long thinking, or after kanna some shit... i am a person tt dun like to listen to ppl's advice(at times),even u tell me in front there's a hole,i will still walk straight to it... it's after i kanna already,then i will remember it... seriously,y is tt so? perhaps it's my up bringing... my brother train me this way,but he just fuck me up just now becos i did it this way... ya pretty get his point, perhaps i should do something about it...
Others,i am a horny bastard which i admit(which guy's not?)... At times la... of cos i know,how to take things sufficient... i am a pretty smart person, but i just think too much, keep asking alot of question,n answer it... alot of times i asked the wrong question too... this part makes me very different from average ppl... ppl just stop asking questions... tt's y my head so big...(y i suan siao myself?)
And also, i'm a extremist... i always do things to extremes... but i have a kind heart, tt's y i nvr join ppl to go bomb places... i'm also very lazy... tt's wat break promises,especially those tt i made for my own... i'm also a very shy person,which most of the ppl ard me knows...(yeah) n i take life very easily... i mean my life... from the day i know i'm gonna die, i start to take it lightly... always do things for the sake of others... when i'm doing for myself, i would do it easily... I'm also a person tt good at mind games...just tt i'm too lazy to plan it out... of cos when comes to countering mind games, i'm always good...
In the end,i'm a very good actor too... yet to find my other talents,but i'm practically a multi-talented type... so acting is one of the this i'm good at... C? so much different from wat u know about me... hoho,rubbish,just kanna fuck up,so boring n put in a multi entry,tt's all...:)

Chapter CVIII: 砂時計(Hour Glass)

2008-04-17T22:59:00.000-07:00

Second by second, we pass everyday, some dunno where they r going, some knows... do i know? Always asking myself,wat am i achieving, suffering from all these,everyone else do,but where am i going...tomorrow.
Minute by minute, i grow old... straight to the point, am i scared of regret when i grow old lying on bed waiting for the last breath? perhaps i dun get the chance... but surely, waiting for tt last breath, regretting something i didn't do in my life? there maybe more than one thing,definately,but which is the one tt i will regret the most? i can't realli tell...now.
Hour by hour, looking back at my pass entries... how much i've changed? change back? learn,relearn... how many times, just in a short life time of 23 years,changes in me is countless... perceptions,decisions, regrets... when can i stable myself? my decision,my intelligence,my talent, n most of all,my heart? perhaps... today.
After so long, i still dun understand... life's just as this, value... man of value indeed is better than man of success as wat albert einstein had said,it's a more to an artistic point of view... who can fucking understand this when a genius scientist says this kind of things,when everyone is thinking at a logical way...my answer was tt times r different,tt's y i can't interprete wat he's meaning...but most probably,he said this near his end of life... being a man of value indeed fulfill himself better than man of success... wat he knows,wat he teaches,wat he experience... spread to ppl tt r far away from death,n spreading it down...erm,perhaps i didn't explain it good enough to let others understand...but i understand wat he mean...it's tt wat i'm craving for tml?
Think over, there's nothing much left to regret when i'm almost gone...too late,wasting time to regret n learn from mistake especially then... i should be sad over nothing... at tt time i can onli make use of all the remaining time i have to enjoy myself... but do i have anything to let me enjoy tt time?
I know wat to do next...just whether i'm going to do it,next 3 months,critical period... set alot of safety lines to help... nothings gonna go wrong, except for 7th of may... nothing to worry either,cos nothing i can decide... so just wait for time to come...
Lastly, nothing i'm gonna worry about for the remaining, i know things well far b4 then, putting me into a sense of craziness,just 'cos i forgot something... reading back may help me handle this trouble once again... numbness, i deserve,i know hell well wat i deserve, so, let's just get to sleep hoping tml light may be vision once again, for me to face wat they called justice, my torturement in time...

Chapter CVII: How pain can it be?

2008-04-17T02:36:00.000-07:00

Dunno wat to say... wat pain can i feel? Shouldn't i been numb already? Totally not... i dunno... y am i here? hurt? pain? frustrated? watever...commitment,promise... should i give up? so much things about this came to me these few days... realli...
Wat am i achieving? win? there's no win or lose in a relationship... i can always lose for u...but wat's the point? wat's the point of quarreling? told this her one year ago,told alot of ppl,n even told u,quarreling is just getting to a better point,to a conclusion tt suit situation best... u think i'm so free for a quarrel? but y i always felt tt i'm competiting something tt is childish n make no sence? realli is dunn for wat... can we quit these kind of rubbish?
I'm exhausted already...
Should it be a day we should celebrate? shouldn't we be happy making things good for each other? but y now i get this feeling? tell me? issit my fault? wat do i need to do? be natural,dun change anything,u think we can proceed? i dunno...
Not pain,not pain...

Chapter CVI: Work hard together

2008-04-05T01:38:00.000-07:00

I'm still trying hard u know? i realli dunno whether i'm in the right path... u just dun seems happy... somehow i feel the same... i wanna control,but u dun like... i let u decide,u say dunno... but i can guess when u will say dunno... sometime i know wat's ur answer... i also dunno y i ask... maybe issit i also dunno? i use an excuse tt i respect ur decision...
dunno dunno...i dunno...
Keep trying,failed,keep trying,failed,keep trying,failed... u repeat these for like a thousand times... u type also tired... i using heart to try... keep trying n failed... think back... wtf am i trying? wat's my aim? trying to be a good guy? i gave up on tt for a year plus le... trying to be a good bf tt will always let my gf to be happy? is there realli such thing anot... if there's no sadness where comes the happiness? so tt's actually not the thing i'm trying... wat i'm trying,wat i'm doing is actually creating a future... a happy future in average,a family,i got my house,my wife,my children... i'm no longer young already... i have to hurry... create new life,a nice future... for me,for u? dunno for wat... perhaps i'm thinking too far off...
Go back abit... first,i must know wat i can compremise... issit everything i can compremise?for love? sot... there's no such things... i'm not superman... i will have to compremise in alot of things though,but not all... i need ur help actually... same thing,u can't compremise with me in everything... proven... u can't,noone can... so we have to help each other out... try our best... if u treasure,treasure this relationship... it's obvious... obvious tt i treasure... think u too... if not u will not do so much for me... if not u will not hold me so tight tt time... if not,u will not cry... let's just think it this way... making me better... let's work hard together...

Chapter CV: Forgotten,Good thing

2008-04-02T00:48:00.000-07:00

Erm,just changed a new blogskin... Ulquiorra Schiffer theme,from bleach... 4th espada... erm the most nice one la... hoho... for so long i wanted to change a new skin but didn't get any good idea also... finally la...
The blogskin itself is a very simple one,but there is so much things to edit,waste alot of time... have to take my old blog contact then paste here,the chat box everything... but the most difficult is this blog skin dun show title,then i have to think myself with the help of the old blog, how to let everything go in my own way... whoo,not easy,cos i'm so computer idiot... finally done le,left the music session,dun feel like putting any,soo leave it first...
Then i notice my chat box just now... nothing... long long time no ppl write liao... the last one is yun... ermmm kind of a good thing... seems like nobody bothers to look at my blog or write something up there... think i'm being forgotten le ba... good thing... dun wanna get involved with anybody...

Chapter CIV: 我不会...

2008-03-30T09:33:00.001-07:00

I tried hard?did i?i seems to keep failing...u changed...i can't feel anything...wat should i do?things in front of me,i always have way to settle,can't settle,put aside...especially when sleeping...nothing realli bothers me,nothing realli stress me...perhaps recently stresses r much more,i seems to lost control,but once our problem is solve,i have the courage n cool mind to get on form...
Slowly,found tt problems seems to be with u...to me,as long there's a way to settle,it's not much a problem...except this...can't figure a way...wat should i do?should i act?i dun wan to...this is a true feeling,true relationship...i dun wan to act too much anymore...i dun wanna play...i'm serious...but...
Wat u say,how lousy u r,sometimes,seems to be talking about me...sorry,seems to be the word tt u expect...from me... realli,i'm not playing a game...tt's y,tt's y i'm so tired...cos i think alot for u,for me,for this relationship...n...i need some rest ba...
Pls,this is not business,this is not a game,this is not funny...i'm serious,but i dunno...i dunno how to commit,i dunno wat to ask,i know wat u will answer,i still remember wat u say then...but....watever,i dunno how to love u...

这首为你点播的歌

如果我先哭了

怎么唱到最后

是的感情不是K歌

音阶一字不漏不见得感动

我也懂拿麦的手不能颤抖

曾握着就能感受你比我难过

谁写的歌词那么适合放手

我怎能舍不得

我努力唱完主歌

我忘了走音没有

我到底哭什么哭什么

明明搞笑的

我努力唱好朋友

我忘了是谁哭了

就算你不记得这首歌唱完的是我

这首为你点播的歌
如果我先哭了
怎么唱到最后
是的感情不是K歌
音阶一字不漏不见得感动
我也懂拿麦的手不能颤抖
曾握着就能感受你比我难过
谁写的歌词那么适合放手
我怎能舍不得

我努力唱完主歌
我忘了走音没有
我到底哭什么哭什么
明明搞笑的
我努力唱好朋友
我忘了是谁哭了
就算你不记得这首歌唱完的是我

我努力唱完这歌

我忘了破音没有

你心里触动的

下一首已经不是我

我努力唱到嘶喉

我不怕剩我一个

只要你能记得这首歌给我最

爱的

Chapter CIII: 1 year of...

2008-03-16T23:59:00.000-07:00

In a blink,one year have passed... perharps noone remember...but i will always remember... sadzzz...nvm time passed,life change get to a new stage...today someone say i treat her like a toy...this really pissed me of like hell...one year ago someone say i treat her like dog,now u tell me i treat u like toy...u know how it feels after so much?so much things i did,i even dun care about my health,give up on so many things,now u say i treat u like toy...one year ago i did also alot of things,put in alot,but she say i treat her like dog...perhaps my mistake...i try to repay to another person,cos i have no way,or should i say i already try my best to repay this person...but wat i get...am i tt worthless?am i really tt bad guy?i really wanna be a good guy...but after tt case,for this whole year i'm beinging a bad guy...pretty bad...till i nearly forget who i am...not too bad...but doesn't really change anything...so i will live this on...till i get wat i deserved...dun really mind also...i take it as cursed...really,doesn't matter liao...

Chapter CII: Flavor of life

2008-02-19T22:58:00.000-08:00

I love u...i really love u...i dun wanna lose u...y did i make the same mistake twice?y...prove onli one thing...i'm a total failure in relationships...i feel so pain...realli very pain...i dun wan u to leave me...i miss all those days...but y am i so useless...after a year i'm still like this...useless as ever...serve me right tt everyone leave me in my life... is this my flavor of life?
Dear,if i call u to stay will u stay?if i call u come to me will u come?i really need u...will u come?
U said yes...i was waiting...was looking at ur photo album in friendster...n thinking also...understand one things...i lose...from the way u reply me,from the way u let me feel...i lose completely...y?can anyone explain?y human is such a being...somemore i already remind such things will happen...but y?i realli lose?is there anymore steps tt i can change the nature form of humans?shall c...finally emotion abit cool down...
My brain always work so fast,even with tt sickness on me...speaking about tt,is tt a family sickness?i tot onli ppl with big head will have it...dun bother...actually wanna talk about tt next entry....been so long didn't update,n also nvr change skin...can't find a good one...n dunno wat to say...letting lesser n lesser information of wat i do now...been working at the same place for more than 1/2 a year...converting full time soon...for the sake of all these...i realli need to get the money...wat happened today,make me even more awake of wat i should do...

Chapter CI: Get out from the shell with BRAVERY

2007-11-13T08:36:00.000-08:00

Had been a long time i didn't update...haha something good happened ba...i consider it good ba...haha lots of ppl know now le...so i dun need to say much...onli thing troublesome is i need to change my life style...ya although my room is still as messy as b4,but soon will get it done...i mean it...
Erm...start playing game again...just for some fun ba...stopping soon...cos now i'm still planning the way i gonna start...things changes tremendously,so do plans...i can't stick with the same old thing,but my aim is somehow the same...but been spending time to adjust into this change,i realli slack down,even in work...ya picking up already,so no problem...as a stupid part timer,i still have my cpf,bonus n pay rise...wat kind of part timer am i...ya it's stupid...quarterly bonus i got 300,which is the max...n got a pay rise of 50cent per hour...mean average i can get per month last time is 1320 per month,means now i can get 1430...means still very little...minus cpf 20% equal 143 for cpf so i take home onli 1287...roughly la...but even though i'm unlucky dick,i still can get a average tips of 40 per day...means, let's times 20 days(although i guess i work more than tt...)i got around 800 bucks per month...overall more than 2k...i'm still in quite a good condition neh....:)but the shit thing is,the min 20 hour per week 2 weekend per week system does not work for me anymore...instead the management expect me to clock 50 hours n above to show appreciation of wat they done...haiz...
Spending too much liao la...say so many times i wana save,in the end while waiting yesterday after work i spend another 40 bucks...haiz...gian tt dalmore cigar malt loh...it's whisky not cigar hor...time to save le loh...must do it...cannot be like last time liao....now alot of things is different liao...
I spend lots of time to think about the future...today suddenly take out laruku's one of the earliest album out to listen..."REAL" very nice orh... so long nvr hear liao...first time hear is 8 years ago ba...haha think of alot things in the past...year by year month by month...8 years had past...how many things had happened... i once use to felt tt righteous is in my hand,but as of now...wat's right?i dun give a damn...becos of this thinking,i found out there is a broken link in my system...wat's wrong...like a machine,lossing a piece of gear most likely will lead to a disaster...erm...a lost of a nail may become lost of a horse shoe,a lost of a horse shoe may become lost of a horse... a lost of a horse will make the msg unsend,the unsend msg may just lead to a lost of a war...haiz...must stay put,hold myself up...
Think alot nowadays...should be normal ba,especially for me...carry on with this things i will not make it...planning far ahead...breaking into steps...but definately need discipline to carry out...hope my partner can follow...wth...now i'm the one tt lack of discipline loh...haiz...this feeling is kana drop from a very high place n landed in the water...need to get calm to know which way is up which way is down...swim wrong then die liao...lack of breath easy get panic,the more i struggle the worst it is...must calm down so i will float...but doesn't seems i dun do anything i will float...how?scare,confused...headache wat will happen in the future...how?i know i can de...be confident n discipline,tt's wat i need...n of cos,bravery...

Chapter C: Don't ask the past

2007-10-26T03:04:00.000-07:00

Don't ask me,y i didn't reply ur msg...dun ask me,y i didn't give u tt last chance...dun ask me,y i know u r no longer working with me n i dun even care...dun ask me,y i nvr ever concern u all anymore...dun ask me,y i can become so cruel...u know the answer dun u? so,pls dun question about wat is already past...as i already left wat is past as past...so do u...accept the cruelity of fate,as i already accept tt n i am the performer now...as i,already be a passer by in ur past...in no time,the foot steps of mine will definately fade,just like my once deep foot steps living in their heart...dun ask...cos u r the one,who trigger tt in my heart...just to let u know tt my heart is still alife,living fully in another person's world...perhaps history will once again happen,but...i am ready to accept the fruit i once planted...the retributions...

Chapter LILIX: ESPADA AGRIETADA

2007-10-17T03:28:00.000-07:00

" CRACKED SWORD" in spanish

Wat have i done again...the history repeats...this time round,zero guiltiness felt...so,i change huh? change into a hollow...nope...i just know wat is right n wrong...like wat i said,there's nothing good or bad isn't it?no matter which side wins,i still wins...but winning now may not be forever...will i get the retribution?who cares...i am just living the way i wan it to be...

This bet,most likely i already win more than half of it...n u should know ya,i dun take chance...so i'm always prepared...so wat i lose?still doesn't realli affects me...so wat,times up?i will still retrieve...beating me,not a chance... lastly,may i wish,the clouds to betray the blue sky...

¿Pero qué es esta pena en el corazón? Apenas cambiar en una ESPADAS, yo no puedo conseguir el uso del es... O soy yo mal... ¿Hay todavía un sentido poco humano en mí? Quizás... Pero aún mi máscara agrietó delante de ella, yo me siento todavía que este juego es digno... Por eso yo digo hay todavía un sentido poco humano en mí...

Chapter LILVIII: Force Kiss

2007-10-16T17:38:00.000-07:00

Again,2 of them r fighting for wat they wan...either of them will benefit me if they get to the aim...but,in the end,i did wat i can do,i just wanna ask her..."Are u MY DEAR?"

Chapter LILVII: I hate CANDY

2007-10-15T02:50:00.000-07:00

Ooops...ppl tt is reading this dun anyhow think orh...i hate candy is becos i eat too much liao...there is a menthos box in my working place greeter stand...for guest to eat one...but 90% is staff eat one...n i eat alot also loh...cos will make me more awake...n becos of alot of reason i am damn tired during work,therefore i eat menthos is like one after one...scare kanna diabetes,so i try to control...but already become a habit...untill today,found tt tooth abit shaky liao...dunno which one la...something's not right...faster go home brush teeth...scare leh...long long time nvr drop teeth liao...just nice 10 years...remember the last teeth drop at HK...haiz...i dun wanna drop teeth...i have to quit candy le...no quit eating candy...hehe...

Chapter LILVI: Rise of the MACHINE

2007-10-13T03:17:00.000-07:00

Wa shit...today work 7000's...very very funny...remember hari raya eve 2005,i n ting went zouk to chiong,tt time i wanna fall down also cannot fall...cos too crowded...n today at work,like damn slow loh...worst then last week's friday loh...(i got work anot ah?) but confirm not very slam la...i still can stone for more than 3 mins each time means realli very quiet liao...talk cock with wani,nagen,danny...still can go runner side fight with hui yun...haha,violent gal...dun play too rough...scare one day she will kick my cock...haha small gal la...i purposely grab a oval tray n put a side...control the guest,let them dun feel like going,prepare enough roll up n side plates,then start to 'chase' them off...hehe...dun ask me how,i got my way...n it always work for singaporean...ya la...tt's y i dun mind the turn over rate slow...cos also no tips one...i still can do excellent service,i need to,to perform my "stuck their ass on the chair"technique...hehe...if my service do well,they will stay...keep pouring ice water loh...nothing wat...just pour loh,then when i'm ready,then stop...keep clearing their things away...tt will be a obvious change which they can feel...then they normally will start to bill...then bill liao,c empty glass dun refill,just clear...unless they still wan la...then they feel like nothing to do liao,then they will soon finish their topic with their friends...n soon they will feel their ass pretty pain after sitting so long at tt stupid metal chair,then they will move liao,once they move,take a oval tray go their table,put all the things n carry one time back to side station...by tt time i carry oval tray to their table,won't have much left liao la...so less than one min or so,the whole table will be anew...hehe...so basically with this technique,really won't get slam one loh...
But got one time realli very sway...take the condiments setting onto a new table,then the most easiest drop object drop on the floor,n everything splash on me n i cut my arm...sway sway it's tt tall n light tabasco...tt red liquid go in my wound loh...T_T honestly,it's damn pain loh...worst than qing chao you...even outside of the wound also pain...my neck kanna also pain...the blood come out none stop,deejay c liao also scare...have to find ppl to help me put handy plus la,if not blood keep dripping,so i find her loh...erm....today realli very relax,got a bad feeling.....scare this one is the peace b4 the storm leh...erm,lucky i still got time to rest...erm...tml then say la...now let's get into the topic...

"Life is like a movie,everybody are actor n actress,noone can be absence...

But everyone can choose to be a human or a machine..."

William Shakespeare

Haha Shakespear again...hehe another of my idol...heard this on radio when i am at ryan n daniel house at jb...eh,i can remember very well neh...erm these words,quite true la...i tot my heart was dead...no feelings to ppl tt i should have feelings...till tt night...this cheerful gal cries...i dun feel heartache,i just feel tt i should cheer her up...y?dunno...i dun like her in tt sence,just a good buddy to me...but she realli cry like waterfall loh...tot my heart was dead...but y?it's my brain,tt cannot take wat i did...cannot take wat around me happens...tt's y i declare dead...realli wanted to become a machine...but my heart is shaking...just wanna do something stupid to cheer her up...wanted to scold her,but i just can't...she's not tt strong...wanna tell her,dun be a pathetic main character in her life...there is things tt she did wrong also...cry can nvr settle anything...but,i just cannot...at my work place...there's realli alot of things happened...alot of ppl also happy...alot of ppl gossip around...but,i actually should be the one tt is sad...but i'm not now...past experience had already built me up...n anyway,i just temporarily be a machine,tt can earn money n learn lotsa things...n watch their show...some maybe laughable,some may need my knowledge to help them...some may need my care...now i realise...it's the heart...my heart tt can't be change...i always wanna say,i'm born evil,but i can't...of cos i'm not even born angel,cos,noone is...now i onli can say,i have a evil mind in a angel heart...sorry abit boosting,but i just felt so...the things i did,sometimes realli amaze me...sometimes indeed disappoint me...cos i'm still too weak la...b4 i can let ppl not to disappoint me,i should not disappoint myself,i must be strong...i c my aim...dun dare to hope much,but i will try my best...n my fate...i will just let it be...n dun lie to myself anymore...

Chapter LILV: Le Démon du Monde Différent

2007-10-10T01:30:00.000-07:00

Quelque chose duper super stupide arrivé aujourd'hui au travail. ..actually était une plaisanterie, mais une personne de tt de pisse de. ..somemore est le directeur. ..this shiok de temps. ..dunno wat arrivera prochain, ne sais pas y il peut être si chaud tempéré d'un soudain. ..we souvent plaisanterie autour de wat. ..now je n azrol dans la merde profonde. ..but semble je suis dans la merde plus profonde que lui, le cos que je suis n onli si junior une partie pathétique Des autres, pas onli de la princesse. ..i peut dire que je me suis senti si quand je commence à savoir pour parler. ..i toujours a senti tt que je suis dans le monde différent. ..now je sais quand grandi augmente, ceci est wat il a l'air de... A demandé une réponse de la princesse, me mettant hier dans une situation de 50-50...tt moitié de moyens sera heureuse. ..but il confond plus que je le bambin. ..i'm tt plus craintif la réponse est oui, le cos il y aura un grand changement dans la vie, n peut-être je suis toujours incapable de casser le mur entre nous. ..thinking pour le jour entier, n je le glutamate elle au milieu, n que j'ai senti Importuner du temps de gaspillage. ..i'm bien, mais la c'est. ..since j'ai voulu qu'elle ait été heureuse si beaucoup de, alors juste baiser de. ..just comme comment je baise de des autres. ..good assez. ..like veille de wat r dit tout vrai. ..but désolé, je wanna calme gaspille la ressource de cette terre, parce qu'il m'a laissé le c la merde de ce monde... Et d'un soudain j'ai changé. ..back à la maison je commence à regarder des autres écrivent blog. ..those je souvent c dure le temps. ..surprised me suis UN__...she a fait finalement wat elle les réseaux globals. ..n elle finalement met à jour son blog. ..ke...others pas beaucoup de choses. ..some choses enfantines stupides sur leur blog, que j'ai senti extrêmement normal. ..then je vais la vue son blog. ..both...reflected quelque chose. ..how beaucoup d'amour d'u, peut égaler combien l'u Les amours me dure le temps. ..reasons bon pour moi marcher en bas ce chemin. ..this direction... La princesse, la fin d'histoire avec l'u.. je realli ne sais pas comment l'u se sent, nvr d'u de cos dit. ..i toujours a voulu réconforter le coeur d'ur si possible, mais can't...cos nvr d'u dit. ..i dit l'u comment je sens me fait je pas ? n fait l'u véritablement profondément du coeur d'ur se sent comment je me sens ? j'importune realli pense si. ..the dure l'hasard que je dit hier que je déjà donné à l'u il y a longtemps. ..she En haut. ..cos c'est vraiment trop stupide pour continuer. ..but si dans le coeur d'ur, l'u se sent comment je me sens, n wanna ranime wat est mort, aller de l'avant. ..i ne peut rien promettre. ..all ceci peut sembler des déchets à u. u. ..but me permets de dit juste wat je le réseau global. ..i séparera definately un jour. ..if u importune l'ennui de wanna plus, alors juste oublier de moi. ..i importune le contact de wanna n'importe qui. Adieu...

Combien j'ai aimé ce monde ? Les égaux à combien je le déteste... Si j'ai le pouvoir, je détruirais ce travail désagréable de dieu... Mais je suis juste un homme normal, donc, j'habiterai juste sur, prendre quoi que je peux prendre, remplir mon propre plaisir. ..People autour de moi, j'espère juste que vous tous soit mort... Personne d'entre vous est important à moi... Je vous tous maudis...

Chapter LILIV: Because of you...

2007-10-06T04:42:00.000-07:00

Recently always hear this song around...dunno by who,forget liao...but is a nice song... i dun even know how to sing la,but someone long ago in my life like it...i tried to find tt time,but can't find,n i didn't really put in tt effort to get it...kinda regret half a year ago,but dun realli give a damn now...erm,just a nice song...
Haiz,recently very tired of work...nothing tired about work itself...i dunno tired of wat...muscle cramp is of cos de,cos tt day play badminton too xiong already...not onli me la,everyone got play also...haiz...wednesday felicia mood swing...swing untill i very frustrated...think she pms ba...women...haiz...tt's wat i like...haha...but nvr give warning one...especially her...temper damn bad...suddenly can come n disturb me,joke with me,suddenly fuck me up,n show me tt stupid face...tt moment i nvr think of the possibility she pms,so i damn fucking du lan...wanna cry already...one more push onli i going to take off my apron i guess...lucky...dun give a damn la...told myself the next day...my purpose is to work n get paid...nothing else is going to concern me...u scold me cos i nvr do my work properly,then tell me how to work properly,i'm not so stupid tt i can't reach the level u wan ba...u scold me for nothing i will just keep quiet n go to work after u have finish ur nonsence...cos i still wan the job,i can't spoil my plan again...u wanna joke with me,i can...i can be very friendly at times...but once u turn n fuck me again,i will just be the same...u can call me moroon or bu dao wong,i dun care,tt's the best way to survive i guess...i have to...
I found tt there is something wrong with me again...always got something wrong one la,i not perfect...erm,i haven't use my brain enough...haiz,cannot like tt...cannot just becos i scare my head grow bigger then dun use my brain fully...hehe,it's just tt,working hard n working smart,i am working too hard compare to smart...not in the sence of at work,it's overall in earning money...there is still lots of way to gain money besides working alone...no matter how hard i whack no matter how many jobs i take,my income is still just able for me to survive...every month i can onli save around 500...if i use it to return my money to my family,i have nothing left...investments i need a bigger some of money...if i start saving now,maybe a year or so,i can use it easily,but the money i owe is too much loh...by working like tt i dunno need how long...time is the essence...therefore,i need more informations n lobang to built up my money...at the same time cut down my expences...n,i dun have anymore time for my emotion to take over me again...
Say is like tt say la,but due to my artistic DNA,i tense to be more emotional...n recently also found tt i like some thing tt is very funny one...i found tt i like opera...not chinese opera,it's those ang mo one...erm,will talk more about tt in next chapter...hehe...
Because of you,i tried so hard to make myself numb...because of you,i for a long time i didn't sleep well...because of you,i turn myself into a painless creature....because of you,i tried so hard to escape my fate...because of you,there is no more colour in my world...all because of you...you know who r u i'm talking about?good night...

Chapter LILIII: 简单

2007-10-03T02:53:00.000-07:00

Haha just came back home,from JB!!! almost one year nvr go liao... those sway things happened again...when i reaching check point,i found tt i lost my passport!!!then found it,on the middle of the road..heng or sway ah?i always like tt one...haiz...meet up with felicia darling at toa pa yoh,then meet stephen at check point...then meet ryan at JB,go eat bak ku teh,then buy racket...haha they all plan to have a badminton game at JB loh...i wonder y dun play in singapore,purposely go JB...then go ryan house meet up with daniel,then go stadium...wth...go stadium play ah,then meet up with azrol at stadium,he with ramu,then lemonh come...ended up in lakin,which i totally dunno how to go home liao...haiz...we realli like tournament loh...all play untill so serious...think i realli dunno how to play...the rules ah,quite complicated...i keep on loosing...untill the last match,i n azrol,lemonh with ryan then we win...hehe...quite tiring n fun...but a sad thing is,i throw my slippers at JB rubbish bin...cos they say will get scoldings if we dun wear shoe,so i wear slippers n play loh...in the end becos wanna save a ball then my slippers break...haiz lots of memories in tt slippers...i still remember who bought it n where he bought...soon have to buy a new one...
In JB,pretty different from singapore...how the car move especially...haiz,also have lotsa memories there...erm...haiz...time flies...chit chat with felicia quite alot today...she got one bad point,is she very big mouth,like to say rumours,just hear loh...she should know none of her business ba...heard her saying R n J's rumour,abit surprise...nowdays youngsters...not young le loh...haiz,y can't things be more simpler,she said...ya,y...y things always so contridicting among human?ya there's good n bad like i say,but can't make everything smooth ma...i had finally think through,things seems smoother,but i'm not living in a world alone...ya, i also talk to azrol about the personal thing i wanted to tell him...from his reply n reaction...i finally know y he say i look like his past,my character n thinking,n my working attitude...i know liao...ya,there is confirm more than me n him in this world who suffer this pain b4...there's alot more...n this is the path he chooses...i should choose my path too...we r a like but not the same...i have to choose my own path...n i know where to go,c it,just abit blur...
Remember ever once i go shopping with my sis at marina square,very early where shops haven't all open yet...we saw this accesory shop,selling necklace n ear rings,n she chooses a very simple design ear ring,n i choose a very complicated design necklace...she say,she dun like things to be complicated...but in my eyes,i like things tt look very complicated,but actually it's just simple...tt necklace is made up of onli 2 metal,but look like quite alot of metal piece chain together...it's actualli a very simple design...this shows my character...in this world everything seems so complicated,but actualli it's damn simple...it's human tt wanna c it in a complicated way...like azrol's problem,like my problem,like princess's problem...all r just so simple...at the first sight maybe very complicated...but think carefully,it's alot of distraction cluster around a single straight line...this is wat i c...dun fuck care the distractions,just concentrate at the line...tt is ur choice which one is the line u determines...every line is a way out...just which one u choose...u know very clearly which one leads where,but becos of the distractions,u r just making urself tough...it's just a simple thing...
Haha,quite enjoy today's outing..hope could have more...just notice,the 3 outing i go out with so far with my working place ppl...the first time is with allen,sue to suntec...second time is sue,ridzwan,felicia to orchard watch movie...now is with all these guys....erm....y all full timer ah!!! like onli i one part timer leh...sooo funny...still got one time i n stephen onli,tt one even best...dunno y leh...haha...maybe i more close with full timers...onli 3 time,had supper with those part timer youngsters after work...hoho...so funny...er,they also not very young la,just 1 or 2 years younger than me...think i realli more n more old liao...haiz...old stubborn...
Have to accept this pathetic fate of mine...ya,stop making ppl i love sad...sorry...accepting fate,definately have good n bad too...i accept it for good...

Chapter LILII: Thinking

2007-10-01T07:04:00.000-07:00

"There is nothing either good or bad,but thinking makes it so..."

William Shakespeare

"这世上并没有好与坏,一切是各人想法所造成的..."

威廉姆.莎士比亚

Yeah,new blogskin...this is the game tt is going to launch dunno when by PS3...oohh...wanna play so much...c the preview already realli attracts me...both of them,final fantasy XIII n final fantasy versus XIII...hoho...feel like buying PS3 liao...haha think onli...dun realli go buy...save money...

The headline is the headline i saw in the starting of versus XIII preview...inspired me about the problems i met so far in life...realli ma...there is good or bad,right or wrong...his point of view is an artist point of view...of cos he will say so...but tt's the fact ba...i go think about everything...there is good or bad loh...just tt how am i going to accept it myself...sometimes things happen out of my imagination n expectations...but doesn't mean it's pure bad things...it's whether i wanna accept it tt way anot...if i can't accept it tt way,there must be a problem...of cos,b4 accepting it,i must try to make it the way i wan...but if i realli cannot,then nvm,i should learn how to accept it in a good way...n even now,in the stage tt i could onli accept,it's consider bad to me,but maybe tt changes will make things better or even it maybe the situational ideal case?nobody knows...but it's good tt i finally think through this...

So overall just leave an open mind,things may not turn out tt bad...n even so,it may not really a bad thing from another point of view...just ai zhai,rest well n carry on with my aim...as long as alife,thing normally will turn out good...n anyway,even death itself may not be something bad u c....haha time to sleep again...later finally start work after a long time of off days...sian is the bad thing...but earning money n moving my body after slacking so long maybe a good thing after all...tt's y princess always tell me to stay positive...:)

Chapter LILI: 罪与罚

2007-09-27T03:40:00.000-07:00

Actually i'm still thinking... not anymore on right or wrong...it's wat's the punishment for...there is a law in the world,which will punish ppl if they r wrong,means they commit crime or offence...but wat if i did something tt is out of the reach of law?will there even be punishment?will my heart punish myself?is guiltiness a part of punishment?wat if i felt tt wat i did is correct?i won't have guilt anymore isn't it?then is there retribution?if there is y so many ppl escape law but still lives on happily?wat is realli righteous?if there is law,ppl r just afraid of law tt's y dun dare to commit crime...not deep from their heart knowing wat is right or wrong...so wat is right,wat is wrong...wat r the punishment?
There is right n wrong,best n worst in logic...there is no such things in art or emotion...art n emotion is very contridicting...when both logic n emotion mix together there will be a very strange conclusion...is there right or wrong?so if there is realli retribution or punishment for wat i have done,pls land it on me...just me alone...i am willing to accept it...

Chapter LIL: Right&Wrong

2007-09-25T03:12:00.000-07:00

Met some big problems...long time nvr update blog there must be a reason...either something very happy happened or something very sad happened...
I often ask myself,wat is right wat is wrong...when in studies,there's always right n wrong answers to question,when grow older,more n more difficult to know wat is right or wrong...law is the basic tt determines right or wrong...but there r alot of things tt is beyond law...often c movie when ppl r at court they swear for wat they say is truth...means the law is also a presence of god? so if in court i have not commited crime,i will go heaven?i just felt tt it's bullshit...isn't it?law is full of logic,i was once so interested in it...but found tt alot of things cannot be determined by logic...even i didn't study law,just becos of my borned logical sence,i can know wat to do to escape law...when i turned back my head,n i found tt i did so much things tt law can nvr place any guilt on me...but,it's i myself tt put the guilt on myself...i feel guilty for doing somethings...i can forgive n learn from mistake if the mistake is not too big,n i can repay it...till i made some mistakes,half a year ago,which i know i will nvr be able to repay...after sometime,i realise life stills goes on,so i was force to forgive myself...n will try my best not to make the same mistake...but,i did it again...i was so lost...n i even make a mistake tt half a year ago i felt tt it was totally wrong,n i hated the ppl tt inflicted the pain to me for quite sometime...yet i did it myself...partially is becos i'm too stubborn for admitting tt i lost to fate... i break my principle n throw away my pride...yet i still lost...i lost to fate,i lose my pride,i lose my principle...i even can't say tt i'm correct...i'm totally gone...the thinking in my mind is so complicated,i can't take a break for thinking about it,if not i have to spend even longer time to think through it...this is the crime of emotion...where law can nvr place any sentence on me,yet everyone will think tt i'm wrong,even myself...just felt tt i'm goner...
I was so troubled...ppl around me tt have faith in me,i'm totally nothing...i even disappoint myself...i try to escape,i try to get drunk,i try to work harder to forget about thinking it...i even lied to myself...just for a few days...i know i shouldn't,but it's too complicated...untill last night i finally give up...i need to face the problem...becos time is still moving...getting closer to the deadline...if the problem is something i can solve i will definately find a way to solve it,if not,i will change myself to make it not a problem...problem lies on my principle...i'm too concern about tt...a principle is a guideline to urself n also show a false image to others...since i break it,it's too stupid tt i say i will not break it again...i can say so,but tt principle is not there anymore...it's something i can throw away n forget about it...second is my feeling...i always think tt i may die anytime,noone knows when they will die,tt's y treasure every moment n every of ur love ones...it's right n it's wrong too...cos i DUNNO when i'm going to die...wat if i live till 100?n will the ppl i treasure n love,realli loves me?i put in so much effort n care to ppl around me wat did i get?this splits into 2 part...i must definately choose who should i treasure,second,i should make the person happy in a longer term way,cos he or she may not die tml...contridicting right?cos tt's the way i love eve n now this is wat's the ending...so i must let the ppl i love,choose wat they wan...cos sometimes they themselves know the best wat can make them happy...i dun blame eve,cos i was the one tt didn't wake up,n it's definately right for choosing wat she wans...human r selfish...wat to do...this is not a problem tt i can settle...it's onli waste of time thinking a way out...the onli way out is to accept the fact,n of cos,tt little bit of wishes after my anger n sadness had peace down...wish them all the best...
Gal, making choices is difficult n painful i know...alot of ppl knows,but u can't escape for life...since ur life is this way,then just accept it...tt choice u make,makes both of us painful,but it's ur choice,i know i can't do anything about it...i already escaped for a while,but can't escape for life...so pls,wake up n face the problem,i will try my best to make u even a little happier,even it's u wan me to disappear from ur life...ya,maybe u still wanna escape for awhile,it's ok...just be it...but pls hold on soon...dun give up on ur life,cos anything could happen,as long u r alive...trust me on this...
Princess,c u today,u look really happy,dun think it's my presence tt make u had tt smile on ur face now...go c dentist ah?haha u should,who call u eat urself so much...no matter wat,it's still brings me a little light for seeing ur smile...someone tt i onli can admire but can nvr get any closer...i dun deserve...i made my decision,i may call it evil now,but soon will be part of me tt i won't even think it's wrong...no,i mean there is nothing right or wrong as long i feels good...erm,so ur smile n ur naive is definately a good thing,cos it's makes me feels good...remember wat i told u,maybe u will meet the problem,maybe not...but if u meet it,come n find me,i may have tt little magic to make u smile again...know y i always call u princess?cos ur smile,have healing power,my heart is seriously injured,but ur smile....at least kill the pain for tt little moment...thanx,princess...

Chapter LXXXIX: 亲亲

2007-09-19T23:57:00.000-07:00

我会记得,你轻轻的亲亲...

Chapter LXXXVIII: Observing

2007-09-17T05:26:00.000-07:00

Erm,after yesterday's lesson i decided to observe myself...first,c where my eyes move automatically...omg...somemore i know i shouldn't look at tt direction liao my eyes still stuck there...cb...no wonder la...no wonder i keep going back to the same point over n over...then i start to observe wat i imagine during the day...like day dream la...shit man,thinking of those things...keep controlling myself not to think in tt way n look at tt way...even kanna slam untill my supervisor ahjunan also cannot save himself tt time i still find tt chance...wa,my inner self is worst then cockroach,cannot die one...haiz... after work,went out with jin wei...was thinking loh...y like tt...n somemore i still go disturb someone tt i shouldn't disturb...how ah?confuse...remember felicia said something tt make me very zai yi one...erm...tsk tsk tsk...i will not get defeated so easily de...first i must know,tt part of me is part of me...i dun die,tt part won't die...same as anger,lust,all this...i must know how to blend with it...instead,like tt i know more about myself liao...tml off...go have a good think...i will,i must find the answer...
Of cos,while i'm observing myself,another part,i mean another part of me notice someone is observing me,not onli one...basically i work there sure will be observe,from the first day, i knew it,if not so many cameras for wat...but,ppl behind tt is observing,is planning something...erm....dun fuck care,just do my best in everything,i will...

Chapter LXXXVII: Stupidness

2007-09-15T02:20:00.000-07:00

Felt tt actually i'm god damn stupid...ya...learned so many things n forgot so many things...the way i do things r so stupid...i have no talent leh...should i say y i so stupid i didn't go use my talent...lazy?sounds like it...just plain stupid la...no matter emotionally or logically,i'm just stupid...letting my emotions,desire control me...work i can say i realli dun have the heart to do,tt's y i didn't go use my talent,somemore i felt like a condom,how would i take out my talent n effort?emotionally i already understand some facts...yet i still go do n think the opposite ways...stupid right?in the end think think think,then finally think to the same spot i had tot last time...going one big round n go to the same spot...analyse,it's becos my own emotions n desires...haiz...eat shit la...nvm,like wat i told princess,failure is everyday's business,dun make it a waste can liao...learn from mistakes...n,dun give up...ya,dun be a stupid ass n go back to this same spot again...nvr...
Since i understand this le,princess,i going to let go my hand le orh,remember...any problem come find me...i will fulfill my promise de...n other than tt...c fate ba...one hand can't clap de...

Chapter LXXXVI: Man of Value

2007-09-14T03:49:00.000-07:00

"Don't be a man of success,be a man of value instead."

Albert Einstein

This is wat my idol says...i still dun quite understand y he say this...should say more n more dun understand liao...i work so hard,learn so much...i have a certain value in working wise...but i just felt tt i am a condom...use to protect ppl from 'danger',use finish liao then throw away... seriously for wat...haiz,tt thinking of mine has mixture of emotions...tt's y sounds so fuck up...haiz...i haven't fully transform into robot yet ba...hoho...watever...

Chat with jer just now...he came over for ting's book...tot of just giving him tt book n go back...in the end stay there chat for dunno how long...haiz...watever...just chat la...makes me wonder,how much i have changed?or did i realli changed?he definately changes...although he insist on he nvr...watever...after the chat with him i realise some small things in me...erm...a weakness...have to do something about it...

Haiz...princess ah...y like tt...i dunno la...hope i can help u...the nearer i get to u, the more imaginations i have...shall stop it..eh abit lost...arghhh...as usual,2 sides of me starts thinking...wat should i do?ah,tired...i'm a person with such strong emotion,something tt is wrong?lost...have to rest...hey princess,tell u wat...no matter wat,dun die...i shall be the one tt is going to die early...not u...remember tt...

Chapter LXXXV: Illusion

2007-09-12T12:59:00.000-07:00

Been having alot of illusion recently...when working,always felt tt like got ppl calling my name...i cannot dun react...cos normally i maybe correct...due to over anxious working environment, plus super not enough sleep,this kind of illusions is very normal... have to use my brain to differentiate wat is real n wat's not...some r very easy to recognise,example,one of my common illusion,moving object...do u ever c french fries crawling?hoho i seen it alot of times...even at this current working place...moving plate ah,dancing fork ah,all this is like can easily know tt it's illusion...but something like disappear check,this one is a total mystery...
Key in order for this table,a very special order,potato skin without bacon n change sauce to sour cream...i even go kitchen n double check to make sure this one can do b4 keying in...then i remembered clearly i clear the potato skin plate somemore...when i going to hand over n go for lunch tt time,then i found tt,the order is not in bill...first in mind of cos,did i key it on other table...check all dun have...second issit those who already gone?check all the tendered check,no one ordered potato skin today...if manager or supervisor void order i will still c it on the screen...where the hell it goes?if i nvr key in y the kitchen will give this order?if i key in where the hell the check go?onli one way to explain...my eyes got problem...the potato skin might be right in front of me,yet i can't c...although i'm confident of the sharpness of my eyes la,but this should be the onli explaination...too bad my lunch more important...hoho...

"Ah, illusion...just as i'm going to give up...i heard someone called me... i didn't take the next step n look back...ya,it's an illusion...an illusion i made up myself,so i will not to give up hope...i turn around,n just when i gonna walk another step,i heard another person calling my name...i turn back,feel her sadness in her msg...r this sadness becos i wanna leave?or issit for someone else?i dunno...u dun wanna tell me...y can't human be more straight forward?or am i the one tt make myself thinks tt they r not straight forward?i,as someone so worthless,have no rights to judge ppl in this sense anymore...no rights,i onli can choose where i will go...even,i'm right,perhaps,it's realli too late this time...cos it's enough,i had enough of all this...i'm realli tired...my legs r shivering,my hand can't even bring up to touch u...my eyes can't c clearly where r u...my heart,feels like gonna stop any second...forget it,tt's all...wat i left now,is the strength to take the next step,a step into the darkness..."

"Before falling down tt cliff"

By: LVYN

Chapter LXXXIV: Multiple Entry

2007-09-08T05:15:00.000-07:00

GOD or DOG
~
Remember in NS,my feeling is like i'm a dog to them...they treat us like dog...no freedom,no pride...especially BMT...but now at this work place...my feeling is like,they treat us like god...get force to do so...n found tt actually i can do so many things in such short time...when working tt time,i realli can't feel the time...call me take 5...if i dun look at the clock,i dunno how long i go...sad right?actually i guess i can do things faster,if i plan properly n take lotsa short cuts...at g/h i can be damn fast...but dunno y,at here...can't use 'i'm new here' as an excuse anymore...ah! i know liao...cos at g/h ppl always think i'm good...always think got any problem can find me,but here i like nothing,tt's y...haha it's my pride tt hold me back ba...haiz...actually being a dog also not tt bad ba...haha...
~
~
Question & Answer
~
Life is full of problem...erm,ever know tt the difference between genius n normals,genius always ask "y",just like a kid...tt's y scientists say the brain of kid n genius r alike...but even as normals,facing the problems in life,they will ask y...but the answer definately is different...how different leh,genius will get the answer tt will not be contradicting,will not have lope holes,although there will always be,but not as big as wat a normals will have...n have lotsa answer tt will connect to the first question,which will 'masssively' answer all the following questions tt will link to the first...this is wat i mean genius thinking...
i told huey,giving her alot of advice tt will definately solve her problems...although i already plan alot of ways tt will solve her problem due to her thinking...but she always say this,"it's easy to say but hard to do..."first,hard to do doesn't mean cannot do...second,all her problems onli lie with,whether she wan or dun wan...n i can foresee,tt's her true problem,i may help to explain,y she should do,but in the end,she's still her trigger to her life...
Often ask myself,do i have the answer to all this problems?if i have,there won't be problems anymore...i won't be this awake at night tt make me cannot sleep...huey always say,she already know the answer to her question,i dun think so loh...if she have,she won't be like me,can't sleep....there is something tt is stuck,we r stuck...not onli becos we dunno the answers,it's becos...we dunno the questions...so if one day u say u dunno wat's the answer,u r still not so bad,worst is,u dun even know the question u r going to ask urself...u may already know it,but u just dun wanna ask...remember tt Lvyn...
~
~
Iphone
~
U got heard b4 love in first sight?wahahahahahaha!!!!!!!niga,my new collegue told me this phone on transport just now...no memory card...8 gb memory...wtf...condemn...go search for fun....wa!!!!i love it loh...hoho...knnbccb...i was wondering wat phone i wanna change from half a year ago...actually confirm SE M600i liao...but now i c this phone is like,woho~~how ah?tml tell jin wei to help me find liao...get the price,i will save for it!!!!muahahaha!!!heard niga say is 2k+...shit...i shall consider...not say i can't save,it's whether worth it anot...wait buy liao 2 weeks spoil then i realli have to bang my cock liao...
~
~
Peeping Tom
~
Hey u know,there r more ppl than wat i expected tt is looking on this blog?wth...i didn't know tt loh...i purposely erase the link on my friendster profile just trying to not let ppl c this stupid scolding ppl blog...but there r ppl tt know this link b4 i erase it off from friendster...erm,not say not welcome ppl to read la...just shy shy...haha...nvm...all r welcome...i will not think of tt n keep updating my blog...anyway,wat does the title have to do with this entry?!?!
~
~
HINT
~
This is a hint to tt gal tt wanna know the answer...key word "dear"...this is wat i use to call my ex gf...n i dun wish to call my next gf this...cos,means alot to me,n i dun wanna make her think i'm calling my ex...but i still can't stop it from calling ppl i like with this loh!!! haha u must be thinking alot now right?sorry,dun think so complicated,the hint i give u here is very simple,cos love is simple~~~orhohohoho...
Now u know the question,but even u know the answer u won't wanna make the correct guess ba...wahahaha...

Chapter LXXXIII: Passer By

2007-09-05T21:58:00.000-07:00

Erm...ppl come n go in life...always got ppl ask,y ppl will part one day...this is the cycle for dunno how many donkey years...nvr change...nothing is consistent,changes r consistent...sounds cruel,seems sad...no matter how good u r now,u will definately leave each other one day...tt's for sure...but everyone hope the reason tt each one leaves is becos of death...dunno y i felt so...maybe i myself also wan so...but it's impossible...i pass by so many ppl...some may felt tt i leave a very deep foot print in their life,some r trying to erase it...i'm sorry,but i didn't notice...next time,i will try to walk lighter,so all of u will easily forget who i am ba...

Chapter LXXXII: Photo

2007-09-04T23:59:00.000-07:00

Been awhile didn't update...haiz...dunno wat to write...nothing special...back to work yesterday...tml off again...saw new photo in locker room...my manager varen have the same birthday as me...saw them celebrate de photo...erm...not much feelings la...just curious...something i should think long long time ago when i'm a kid but i didn't...y ppl take photos?u take alone maybe u wanna show how beautiful or handsome u r...becos when time pass,u may not be the same...maybe one day u die tt time u can put tt photo in front of ur coffin...i take myself,is for ppl tt wanna know how i look like now,have a better picture...
But y do ppl take together like the photo i saw?to show how happy they r...or how happy they were...when time passed,things may not be the same...u may leave the place,due to alot of reasons...by then,wat effect will the photo bring?the reason tt u leave will bring u different feelings n let u show different expression when u look back at those photos...tt's y,i start to think back,when is the last time i took photo with another person...ah,g/h...wear teddy bear suit take photo with beautiful babes...eh,dun count tt.....................i still remember...with her...someone tt is not very close but i'm trying to be closer...not much memories with her...b4 tt..............it's with him...sitting each on one side of the see saw...balancing ourselves...so when his gf take the photo,we r floating on it...we did it long ago which is my ex who took the photo...erm...b4 tt,ya,with her loh...which is dunno how many donkey years ago...those photos,bring me the most pain...ya...just like tt loh...now look back also not much feelings liao...
Ha,photos...it's a invention tt becos time nvr stop,things nvr consistent,tt's y take photo to let time stop at tt time,let things be consistence tt time,let feelings trap in a image...to let ppl remember clearly...wat did really happened,wat kind of feelings ppl have at tt very moment...but i know one thing,the more happy u r when u take the photo,most probably the more sad u will be after the party ends...so,dun take is better...my memory good enough to capture alot of things...dun need more things to let me c clearly,how stupid i am tt time...

Chapter LXXXI: 不该结束

2007-08-31T22:14:00.000-07:00

Been awhile haven't update my blog...got lots of things happened,but just dun have to mood to say... yesterday have so confirm wat i wan...before tt half of my mind already planned wat should i do to overcome all the problems already...it's in my blood la... before i solve the problem in front i already solve wat's behind it...as far as i could...becos of this silly gal i finally decided wat to do...
Sleep untill 5 today...sleep for 14 hours...my body getting as lousy as my hp batt...easily low batt leh... eat mac again... then walk around...n around....till i reach cold storage...looking at all the ingredients i start to think of new dishes...the combination of suitable ingredients...maybe i learn things in my so many work place so far,i also think of combinations of different drinks tt suit the food...i didn't force myself to think,naturally...haiz...a habit..in the end,bought a bottle of cabernet sauvignon 2004,a water goblet which i felt tt look like wine glass, n a piece of rib eye...taste abit mild,doneness a bit bit off...but still taste good...cos i got put black pepper to enhance the sauce,so the taste didn't cover by the wine...3min finish eating...felt tt not worth the hard work loh...eat alone is like tt one...haiz...
Went back room,look at my old blog...saded again...yeah,after tml la...no need think so much...remembered something she said last time...at the bridge when we started not long...yeah,i win...i'm sure i love u more than u love me...stupid ass...nothing matters anymore now...i choose not to be sad...found the answer 2 years ago about this...if u choose not to be sad,means u won't be happy also...it's like tt one...i felt tt it's scary last time,but i dun feel it now... i felt tt it's important for survival... at least for me...
After tml...everything will end...

Chapter LXXX: Chosen One

2007-08-29T02:19:00.000-07:00

This is the 42nd hour tt i was awake...didn't sleep for so long...not much,but think i'm getting weaker...normally i won't be this tired n c illusion once i lose focus at this time...realli old liao...haiz...today was working long hours again...i dunno...we r from different world...maybe we can't even start...i dunno...so wat am i still thinking?wat should end just let it end...nothing to feel wasted or regret...i learned how to accept n let go,but it's hard to master it...good bye...(it's hard to understand wat i write above...i'm losing my focus already)wat ever it mean,i just wanna say,"u r special to me,i wanna protect...but i'm not ur chosen one..."

Chapter LXXIX: I lose to my fate

2007-08-26T02:24:00.000-07:00

6 more days to go...i was working today...making stupid cock mistakes in the morning...n i didn't even read the board...fuck up...was so bothered by my blurness,dun even have the mood to eat much...ordered cheese sticks,azrol treat again...haha damn paiseh...not even finish half or the plate...i like onli took 3 pieces loh...in the end damn hungry...haiz...when i start to join the sotong gang ah?fuck la...then after break,was taking some table...tried my best to give excellent cum super fast service,at the same time helping others...sound like me right?ppl who know me well should know...once i fall,the next time i wan is not to climb up...n is to fly...my character always like tt one...lucky,i'm still capable this time...everything swee swee...at my work place there's somethings call perfect table...differs when the guest is doing different thing...when eating,there is a setting,when onli drinking there is another settings...but normally ppl can't make it perfect,n also can't maintain it...either lazy,or becos too busy...but mean while i did it...
After tt i found tt i was in 7000s...hoho another area yet to unlock...but now i'm there...hoho dunno y also...anyway just for awhile...everything very stable...short n sweet i settle my table into perfect...n....the whole sky darken by storm clouds...fuck la...have to speed to clear all the table...i'm running all the way carrying the heavy tables n chairs...damn tired...in the end,no rain....fuck...found tt all the way i was working with this gal...someone's ex gf...a few days ago just broke up...very happy working with her...she's so free nothing to do tt can help out others loh...then when i c she busy then i help her loh...at the same time try to help others also...suddenly felt tt,someone is staring at me...fuck, is her ex bf...yaya i was joking with her n flirting around...i'm like tt wat...ya,she's pretty,attractive,so?n in fact she attracts me,so?my thinking is onli wanna get closer to ppl around...then when take 5,danny come n tell me...asking me am i interested in her...fuck la...so wat if i'm interested in her?they already broke off wat...eh.....this reminds me of my past...fuck...ya...i know it...even if i'm damn interested in her so?i won't do anything to her,i will onli treat her as friend...just some closer friend in my work place tt's all...so wat the fuck now?even when she's with u,i also can be her friend wat...fuck la...think i too close already...even herself also felt it...anyway,dun give a damn...ask her for supper she also not interested...in the end go eat with another group of friends i saw outside who was waiting for someone...the someone is her la...yaya in the end have supper with her...think she also think her mind out...yaya,i also fuck care...i still can feel the aura of rejection from her loh...i very sensitive to gals one...anyway...haiz...
6 more days to go...i still can change my mind i tot...but...is there a point?like wat i told danny...my motive is work,my decision has made...thinking for so long...i onli need to concentrate on work tt's all...relationships,feelings,r things tt gonna distrupt me...had enough of this kind of distruption...i can't stuck in the middle...i should go either way...love is something tt u can wish,imagine,but nvr crave for it...this kind of things r natural,no matter how u imagine,things normally won't turn out the way u imagine...money,career r things u can crave for n imagine,but u can't onli imagine,u must do it,with plans ahead...love is something u can't realli work hard for...u commit,u care,u accept,all out of nature...if u feel tired,unfair,or even rejection in ur commitment,it's wise to stop it...either u dun love tt person or u love urself selfishly too much...money, u realli can work hard for it...like wat i say,work hard,accurate,n organise ur plans well to strive in the fastest manner...tt's the difference to me...so since in career wise i can work hard...then i realli should...in the same time,i can let this kind of things distrupt my time,energy,n attention...sheena told me b4...i can't be perfect in this 2 areas...as in noone can...i often dun believe this fact,n wanna prove it wrong...but after going round n round so many times,i admit...not say i can't,not say i lose to this challenge...it's i lose to my fate...

Chapter LXXVIII: I want new PHONE!!!

2007-08-24T03:01:00.000-07:00

Ah!!!! been waited for so fucking long!!! from dunno how many donkey years say wanna change hp,till now still haven't...ya bought the samsung from bro,but tt is a fucking lousy phone...i condemn samsung phones loh!!! i tot of changing to SE M601 tt time after c sgt M use... then after tt wanna change LG shine cos ting wanna buy...then tot of nokia n95 or n93...after c jin wei use....but now hor...hehehehe...got new target...nokia n800...hoho nvr hear b4 ba...it's a very stylo phone loh...always wanna change to a pda phone but nvr find a suitable one...but think this is not bad...check b4 liao...got 2 card slot loh....horrible...abit big la...but still acceptable...erm...dunno leh...abit confused...but sure super ex loh....... new phone where got cheap one...erm....save up...
Just got my pay...not much...around 700+ i guess...erm....still ok ba...plus my tips so far...hoho...erm...next month gonna have another one...think will be onli 500+ after minus cpf...sad...part time still got cpf...but my pay is shooting to 1700+if nvr minus cpf loh....i wanna shoot higher...2k 2k....hehe...so at least after my cpf i still got 1600+....plus tips?wahahaha...reaching my target nearer n nearer...hope i can still survive there...i will still try my best...till they recognise...i dun mind putting in more hard work...
Today off...same old shit...wake up pretty late...then wash clothes,then suddenly hor,feel like eating pizza loh...then i think,pay just come out,ok la...go eat loh....but when i reach ps,i saw macdonald n mac cafe...erm....change...eat mac better...n cheaper too...haha...dunno y leh...twice liao...tt day also wanna eat sushi,then change to eat mac...erm,they look attractive hor...hoho...still feel like eating now...then on the way go buy comic...2,kindaichi!!! the last episode already out long time ago,even the next comic by the same author also out liao,but now come out another episode tt continues the last episode of kindaichi...it's about his favourite enemy again.."hell puppetire"...but i think this episode the most handsome one is the police...ming zi...wahaha...he abit lame shit la,but he still pretty good...but i felt tt this 2 episode abit different from last time...very tu leh...i start from 4 pm then finish at 10 pm loh...super long...alot of things to say...felt like not important one...feel like skipping,but this kind of book cannot skip leh,cos sure got something important tt can solve the case...but anyway,realli nice...n all the murderer n their tactic i all solve,without playing cheat...haha...amazing story...but in the end the writer still miss out something n also got something not very logical inside tt make the ending pretty impossible one...aiya anyway,just a comic...not like i'm gonna be a detective or a murderer...hehe maybe ye suo bu ding...hohoho...

Chapter LXXVII: 虚 --- HOLLOW

2007-08-23T03:13:00.000-07:00

Ha,today first time work closing...blur blur dunno wat to do...ppl also dun believe i first time do closing...runner all the way also...haiz...think i kanna condemn liao la...fuck it...just continue with my best,untill cannot continue...
These few days,was thinking...about the past again...realli loh,she leave a hole in my heart...those happy time,those tough time,those sad time...feel so hollow now...almost half a year liao...still so hollow...not abit lesser...now hear her voice...the feeling is like,pissed loh...dunno y...she's already like this...perhaps realli need to be like wat she say...just be strangers...was thinking how much i love her tt time...tt's y when she leave me with tt kind of ending,i hate her so much...ya,if i dun care n wish her happy,i will not hate her...but which one is love?i put in so much commitment n kanna betrayed i will be filled with wrath...if i just wan tt person to be happy,n kan kai,i won't be so angry...which one is love?i dunno...there r so many ppl around me, no matter guy or gal,i just hope they r happy,n do things tt will make them happy...is this call love?i always wanna do more things for a gal,do alot of happy things with tt gal,n of cos hope tt she could do some things in return to make me happy,or even just appreciate wat i had done for her is good enough...wat i wan in return is just a simple hug...someone to realli love me when i sleep n get prepare for tml tough work...if it's realli like this,no matter tml how tough,i dun even feel a pinch...
All the while so tired,not becos i not enough sleep...just tt i'm so alone now,tt i feel so tired...no need everyday stay with me,once in a week or even once in a month...enough,just hope tt i could hug her when i sleep...i know,there r so many ppl around me tt i can try to get close,try to start a spark...but scare when i start,everything is not as i expect...everything maybe another lie...everything,i maybe bluffing myself again...i'm scared to be disappointed again...scare to get hurt again...
The hole in my heart is making me crazy...i can be very nice,very calm,very loving...but becos of tt hole,i can be realli crazy...just like...when something is created...but it's not like wat u expect...disappointing u...u will just wanna destroy it...goes crazy,anything around me will be destroy...i will hate everything...i dunno...now stuck in between...but i still knows...there's a route in front...i must carry on...told myself,after tt day,everything will be as normal...as one year plus ago like tt...

Chapter LXXVI: I'm not ready to lose

2007-08-22T01:16:00.000-07:00

Ya, where i go yesterday? i nvr online...haha KTV!!!After almost half a year i finally go KTV liao...so happy...with phoebe racheal n terence...wahaha...but found tt my skill drop like shit... voice cannot pull high n loud...so sad...nvm...haha...practice loh...
Actually yesterday i 11-5 de... then 2 ppl mc...yvonne ask me wanna extend anot...then i think if i extend more money leh..y not...anyway racheal also 10 then finish...ok loh...correct choice....yesterday my tip almost 60 i guess...work smoking point ma... hoho... after tt go eat swenson then go ktv party world... haha spend all my tips...so basically like no tips...haha then after tt reach home 5 am...sleep till 9.30 go work again...sad...god damn tired...milky also mc today,then i scare will have problem,so i start work early...in the end c alot of ppl appear...chey...i dun start early also no problem la...anyway today also got 40 bucks tips i guess...hoho...
Morning alfresco,after break i request from simon tt i wanna work bar leh...then he think think think...then he let me take tap n trophy...hoho new location unlocked...hoho now i felt tt like play game loh...have to pass different level,then have to face different boss...then will unlock different location on the map...hoho...now left with 3 place haven't unlock...one is bar,annex n greeter... alfresco also haven't fully unlock yet...erm...work hard...if this is a game, i definately not ready to lose...
This morning...damn difficult to get out of bed...haiz...then eve called...told me i still owe her 400...is 600 loh...i know how much one...haiz...her memory y still so jia lat...hope she will get better...today think about it....know y she say i treat her like tt liao...know y she acuse me liao...know y she hate me liao...most likely is becos i acuse her tt time...i didn't...but she felt so ba...seriously,i just suspect...there is no exact prove i will not acuse her de...n even there is,if she say no,i think i will also believe her...y didn't u just tell me tt u didn't?y didn't just tell me wat u wan?y didn't u just scold me?if u say there's still hope,n u wanna scold me or even beat me i will not be like this...i guess,this is wat i think tt time...was thinking,y gals always tolerate guys...today eat supper at my work place,cos got new beer come out...eee...not my type...beside me,there is a couple...the guy take drugs, the guy always go outside n find other gals...n also go find prostitute...nowadays guys like tt one ma...i won't follow the crowd of cos,but the problem is,now the gal is confronting her bf...n the bf still didn't even give her an answer whether she realli got do, or realli sorried about wat he does...i turn n c the guy....knnbccb....wat is tt fuck face sia...can c,he's not rich,a typical chow ah beng in 70's...nvr groom at all...n damn ugly...the gal is around 28 to 30 la...the guy also...but the gal look ok for her age...average or slightly above average ba...but y?y the gal have to cry to this extend?fuck up u know?am i really worst than tt guy?if u say jer,maybe he is much better than me in some ways la...but this guy?dun look educated,not rich,dun even groom...say he go jail b4 also not surprising...take drugs...n tt cock face...the most important...he dun even give a damn to the gal when she's crying...she stretch out for his hand,n tt guy is like normal expression...didn't even get a tissue or ask for napkin or wat...fuck...i'm worst than tt fucker...i so fuck up tt my gal didn't even give me tt little chance when i'm on my kneel!?!?the matter between me n her had already past,but wat i still thinking is myself...whether i'm tt fuck up...alot of the ppl tt know me always say,i sure got gf...no matter guy or gal will say so...i say i dun have like noone believe like tt...think i joking...tt means my appearance wise should be pretty good,n the way i tok etc...but wat makes me worst than tt guy?dunno...n start not to be bothered liao...fuck it...i just...seriously,my life already been in this situation,i just need to accomplish wat i wan n tt's it...no more troubles...

Chapter LXXV: Give Up

2007-08-19T02:01:00.000-07:00

There is so much things in life...no matter which path u choose, will nvr be easy... she nvr tot she will choose this path...maybe she misses the place n ppl there tt's y...she tot she's crazy...but tt was onli a different path for gals with her appearance...silly gal...
She choose the path i was last time...tt stupid career...when i gave up is damn painful...now she feel so painful to carry on...think wat she feels now is more than i feel last time ba...but tt time i'm just a kid...she carry on for 2 weeks liao...i realli can't help her much... but just comfort her,with wat i know...another silly gal...even i were u won't give up for sure...erm sorry,silly women...
My L.I coming back liao...i deserve it...dun give a damn...i will also not give up...give up is easy,although painful....but carry on is more tough,but the fruit is definately nice...maybe i will die tml,n i won't be able to taste the fruit...but i know,i already try my best till my last breath...i won't regret...hope u all too...silly gals...

Chapter LXXIV: Silly Gal

2007-08-18T02:49:00.000-07:00

Know u care for me la...thanx so much... i will not anyhow think de...just hope u also will be happy when caring for me... maybe u will regret in the future,but at least now,hope u happy...Silly gal...

Chapter LXXIII: Wat can i do?

2007-08-17T20:05:00.000-07:00

Remember these few days didn't update blog...dunno y...haiz...nothing great,wednesday served a queen,but no tips...nb...n in the end found tt i didn't get a single tip...nvm....then thursday was damn tired again...toking to candy,then go take 5 come back become very sick...nearly faint...the best thing is kanna slam like hell...3 runner cum 1 statue...haiz...i first time as runner n i'm running...wtf...end of work,joey treat me 2 bottle beer...thanx...n today off...12 plus,bro call me,tell me wow things...n hint me to play wow with him...dun siao la...i where got the time to play...n i dun wanna waste money loh...then 3 plus bernard call me,say ashley's dad past away,ask me wanna go anot...then i say dun wan,something on...haiz...i not close with her wat,plus,i'm so sick now loh...just went to united square eat mac,then read comic...now on computer also dunno wat to do...nvr c candy,nvr c han or huey online...so sian....y everytime i off day so sian de ha?
Check out ns portal,c whether can book ippt anot...funny, cannot leh...need book rt first...siao la...how ah?fuck care...fine then fine loh...the deadline coming soon liao...coming closer n closer....haiz...tt day is coming...haiz...dun worry,it's just another day...a day to sleep...a day tt i won't wanna treasure la...
Just msg jin wei online also nvr reply,think playing game la...sian...feel like finding someone to chat,someone to look at...feel like hugging someone,n feel like just relaxing myself...alcohol is becoming more n more useless already...still drinking now...but won't settle anything....
Been chatting with her quite alot recently....found tt we r so alike...erm...at least,someone is like me...i can't really help her much ba...but just wish she could be happy...erm...wanna call her out leh...but dun think is possible...erm...no more hopes la...as long she's happy...Pls remember,ur smile is always as sweet as ur name...
Suddenly got illusion...think i smell something...a smell i misses...dunno wat is tt...feel like going out with someone i like for shopping leh...just walk around ba...but...haiz....

Chapter LXXII: 魔鬼

2007-08-15T00:32:00.000-07:00

Haha today morning late for 30 mins...siao liao...then kanna 2 pr...sianzzz...although tips alot...but once kanna pr i dun bother to count my tips liao...but more than 30 i guess...ah...yesterday didn't get drunk enough,so didn't sleep properly...golden not strong enough,so i decided to change beer...haha,moh gwai,魔鬼,demon...wat ever u wanna call it...moh gwai is a cantonese translation,dunno y scotts wanna name it in cantonese...haha bet he dunno how to speak...
Wa,魔鬼 alot of bubbles leh...golden is 4.5%,魔鬼 is 7.2%...so strong...i giddy liao...so fast...haha...today not much special...my life getting more n more systematic liao,realli not like me...today got one very important conversation,which make me stop saying anymore sweet talks to gals liao...someone told me during break...here alot of couple,alot starting not together one,but is guys la,make the first move,then they together liao...erm...nothing funny ma...then he say shun yi with erwin liao...i was like shock my shit out loh...no wonder he so happy...nvm,then jas with didit...wtf?haiz...then han,actualli someone making the move already liao,but haven't confirm...diaozzz....found tt it's like a game liao loh..there r still alot i dunno...like crossing a mine field like tt...erm...i know wat i'm tired of liao...tired of having those hopes...then best thing is dun hope loh...hoho,then won't be disappointed...treat all the same...not interested...if i interested at first but she's not interested then wat's the point?wasting my time go sweet tok,n disappointing myself...for wat...dun be silly la...i have something more worthy to concentrate on...
But life's always a mystery...dunno wat will happen tml...realli dunno...just dun be bothered about it...just concentrate on wat i wanna do...

Chapter LXXI: Angel Tale

2007-08-14T00:05:00.000-07:00

Haha after toking to han got drunk then knock out on bed yesterday...told myself rest awhile let the alcohol set then bath n sleep...ya right...in the end my com is on all the way,lights r on all night,untill dunno wat time,got sun light tt time then i off it...erm...wake 7 plus...damn early neh,yesterday sleep 3 plus i think...funny thing is...not tired...tot of sleeping awhile more...but dun feel like it...then wake up,start doing my stuff,go eat n da bao food to work...erm....funny right?therefore,actually wanted to call someone out for supper,but noone interested...so forget it...so decided...da bao pizza home eat...simon treat neh...thanx bro,then go home bath,eat,n get drunk...hohoho...will i die like tt ah?wahaha...
Today first half outside alfresco...found tt milky key POS also damn slow...haiz...actually i familiar POS liao,just didn't force myself to key faster...erm...hehe think can key even faster...try dun use one finger next time....then second half go be runner...haiz...open check liao y need to go back...sad...cos i 10 o'clock finish ma...they dun need today...sianz...von von do runner with me...yeah...talk cock with her...anyway,she's leaving liao...wed last day...candy thurs last day...sad ah....forget it man...just talk cock loh...born curiousity makes me know more n more truth...aiya know long ago liao la...the more truth u know the more cruel everything will be...it's sad...haha...
Ever heard this song,Angel's Tale from hyde...long winded n mono tone song...good for sleeping...suddenly think of this describsion tt i found out today...angels dun exist on earth...whether there's heaven anot i dunno...but i know they onli exist in angel tales...haha noone understand wat i'm saying ba...forget it...get drunk n sleep faster ba...

Chapter LXX: Alfresco

2007-08-13T01:31:00.000-07:00

Today,first quater at dinning...everything quite smooth...very happy...try to be happy la...then afternoon,the terror of my working place appear...ahjunan...black black indian monster...work with him sure know his style one...scold ppl dun give face,know when u will be blurrest,come n pressure u,make u more blur...i POS press so fast is becos when ever i use POS n he's my supervisor,sure come behind push me press faster...push untill i c the POS machine nobody use,he near i also go use another one...so scary...today got alot of problem when he comes,kanna slam,then i faster do my best to settle everything,then here he come...start fucking me liao...for 1/2 an hour fuck me everytime he c me...untill the end he dunno wat to fuck liao...haha then call me go eat...bloody ah neh...u think u got hot temper then big fuck ah?i also hot temper one ok...now i become like a kitten like tt let u fuck is becos i can't give up...not becos i scare u la,but thanx,not u i also cannot learn so fast...n thanx for recommending me to alfresco...
The rest of the day i work alfresco...n bluff 2 take 5...wahaha...work with erwin...i first time in dining also he teach me,now is him also...but he hor,today stone like hell...think got gf liao then blur blur liao la...haha...know something good happen to him n her new gf...no matter how ppl scold him he still can smile one...stupid captain...dunno who captain...basically i run the whole smoking point myself...seriously,it's xiong,but fun also...cos i got the technic of controlling the floor liao,ahjunan teach one...not a problem....still can chat with guest...understand guest back ground,n will know whether they will give tips anot...haha quite alot today la...muahaha...but here comes the problem...if the guest bill liao,then no tips how?will i still carry on pouring ice water for them,will i still tok to them?will i still clear their table n give them napkins?very good question,i definately will...this is service...they will most likely wanna come again,even for a beer...n today indeed got a guest nvr give tips but i still treat him like my guest,b4 he leave,he call me change small notes,then push me 5 bucks...c?hehe nobody say bill liao cannot give tips later wat...n alot of ppl c after service more...some angmo pay credit card...after tt when they leave they left money on the table...hehe,so after service must do well,dun care about tips...even they leave without tips,maybe next time we may meet up in a very special situation,maybe he will help u,becos of ur personality leh?u will nvr know la...but this is wat i learn la...
So far so good...tot my tips today should be highest,when i do cash out at back door,saw sharon...she say her tip 100+....nabei...her standard confirm higher than me,she last time bakerzin supervisor leh...come here be captain...she potential can go be supervisor one la...but problem is where she standing...she at tap room loh...heard is the highest tips place...especially when got soccer...today arsenal dunno versus who...not funny she get so much...she also got "20 cent tips day"b4 wat...haha...this gal ah...basically look like samantha of g/h...but she look closely look like gigi leong loh...hoho...quite chio actually...who call her to torture herself...eat so little,sleep so little...basically we sit there talk cock,feeling like brother loh...haha,we quite alike...hope we can learn from each other more...
Haiz,now drinking again...dunno this golden got problem or i got problem...got taste,but no kick....like water leh...not high...erm...golden getting too light to me liao or wat...now chatting with han...haiz...dun say liao...sick n tired of all these things...let fate decide ba...decide liao then i decide...now work it very important orh...

Chapter LXIX: It's SAD~~

2007-08-12T01:07:00.000-07:00

Wake up pretty late today...2 plus 3...went for breakfast,then go check with sheena about the pet food,then go cut hair...all say my hair standing...very jia lat...now cut liao look so funny...haiz hack care...then go united square get something for work tml...haiz...going to start work...c?work wan off,off wan work...sian...after tt go zouk do clearance,then go yishun...actually meeting jer to past him her gf's books,but he not free...then not my business...i may not have the time other days...
Erm...all the way so alone....come home liao hope can find someone chat...bee bee like not interested in chatting with me leh...haiz...clarisse also tired go sleep liao....han not online...sianz...was thinking the whole day...y i start to like older gals liao ah?haiz... dunno also...5 years leh...haiz...cannot be la...haiz...i 25 she 30 liao loh....sad...cannot la...if same age should be better...younger even better...but nowadays young gals realli cannot make it leh...haiz...sad ah...fuck la,think i wat...very good very handsome very rich ah,choose so much...got gals wan already good enough liao...sad...dunno leh...i'm not tt fuck up also wat...ah~~~sick n tired of these...y off day noone finds me out,haiz....face too cool huh?must smile more....dun be so yaya...be more humble,more understanding,more ti tie...start to pshyco myself..."yeah,everything is fine,so happy everyday...yeah,working is so fun...yeah,no stress...yeah~~~" fuck la...
Realli need to like tt meh?ppl say my face dun talk like very how lian n very dao...wat the hell man...i cannot be emotional ah?i happy not happy also cannot ah?fuck la...i human leh....aghhh!!! this world's fuck up la...too bad,i'm still a life...need to carry on,need to blend in...fuck,i hate this...but,just do it la...

Chapter LXVIII: Good Day

2007-08-11T03:28:00.000-07:00

Haha today is a good day...no pr no pr!!!yeah!!! 5 table give tips,almost reach 20 i guess...wahaha...important is 5 table leh...normally onli 1 or 2 table...how much u get is by luck one,but how many table give tips is luck n how well u do ur service...got one very wasted one....first time c this kind of credit card...from SMA(Singapore Medical Association)...tt kind of place also got personal credit card...n come out the name is "DR" omg...they look young loh...high flyer...a trick learn in g/h...ppl give credit card,print liao read the name,then when give them sign address them by mr so n so...ah,like tt they feel special,sometimes surprise,n will felt tt u put in effort to know who r they...then most likely have tips liao...muahahahaha...this Dr. Ng nvr give tips...cos i nvr address his name...haiz...forget...but they very happy of my service,n i'm so into it tt i nearly treat them drink coffee from my money...haha,siao liao,yesterday kanna lecture by anthony,today suddenly very hard working,come very early for work,do thing very fast n very happy mood...
Tml off!!!haiz...work tt time wan off,off tt time wan work...siao man...today azrol also teach me a few extra initiative skills...how to serve the guest better...hoho must practice...erm,basically is just make them ur own guest...make use of the loop hole of the restaurant to serve the best out of it...the loop whole is for us to use one la...anyway,off day come,wanna dun rest also cannot...better rest...as usual,drinking now...so can sleep better...hehe felicia dada care for me today,call me dun drink too much...if she become a wife sure very fierce de...erm,i think my point of view very different from other ppl leh...age doesn't realli matter la...hehe dun think too much,just tt,nowadays like gals all older than me one...those i think can make it one...felicia dada 5 years older than me leh...haha...anyway,good day,tml still got quite a few things must settle one... so rest more...

Chapter LXVII: 逼笑

2007-08-10T02:24:00.000-07:00

Today can say the worst day at my work place..PR open by joey...100.45...fuck...n it's my table...means company lose tt money becos of me...wat happened...was chatting with ang mo guest...haha my pr skills getting better...then they happy happy so i take order...everything ok,then i repeat order...they say ok~~~yeah,go key in super fast speed...check again....then double check one more time...scare wrong,cos long table..yeah everything correct...hoho,phoebe call me go eat...i happy hand over to d-jay,then go eat liao...come back tt time azrol tell me i in deep shit...something cock up on table 13...huh?i double check triple check liao still wrong?!?wtf...anyway azrol is one of the best supervisor there...he is my teacher...got tie hair one...but realli friendly n patient...even he kanna scold or embarrased he still can laugh...respect...i go back,kanna say by lynn again...na bei..after tt kanna say by joey again...heng her pr acc still got 900+ after she give tt one...then phoebe also shake head...in the end kanna call to annex by anthony...
Haiz...20 mins tok...this 20 mins he put me deep to the bottom of no where...in his eyes,i'm still zero...i requested to go on floor,so his expectation will be higher...so...his main point is he can't c my heart in service...he can't c my smile...fuck....i can't smile not becos i'm tired after long hours...not becos of supervisor's strict n sacarstic scoldings...it's myself...i'm crazy...how to smile?ah siao....keke...after tt phoebe speak to me about the problems...i indeed make mistake,i miss out the kids steak...cos he having a fucking pizza himself,n order one more new york steak...he's not fat ok...still can sit on her mum's leg...either they treat him like prince if not he is a monster...haiz...second is the kitchen also give wrong order...3rd is the guest also acknowledge the wrong order...fuck...think they know themselves...so b4 leave they give d-jay 23 bucks of tips...n d-jay gives me...she just wanna cheer me up...well...it's ok...spend it on my supper at brewerkz...can c joey's face already not happy liao...now i give money company leh...anyway,azrol help me sign my beer n ice cream...bro,u best man...still lend me jacket so i can sit alfresco...
Was thinking this...anthony say...even i serve the staff tt work here,i must serve them like others...i sit down there order,like normal guest...no coaster...nvm,candy dun have it with her...condiments correct...food come...eat finish no check back...table lots of rubbish nvr clear...nvr smile...no eye contact...wave hand nobody c for half a min...i say like tt not onli shoot candy...include,robin,station captain...felicia,floor supervisor...joey,floor manager...best...then y the fuck anthony wan me to be on tt standard...he says,"alvin,i believe u can do it...tt's y i always wan u in...3 months time,prove me tt u realli worth it..."y me again...y i so special?faith...for wat reason they have faith in me?i can't even smile....fuck...onli way...force myself to smile naturally...realli have to put tt mask...deep from my heart...easiest way,change my point of view...be sensitive to guest mood...be sensitive to superior's motive...they fuck me, they swan me or wat...is becos they wan me to grow...change tt point of view,n things can be more acceptable...all the past,make me grow to this stage,no matter how hard,no matter how pain,i grow n moves on...n i will smile...wat a way to force a natural smile...haha...
Was chatting with von von during today break...disturb her reading...haha...just feel good talking to her...erm...remember wat she says..."u dun need to live for others...live for urself first...u have to make urself happy..."think tt's the point...so long nvr really love myself liao...so...sleep early...tml cannot late again liao...

Chapter LXVI: 失算(Miscount)

2007-08-09T01:21:00.000-07:00

Erm today is a day of miscount...the golden i bought today is damn fuck up...no smell at all...haiz...but spend liao must finish it...saw it on the counter fridge,alone...not with his buddies tt is on top...felt so funny...maybe put for a few days liao...haiz,should tell phoebe i wan the on top one...this one so nan he...
Work with lynn in the morning again...na bei...even she dun talk i also can feel the pressure there... seriously,not say dun like her la...just tt she always so quiet...stand there smile smile...the smile so fake...for guest to c onli... from morning she put me in runner side already...erm know she dun like me...haha too bad manager varen say i more strong,so must come outside...hehe,from start to end,taking 4-9...middle part after break take 1-9,11-17...16 table...steam leh...then at night 4-9 again...haiz,morning miscount...ppl order small wings i key big wings...in the end felicia dada have to do pr...she left 300+ liao...then key beer i all the way very confident de ma,so once i nvr check onli miscount...key in 2 beer one time...have to void again...haiz...lynn say last chance liao...next time i gonna pay myself...so sad,but still forcing to smile...i sad not becos lynn scold me,is cos y i so careless...i key POS already very slow liao,still can key wrong..fuck up...go break,then speak with small yvonne...haiz she got 10 more days...realli will miss her...how i wish she can dun go,so can know her more...haiz,age doesn't matter la...wahaha...after toking to her make me more focus...since i key so slow also will wrong,must well i key super fast...try la...long order i awhile can liao...most important is check...haha got mistake,but is kitchen n bar mistake...i key 1 fries onli,i remember,become 2...i check again,haha i key correct,kitchen fault...then ipa i key one onli,then bar make 2...wahaha lynn's fault...cos tt time she barman... still tt stupid smile,but this one look better...now u know human make mistake right?nb...u supervisor also can make mistake then wat u expect from a server tt is onli on floor for the 4th day...still give me 16 table one shot,lucky not full house time...alot of supervisor say she will train till the person gets to her standard then she will hack care...i will be above her standard...bloody hell,this is not fine dinning leh...
Seriously dunno how she make mistake one...erm...i take my beer liao i will spike ma,then how come leh?onli possibility is becos there is white n yellow copy,she take white stick at the beer then yellow forget to throw away,then too gan chong liao,light there too yellow liao,tot tt one is white copy,then do the second time...wahaha...careful neh...this is ur last chance...whahaha...the rest of the night kanna slam like hell...kitchen one window is 1.25 m,the order chit got 3 window so long...then the printing machine still got one bunch thick thick one haven't put up...my guest wait for almost 1/2 an hour...i also paiseh,so go tell them they have to wait n i'm so sorry,then they say,"thanx for informing us..."wtf...sarcastic right...slap ur face la... so i say y not eat some snacks first b4 the food come...hehe suddenly got this idea...cos b4 tt a table order alot of peanuts from me...all free one...so i make use of this loop hole make them happy...hehe,then tell felicia dada... she even best,use her pr go order chip n salsa to entertain them...clever dada...haha since she treat me so good,today i very hard working at night n do thing well...so she can be very free...free untill yawn...haha...today the crowd dun have 1000 also 900...n she can be free untill yawn...best la...
Finish work go do cash out...1500+...think most of them think b4...how i wish this money is mine...hoho...1 server can get thousand to thousand five...dining itself already got 6 server...then trophy got at least 2,annex got at least 2,left got 6,right got 6, today still got 7000's...there should have 3...wawawa...1 night net profit should have more than 5k.... erm...stop dreaming...haha today got a very very funny miscount...i bring 10 bucks to work... the table i give wrong wings one actually wanted to pay for the big wings,but lynn insist not...then tt guy give 10 buck tips to me...hehe,then another table give 2.20 tips...jerry come eat also give 4.50 tips...but my lunch i eat 20+ leh...i should have less than 10 bucks in my pocket loh...but y i got 20 bucks?y ha?siao liao...cash out is a idiot prove thing leh...the POS print out i write again to double check then separate cash n credit card onli wat...how to get wrong?some more not i c onli...joey also got c...cash is 456.65 ma...i now still remember so clearly...in the end still need to use machine count again...everything must tele...but y i still got so much in my pocket?hope not i cash out got problem...pls pls...shouldn't be la...check so many times liao...
The last thing i miscount...all the flavour in tt golden sink underneath...now taste sooooooo good...wahaha...

Chapter LXV: UNLEASE OF WRATH

2007-08-07T02:02:00.000-07:00

The key to unleash a hatred in me...love...treating someone so well,not to mention wat i had done...just becos,keeping a secret,just becos mentioning a name...well...this is wat i get...well...really well done humans...i'm nothing,i'm noone...i make mistake,n am sincere to change...this is wat i get...a human mouth will twist things round...twist love into sickening shit,n abuse...well done this is wat i get...i will remember for life...get prepared...
Loving her like this...all the way...even when make her angry also just becos i care for her...well done,this is wat i get...treating him so well,he just taking me like stupid,dun bother to reply msgs,dun bother to reply miss call....well done...taking him as a good friend,telling him my plans,telling him how i feel sometimes,always try to help him,he dun give a fuck n just leave me like tt...although i may say bad things about him to his gf,but tt's the fact,scare wat?if she loves u,u think she care?well done...treat her like a brother,try the best to tell her every fact i know...n in the end no trust had been given,although she say she trust me to the end...say onli...well done....love her so much,try to treat her the best i have,i'm just a human...how can i give u everything u wan at any moment u wan...i'm a human,tt's y always have to love myself...i already trying the best to give all...this is wat i get....very well done...treat him like a elder brother...admire him,respect him...just becos of mistrust,my fault,how many sorry also useless...n this is wat i get...well done...love her,always try to hope i can get her,but isn't possible,but at least i'm willing to be there to help if she wans....is this wat u meant?all the while?the love is not onli love,it's admiration...so all the while the angel tt i admire is just a fucking hypocritical shit?!?very good...
So is there realli someone tt worth me caring,is there someone worth me loving?she say yes,she belief everyone will be worthy for someone,whether they finds it anot...well,i may not find it...n u think fairy tale ah?very well...i had enough...always thinking,y is there always nothing to motivate me...y am i still at this stage?heard a voice a few months back....always trying to deny tt is the fact...but issit?"ur hatred is not enough..."wat should i do?after tonight there will be an answer...
Anyway,y i always mentioning eve's name,not becos i can't let go...it's just tt she's still my friend i guess...i will not be angry or watever if anybody mention her...just a normal friend to me...someone i know...i still have alot to explain myself against wat she write...but,wat's the point?there r misunderstandings,there r things tt r not the fact,there r things tt she guesses...but wat's the point to explain...i dun need to clear ur doubts,dun need to clear the misunderstandings,dun need to explain her stupidity n her childishness...live urself,die urself...as a friend,a god bro...there is no more way i'm going to help u...there's no more way u r going to let me help u...n it's pointless to help u...i'm already stretching out this far,just tt u prove urself to me...worthless...
I know myself....i said ppl r hypocritical shit...i am one myself...ain't u?living for so old,u should know the reason...i say ppl childish,me too...cos i have emotions...i say u r worthless,me too...i dun need to explain this,u have ur own perspective...free to think free to say...nights...

Chapter LXIV: Why like that!!!

2007-08-06T02:51:00.000-07:00

Told myself to sleep early liao..morning so difficult to get up...n now?chatting with han...sweet tok again...haiz...wtf...die liao...heart so messy...ah!!! dunno la...sian...
Let's talk about the problem today...went work,morning not tt busy dun put me on floor,at night damn busy then put me,i consider first day on floor leh...yyy?tonight got F1 racing,n soccer match,stupid also know will busy...then actualli take 4 table in the end become 5...got 2 reservation table under me...one of them is my supervisor which i haven't c b4 one...die...scare,confuse,stress...in the end service fuck up...seldom felt so useless...haiz...wat i've been learning in g/h so far...y like tt?
Erm,think think...where got so coincident one...all these plan by management one loh...think they testing me...even more stress...sure fail one la...work half way manager call supervisor to leave me,let me go solo...siao liao...erm,but got one good thing...i go home late 10 mins i also dunno...time flies on floor...dun feel tired at all,onli stress...i will get use to it one...11-10 timing getting more shorter to me liao...dun feel a thing...wanna whack more leh...next week c how...tml will be solo all the way...change alot of coins liao...today not a single cent tips...give guest tips instead...n give company too...nvm...now got lots of coins liao...tml,jia you...
I was always thinking,which type of person would not start a relationship...even friendship...onli 2 type...someone tt won't die,n someone tt will die soon... i mean if i'm either of them...haiz...night...

Chapter LXIII: Faith

2007-08-05T02:04:00.000-07:00

Acutally wat does tt mean?dictionary have different meaning between faith n faithful...so wat is it?ppl say faithful to god...faithful to their partner...n wat's love does it gonna related with it?erm...word changes their meaning when read by different ppl,in different perspection...this is wat i found,especially these kind of word...
To me...faith is something like trust...in a way like confidence too...using onto other ppl...faithful,means loyalty...faithful to god,believe in god...a much heavier word then believe i felt...n love...someone's blog ask this question too...someone who likes to take dictionary out to check...this word realli have alot of meaning...using at different ppl different time...y u love a person...i say this in bgr situation...ask bee bee,y she love a person...from like become love...she say got feelings loh...gals always wanna use this way to fix the meaning of love...a feeling... when u dun c him u miss him...when u c him u r shy n happy...i had this feelings 11 years ago...think it's the last time...i remember my smile in the mirror...10 years later i saw it again,on another person...ade...when she pick up her bf phone call...tt's the smile,which makes me gave up on going after her...she's so happy,hope she is still till now...
Even a phone call can make a person smile like tt...erm,this is love to her ba...to some ppl they relate to family...bgr in relate with family...love this person so much,even how much this person betrays,how many things happen,they r still together...nvr give up on him...i do have the same concept about love when she leave me...haha but when i c this gal,i doubt whether this is love...this is love to her...
To some guys in this world,love is just a game...a way to manipulate others feelings...make tt person can't leave u even u betrays her,make a person so happy when she c u...normally they call this fishing tactic...human wanted to play with this till they even come out with books...haha realli nvr bluff ppl one...but is tt love?in fact,now she said tt i'm the one tt is playing this game...well...believe it anot,i deny...i know how to play,but i can't...cos i extremely disagree tt this is love...
Human r just so complicated...i'm damn complicated i should say....haha just a word they can't even find a fix meaning...to me,ways of love realli got alot...but to me,meaning of love very simple...a feeling...mixture of emotion n logic...first when u c someone tt realli attracts u...u ask urself,will i have future with this person?will i be able to put in all my trust to this person?will i be faithful to this person?no matter wat happen to her,will i still be with her?normally these answer can't be found when u first attract to tt person...so onli way is try first loh...wahaha...starting u may have tt kind of c her will be happy feeling...soon will change...become c her will be peaceful...every morning when i kissed her i c tt smile...kitten smile...haha i feel so peaceful...felt tt even as much pain i suffer,she will still be with me,not say protect me,at least comfort me... but it's all fake!!!cos she's not faithful...just when i said to myself...she worth me loving...all the questions i ask above...all r positive...n she just go...whether she fall for him when she's with me i dunno,i dun bothered to know anymore,but y i say she's not faithful is becos,she dun believe tt i'm loving her...as simple as tt...her beliefs changes...into i'm using her...alright...fated,i have nothing to say...
Talk to this gal just now...she had this problem about faith...i already tired of acting anymore...nvm...i have to....dunno,become my instinct...if i nvr act,i will on the spot fuck u...to my point of view u r definately unfaithful...but u dun felt so,cos ur bf also not faithful once...u choose to forgive but nvr forget...gals r like tt i know...so wat's the point getting together?using tt as the first excuse to be unfaithful...same to ting...u can't forget,then y bother to forgive?forever there will be this mark in ur heart...either bringing it as an excuse,or an excuse to quarrel...stupid right...up to u anyway...n gal u still dare to tell me the pheromone thingy...regardless fake or true...i was so fucking piss n become so sarcastic just now...well done...pheromone,u said it's a smell tt will attract ppl together right?the stronger it is the more u can't reject right?so wat if tt's true?is tt a reason,or an excuse?so,all guys tt is outside fucking around after their marriage,they all can use this as a reason,so everyone will felt tt it's ok man,not their fault...yeah right...not applicable to me even the whole world say so...sorry if it's too harsh,but just let me burst awhile after having a few weeks of acting show at work...
From my point of view,it's definately possible tt u have tt kinda feelings to others beside ur partner...of cos,this world so big...there is so much choices...but since u have already choosen one,n had been together for so long,u should be already decided tt he should be the one isn't it? or maybe,u dun felt tt he's the one,u r just having him by ur side so u will feel better,u nvr think of getting married with him...if tt so,i got nothing to say n will retrive all the words above...but tt's not the case...u wanted to get married with him...to me,marriage is just a stupid ceremony...a way to tell ppl around u tt u can have babies n houses legally...to me,tt's all...so since u choosen,then just be faithful...2 choices obviously,one break with ur bf n go with tt guy,another cut off all feeling u have for tt guy n be faithful to ur bf...onli a second's job to decide,if u realli love ur bf... c how long u spend...tt's y i say u unfaithful...
Ah,scoldings finish...like it or not,fine...just so fucking tired of acting...if u ask me how many friends i have,where i wear my mask to know,close ones there r more than a dozen,not close ones,oh man,too much...but if u ask me,those who c my true colours n still my friend,not more than 3 i guess...so u decide...i scold u untill like tt,becos i felt tt u r wrong,i'm faithful as a friend...i love u as a friend...all the ppl,the past,the recent ones,i use this way to let them know wat kind of friends i am...tt's y left so little now...u choose...analyse for u somemore...follow the crowd,or be tt stupid unique ones...
Now i know who to choose...even eve comes back,i won't be interested anymore,becos she dun have faith in me...i will nvr settle myself with this kind of person...naive right...faith is just a dream...just felt tt whole world onli i have faith...all dun have...not happy with my saying then show me ur faith...prove me wrong then...haha...
Finally,i'm getting tired...the beer effect...golden can't drink too slow either...if not,in the end will be like water...erm,nvm...so nice...n gal,i'm still alive...i still have my aims...i won't be gone so fast,if u concern...i take all these painfulness as challenges...c,my new work place i already got champion for longest working hours...62 hour per week...every one got 168 hours a week,i left with 106 hours...more than half u c...nothing great to me actually...but they just felt tt i'm insane...if management allow,i hope i can go up to 100 hours...but but....haiz,still too little...100 hours times 6 per hour equal 600,times 4 weeks,2400...heard there's CPF...20% means i take home onli 1920...where got enough?fuck...how?finally today able to be on floor already...hope tml too...means my tips coming....hoho...have to fucking memorise the menu n the POS machine(Point Of Sales)...this is wat i more scare than the horrible working hours...life is full of stress...no,i mean challenges...i must have extreme faith in myself...
Just written a new song on my blog...by laruku again...this song,is memorable...it's about faith...changed to english b4,but not nice...hehe ok nights...

Ya forget, wish u happy birthday... n continue to be serious with her...

My 最佳损友...

Chapter LXII: あなたのために

2007-08-04T23:45:00.000-07:00

"Anata no tameni"
"Just the way you want it"(Japanese)
~
Was damn pissed during work today...tt's y i'm drinking again....nah...cos i missed the taste...the first mouth u will feel the acidic feeling first...then when u swallow it,it's cooling even it's room temperature...n the back kick is so warmth...n delicious in the sense of smell tt goes back to the nose...erm...second mouth gets lighter,when u reach 3rd or 4th mouth,it's almost the same as normal beer...i will stop for maybe half a min or so then i drink again,n the flavours come again...erm...so nice...muahaha...life is great...n i won't get drunk in this speed...
Haiz...was so piss by this 2 person...not realli very piss la...but just abit not happy...one say wat we r friends,will help me upgrade my com or watever...nvm...i realli appreciate it...but in the end leh?say wanna meet yesterday night,say take half day off help me take the ram chip...so pai seh,but since he wan,then realli thanx alot...just return him money in time...in the end nvr call me nvr reply my msg...i was thinking should i call,but was thinking,in the end it's not his duty or wat to help me...wat should i expect...i make it straight forward la....everytime when he reach the time to take money he will suddenly msg me...when i need help or wat,he disappeared...i always think he must not help me,but he promise to help me becos he treat me as a friend...aiya,watever,dunno he knows anot...i hate ppl for not replying my msg,especially someone i concern...first thing i feel neglect,second i dunno he's dead or alive or hp drop inside toilet bowl...so diffcult to reply my msg if u treat me as a friend meh?so all those friendship talks r just talks?sorry for being so accusive,but i feel like tt loh...watever,next time,dun tell me this again...maybe u r busy,there must be a reason behind la...maybe emergency,maybe u too tired tt u forget,watever...dun need to say untill u sure gonna help me..realli appreciated,just take care of urself first b4 thinking of helping others...
This gal...aiya eve la...always like to call me....msg very ex ah?u know i'm normally busy one leh...haiz...then say wanna pass me the dog food,till at night,nvr msg me,nvr call me...wait whole night like idiot...for these 2 person...very difficult to call me meh?last min got things to do,ok loh...not like i'm gonna be angry or wat...just tell me la...in the end wat thing?go play guitar with friend...best...up to u...i'm no one to concern...all along...these sentence,been singing for so long since we r together...あなたのため...
Been working just now...was so piss by these 2...this gal,come 3 or 4 days onli...nvm,nvr listen to my advise...do things finish nvr clear,need others to clear...forget once ok...how many times liao?now i become runner side ic...today i fucking number 8 day leh...need me to in charge of them?haiz...in the end i kanna fuck again...this guy even best...ya,like to learn things alot....almost as fast as me,but too bad memory abit losing...anyway,just like to go his own way...2nd day leh bro...can listen anot?ccb...same thing i tell them....あなたのため...
A song from L`Arc~en~Ciel...Laruku...sang this so many times to eve last time...i'm helping her, giving her advise...till the very end i also nvr tell her the meaning of this sentence...nvm...she dun need to know,now she's doing her own way...every human live their own lifes...i know from the start,i definately can't control...i onli can give advice,but normally ppl dun follow becos of pride...so i du lan also dun wanna give advice already....but human just fucking like to act....act humble...act tt they can accept...they will come n ask for ur advice...as if watever ur advice they will accept...in the end if the advice is not going with their way,they just fuck care n do their own way...hypocritical shits...to friends,i will just fuck care...for love ones,i will get more n more worried n will soon tense to control...silly right....cos i dun wan bad things to happen to them...so conclusion,no matter who,i of cos can give advices...clear n well analysed...after tt, turn my head n fuck off,whether they appreciate,they follow or wat,it's up to them...everybody have their own thinking their own way of living....same as i...so,watever it is,just wish them good luck...of cos,if the situation is critical,ah....even i have to break ur leg to stop u n kanna jailed i also dun care....cos u r my friend,u r my love one...must c la,how critical it is...

Chapter LXI: 梦见

2007-08-04T02:21:00.000-07:00

Long time....nvr c into my dreams...as wat those stupid scientist say we make dunno how many thousand dreams a night,but onli can c a few...i once used to be able to c maximum 24 or 25 dreams... average 5 -6 ba... it's tiring... now i seldom c le...forget got how long...but i still feel tired when i wake up,cos i c my imaginations... keke... nvm... let's talk about the latest... just now while waiting for someone to call me, i took a nap... dreamt tt i meet 3 dogs...haha one normal husky, one i think is border collie, then one pure white dog... hold their tail,dunno for wat then they pull me back home meet bengo...then they become friends...haha so child's dream right?
Let's talk about today morning...a very funny dream... this guy...one of my "ex" friend... killed his gf... i explain all the misunderstanding...realli feel the hatred...burning in me...i basically burn in fire..ma chiam movie sia...i think there's more story,b4 i realli c the dream,he's with her... these 3,once so close with me...in the dream i call them lust,glutonny n envy...haha realli suit them...had a fight...haha...they knock out...then another "close" one came into the show... always had the feeling tt he's above me...i call him greed...wahaha...watch too much movie liao...ki siao liao...n he called me..."wrath"...ah!!!!wtf!!!
The day b4 is the best...a very short one...onli on my bed...with her...also dunno which her...onli one her in my dreams la...haha...but,but hor,hehe i dunno y everytime i dream of her,this name comes out of my mouth..."qin"...not ya qin tt qin loh...i remember i saw her write her name,dunno when n y,is qing,情...keke...on my bed doing nothing...just lie down there...closing my eyes...hugging her...erm...tt's y i overslept n was late...haha... cos i dun wanna leave my bed n her... keke i realli ki siao liao...nvm...it's normal ba...haha...
I also heard her saying...my name..."vyn"...dunno whose voice...all gals sound almost the same leh...i must hear liao then can recognise...just so gentle...erm....keke someone tt does not exist...nvm...just hope,at least i can dream of her everynight...

Chapter LX: Sure~

2007-08-03T01:42:00.000-07:00

Found tt this is my favourite quote neh...somemore i working in service line,always say this word...normally ppl will say "certainly" in g/h,but i just like to say this...dunno y...n i found tt this word appear alot of time in Constantine also...by keanu reeves...the ang mo way of saying must make the mouth like kissing someone like tt...funny...dunno how to say...looks funny haha...but learning,cos now i dealing with lots of ang mo...
Been working hard today...almost went crazy...lunch still can handle,till dinner...hoho 800+ pax...lucky i still not bad...if not i really cannot take it...somemore i still protecting those new comer...haiz...back home so tired...go eat supper...eat alot recently...spend alot also...really must stop spending liao...till dunno when...minimal spending...must plant in the mind set...erm...was thinking,mind set is very important...if u r playing a game...lose win doesn't realli matters...but if i say this game u lose u will lost a finger,how hard will u play?if i say this game u lose ur dick will be smash off,how hard will u try?in everything u do,u put in this mind set so strong,no human can take it...just an imagination...if when i work i put in these kind of mind set?when i wake up from bed i put in this kind of mind set?although nothing is important to me,but i admit there is still somethings i dun wanna lost,some pain i dun wanna feel...tt's y i'm still alife...end of the story,there is a purpose behind...haha always a catch...i do so many things becos of purpose..tt's the point...
Read ppl's blog...so many things come in my mind...ppl will have much more even worst situation than urs...u r not the worst,not the best...always like this...but tt time how much pain is inflicted on u? how much is inflicted on this gal?is death realli the worst?or the best?dunno...tt auntie ah,always say believe in god...force me to read tt book...first page onli wanna tear the book liao...put it in this point...there is realli god la...hor...god created all of us...we worship him...but,so wat?we still have to trust our own strength...it's god tt give us this body, this mind...everything...doesn't it sound worthy if i say trust urself means trust god?ya right,there is so many stuff in this world tt we can't reach...too much instead...when u already try ur best,automatically,u will pray...cos there's nothing u can do...anymore...me too,pray sometimes...when i realli can't do anything...out of my reach...but i will not always pray,i appreciate...u dun need to say anything to appreciate...just smile...even u can't, try ur best...she says,smile is a medicine...medicine r bitter...i often feel this bitterness on my mouth...think she too...but u know?often we grieve over ppl's death...always there will be someone saying,the one tt has leave us,wanna c us smile...wan us to be happy...just change positions with tt one tt is gone...u too,wanna c the ppl tt u love to be happy...it's hard...realli hard...but definately,u have to,cos u r still alive...
It's hard for me to smile truthfully...i may be happy awhile,but sooner than i expect,my smile fade...it's hard...but...i can tell u...i'm living a life i wan now...challenges in front of me...i heads on with it...solving the problems like a billion pieces of jig-saw puzzle...testing my brain my body my heart...my ability to live...this is the life i live,this is wat i wan..."the greatest success of a person is to live his own life...his own way..."dunno which guy say one...but this is the fact,n...although it's hard for me to realli smile,but if u ask me,whether i'm happy with my life n carry on with the unknown years till the end,my answer will be"Sure~"

Chapter LIX: Somethings never change

2007-08-01T20:45:00.000-07:00

Went work today,late...i have to change this fate...can be early,cos lack of motivation,went back sleep again...ya tt's the word...motivation...i'm searching for tt...nothing seems important to me now,tt's y lack of motivation...end work at 6...late 8 mins,so give back 8 mins...dunno will cut pay anot...nvm...
Bought golden when i leave...told zi han,it was my medicine for fever...still feel feverish now,but didn't take temperature...dun give a damn...da bao whopper home,eat,watch bleach then start drinking...been drinking these few days...from the day with bernard...just have the feeling...to drink...searching for something,dunno wat...till just now...
Dunno becos i miss her or i'm lonely...perhaps finally drink enough,beyond the point of high,abit drunk i guess...i miss something...not her...just hug my bolster n cry...long time nvr feel this warm on my face...this feeling...i miss her,or i dun...i dun miss her now...the eve now...it's before...the times when i call her dear...not the eve now...definately...she changed...fill with hatred perhaps...dun give a damn...either an enemy or a stranger to me now...i onli concern her in the past...not her i mean...the feeling...the feeling of love...i crave for the hugs...i like the kisses...i miss those call...i wish for those whispers...i love tt SMILE...none of them exist now...even if i get it,it's from someone else...i dun mind,if it's true...i dun mind even risking my life for it...hereby,i truthfully HOPE tt i will get this feeling again...something tt is onli mine...which worth me giving up my everything,my career,my ambition,anything...nothing is important to me anyway...i can onli hope...
Perhaps,when the day come,when i finally found this feelings...it's already my time to go...my state now...my lifestyle now...just digging my own grave...but i will still wan to lie on this feeling once again...even for a night,a short period b4 i leave...this is the feeling i crave for,which will nvr change...
Ah,awake already...not drunk liao...i wrote the above when i'm half drunk...haha...anyway,golden is really nice neh...think this will be my favourite...hoho...

Chapter LVIII: ESPERANZA

2007-08-01T04:05:00.000-07:00

"HOPE"(Spanish)

Went for a coffee just now...tot of this...she said,seeing how i suffers in pain now make her relives...indeed,i am...this is the best gift i could give u...just wants u to be happy,i'm suffering in pain cos by memories everyday...this is wat u wan...i give u my smile...but this is not the worst i guess...something i have tt is more important than my smile...hope...u can nvr take tt away as long i'm alive...without this i must as well be dead...i hope i will find a gal tt will suits me much more than u,more than anyone else...i hope i could earn lotsa money so my family n i won't worry about money...u understand?u can't take hope away from me...if u wan,by all means...my smile already urs,the rest r not so important to me anymore...my friends now will leave me one day,my family will leave me one day too...i just have to treasure them now...waiting them to leave...once my day hasn't up yet,there's no way anyone can take away this treasure of mine....HOPE...

Chapter LVII: Hypocritical Shit

2007-08-01T03:08:00.000-07:00

Been awhile didn't blog liao...not too long ba...first of all,i should wish don(bernard's gf),shiman,siew ping, happy birthday... been working these few days,learn alot of things,c alot of things, n also get sick...haha..think is the jab yesterday ba...typhoid vaccination...dunno can last how long...nvm...tml will be fine ba...
Yesterday work till 10...bought some beer back...hoho...long time nvr drink liao...siao...sat drink with bernard,sun drink with zi han,then yesterday buy home drink...think tt,maybe i drunk liao will sleep better ba...so i bought 3 bottle,go home, then think,should i buy some show?erm,getting more n more no life liao,so bought some show from ah neh center go home watch,n some nasi briani...go watch eat n drink...so shiok...haiz...too bad...alone...nvm...getting use liao...3 show,Constantine,Blade trinity,Matrix reload...out of these 3 ah... Constantine is the best i can say...watch twice...tt guy inside...keanu reeves...is much better than he is in matrix...found tt he look quite like huang lee hom...n he act like liang chao wei...wa...very nice..his acting skill realli very real...think he's my idol for hollywood ba...wahaha...haiz...realli enjoy yesterday...sleep till 5 then wake up...think next time off day buy beer go home drink...will make me very awake the next day...but i realli spend too much liao...must cut cost to the max liao...haiz...haven't get pay yet...cut cost cut cost...
Anyway,just learn this phrase...Hypocritical Shit...nothing special,but i nvr say this kind of things b4...my ang mo getting better liao...going to become ang moh beng liao...haha...just fuck those hypocritical shits tt is surrounding my life...had enough...

Chapter LVI: 私を理解していないで...

2007-07-29T04:08:00.000-07:00

"Don't understand me..."

Just back from my drinking session...erm...today sleep till very late then wake up...tot of pampering myself once in awhile ma...go eat sushi...yeah!!! alone....haiz...nvm,getting use liao...also good la,haha...ya need to buy the card protector for my new work place...so go united square buy...haha then wanna go novena square eat ichiban boshi...er,my brain abit blur sia,long time nvr realli sleep so long liao,the best part is in my dreams i still dream i memorising the stupid table number...ccb...nvm reach novena square then think,y not i buy a few comic n go eat sushi,like tt more better right?then u turn go back united square...buy Tsubasa...haha a very good comic if u like CLAMP's comic...must c orh,then go back novena square...when reach ichiban boshi,then i remember,got one place around here is cheaper leh...ah!!!at united square!wtf...i go how many rounds liao...wanna faint liao...stupid,waste time...in the end did enjoy there la...after tt go walk walk,drink coffee,then go home...suddenly someone call me,bernard ng...eh? he seldom call me leh,wat's wrong...oh,he wanna meet me to go drink...haiz,he seldom call me out leh,somemore is go drinking...hehe maybe got something wanna intro me...hehe babes?wohoho...

Reach there,this place at upper thomson...call...TCSS...Talk Cock Sing Song...haha good name right?another noisy place...c him...alone...haiz...sian...just talk cock with him,then drink loh...u dun understand me ah?i am a super lousy drinker...think maybe too long nvr meet le ba...haha...drink 2 mug wanna vomit liao...haiz...headache...dun like drinking...then he treat,go eat prata also he treat...again,u dun understand me ah?i dun like ppl treat me like tt de...like i owe u like tt....nvm,next time treat u back...wa,treat him need lotsa money neh...after tt go home...chat with sayu...hehe my northland junior,stay below me onli...not here la,yishun...a guai guai gal...dreamt of her a few weeks ago...haha die...always like tt one...i despo la...haiz...then i start to think alot of things after i chat with her...

I wanna tell eve,she realli dun understand me...last time actually she understand me de...can say the most, out of all ppl...but in the end,she analyse things with short term fore sight,become dun understand liao...now she realli dun understand me...cos she confirm wat she feels n experience n then analyse is right...but u know,fire can make u warm,n also burn u out?water can carry u n also sink u?life there is alot of things tt u can't c it in it's original state de...of cos u must have faith,before u can tolerate the toughness of the short term torture la...haiz...dun say la,alot of ppl also dun understand me...they c me b4,they talk to me b4,but they would rather believe wat others say...just cannot have faith in me n urself...forget it,i always forgive it,becos human always have something stuck in their mind,often have to depend on fate to c whether they will think through it,i realli can't do much...i have too much to do,i can't do too much things to plan an encounterment for them to wake up...u r human,so do i...abit cruel,but this is earth,not heaven...when the time comes,when i have the abilities,i will once again try my best,to over turn the 'facts' in their mind...b4 i can do so,most probably they will think through...tt's y i leave those words behind..."i will be here"

Enough of it...seems tt i have enough already...time to do my stuff,er,to sleep too...tml working again...menu already can clearly memorise half liao,haha onli take me 10 mins,happy...n...i realli understand myself well enough,all my mood,my fatigue,my heart shake,there's reason behind,all link to,i'm just a normal human...so,if u one day felt tt u dun understand me,just ask me...think i can answer u ba...night...

Chapter LV: La CRUZ del ardor en la lluvia de Julio

2007-07-28T03:00:00.000-07:00

"Burning CROSS in the July rain"(Spanish)

Anybody notice y the hell i'm down here writing blog neh?Friday midnight...a time for lots of ppl to go chiong...for me to chiong work...THEN Y THE FUCK I'M DOWN HERE!!!haiz...i do differently from my plan ya?today schedule,12pm-6pm at my day work place...7pm-4.30am at my midnight work place...haiz...i change my mind...i quit...ya since i quit i will say tt name out...Zouk...down there as bartender...locker also take liao...ccb...n i analyse it's the best to work both place,so....aiya alot of reason la...go read yesterday's entry...(as if anybody will read)but now...haiz...firstly,i have limit...i psycho myself till i'm like a robot...but till my heart shakes again at work place,i start to think...my timing got problem...erm...the prove tt i got limit is when i decided to quit tt time,i start to relax my brain...then i start to ah-chiu non-stop...reach home tt time already fever...slight la hor,dun worry...muscle start to ache,eyes start to blur...take a nap then feel better...haiz...then where the problem with my timing?first,adjusting the day n night life so frequently confirm will get sick easily...i dunno others la,but for me is like tt...then i will be very restless...second,at zouk there the music damn loud loh...frequently my ear will have funny sound...third,if i pack my time so pack,i won't have time for self study,since i finally pick up reading liao...fourth,i'm actually not tt tired,but i'm very sian...no life,boring...something is lost there...although now i also serve net listen music,but better than nothing...at least can find ppl to chat online...somemore now got a few more friends liao,wanna find ppl out also not difficult...fifth,ippt window closing soon...i have to do some training...my condition now,i really can't expect much,can pass very good liao...so if i fail,i should go for RT this time liao...so if i go RT,even more time wasted...so,i should make use of the time once again...self study now is very important to me,cos i gonna learn something important in future...haiz,must have the self disipline n determination la...if not,realli die liao...haiz..

Just now sitting on the floor n enjoy the music player's music on the street...take a rest for my eyes...erm,can feel a funny heat coming from inside me...how long i didn't sleep liao...erm...i do rest on my table la,but when is the last time i really sleep on my bed?around a week ba...n when is the last time i really rest n sleep peacefully?i dunno...haha can't remember leh...realli...cos doesn't matter la...cos i haven't die,so no need rest in peace...the day will come...haiz...the heat is burning me...n suddenly,the little droplets of rain came n cool me off,bit by bit...july rain,always so demoralizing...the fire had gone off again...time to rest,n think again about the confusion in me...i'm still so immature...rest,so i can go further,n further...actually i love my bed alot neh...hoho...

Chapter LIV: Mystyrious LIFE

2007-07-28T01:57:00.000-07:00

A quiz given to me for 2 years...but i'm still unable to solve...i'm so lousy..read this blog...i call the writer 'LIFE',have a strong feeling tt this person is a female...make it female la...the clue i have,she is in my msn contacts...other than tt,i can't even confirm whether she's a male or female...how old is she,where i know her,how i know her,how close is she to me...all these cannot be confirm....onli left with this blog,which is specially for me,n she admit,she's in my msn contacts...who is she?after reading more than half of it,i know,she's a mature person around my age...n from the things she wrote,i can guess tt she is a female...from wat she wrote,she's taking a path pretty similar to me...very precise n clear analysation...she read my previous blog,n know some of my situations...a pretty smart person tt knows i will notice the time n date of her entry n have clue of where she's from...but made a very very small mistake...tt's y i know she's cautious on the time n date...putting the time in the sense of she's basically doing nothing at home or having off for tt 4 days...

Starting date is 29082005,ending date is 01092005...the ending date is a special date,alot of my friend should know...n there is onli 1 entry on tt date...like saying goodbye to me...overall,i can c a few points about her...1st,she's a caring person...2nd,she's not very close to me...3rd,she have a higher standard of english than me,much higher...4th,she has a very good standard of analysation,comparable to a guy...5th,a person like to ask y...6th,a person tt is very k po...tt's wat make her a clever person...7th,she lives in singapore...8th,she is a perfectionist...9th,she dun realli understand me on the surface...cos she dunno my weak point,lousy english n horrible curiosity...10th,she's afraid tt i know her,trying to leave as minimum clue as possible,so tt i won't know who is she...but not cautious enough...can say she maybe much mature than me tt time,but not to compare now...once she felt tt i'm digging more n more into her profile,n was scare of my aggressiveness,she disappeared....there must be a reason y she dun wan me to know who is she...i dunno...if i know,then i will know who is she liao...

I link her to my blog...anybody can know who is she,pls tell me...i give present...haha...2 years leh...i'm still guessing...my curiosity sucks...wat she written have pretty much meaning...abit luo suo,but there's meaning behind...realli wanna know her man...haiz...maybe a man...but i still wanna know...should be a quite a good friend ba...

N after reading so much,made me regret...i should read all her entries half a year ago...who call me so lazy to read...but now i pick up reading!hehe may help me in alot of ways ba...anyway,thanx alot...LIFE...

Chapter LIII: HORLOGE irréversible

2007-07-27T01:07:00.000-07:00

Today first day for work at my new work place...i reach home this morning at 6 from my midnight job...shack...go sleep...tot of wake up earlier,but didn't...yesterday kanna slam like dunno wat...somemore in bar 5,a new place...so blur lor...then today still start work at 12...wa...shiok...was very tired,during break time nearly fall asleep...but after break,then awhile later come in a batch of ladies...hoho...can say the whole work place dun have beautiful gals la...got one,but philipines one...haiz...but a few gals there got the aura leh...meet up this 2 gals...cos i work at runner side ma, then they come in tt time,i was there folding things loh...hoho like fold napkin like tt... then they talk with me ah,start to get more energetic n more lame liao...haha make all of them laugh...so got a group of friends liao...but i know, next time i work together with them, i won't be working close with them,cos they old bird,sure will go on floor de...i dunno still need how long...haiz...this place got abit like scarlet...they whack ppl dun give face one...1st day work down there like dunno work for how long like tt,first 1 hour already expect me to memorize the table number...haha sounds easy man...
This restaurant total sitting pax is 550...twice of g/h...n their maximum when during expected days will go up to 800+...wtf...who can memorize all the table number in the first hour while u r doing other things...the captain onli tell me once loh...but within 3 hours already got ppl ask me i work how long liao...wtf...when i tell them 1st day,they look abit unbelievable loh...haha...untill those gals came,i already can memorize roughly the table numbers,most of the staff name,n most of the food condiment n names liao...but i still felt tt it's abit slow leh...haiz,tml take mrt tt time spend sometime to study the menu...so by tml should memorize all menu liao...
Yesterday midnight job give me locker liao...ah!!!i wanted to quit de loh...haiz...how?during break time i was calculating,if i work at the day job how much i can earn,if i put full everyday...maximum also 90+ hr so is around 2100+...so i still thinking whether i should quit midnight job...erm...then come home tt time calculate...think...i shouldn't loh...first,i put full at day job for everyday,they will have lost,they won't wan to put so much money on a part timer onli...erm...then wat if i lost this day job accidentally?siao liao...so dun put all eggs in one basket...but i cannot work too many places,cos of transport...must plan...this 2 place can link with one busstop which is quite near,so transport still not so scared...erm...then i add up all the hours tt i possibly do...97 hours,2400+...erm...just an estimation...like tt most probably will hang above 2000...will be safer....erm,but still have to look at the tips system how...tt one realli can earn alot...so now,beside when i'm on mrt,or waiting for mrt or bus,i can waste time...other than tt,not even a second i will waste...try la...so i can do things effectively....erm...
Today this 2 gals talking to me...one is amber,23,another is zi han,20....erm...both also not bad la...haha realli talkative....like working with them...can c time moving slowly...instead dun wan the time to go so fast...so can chat more...hehe...haiz...dun think too much le...work....always kanna stuck at this kind of situation....dunno for fuck...ok put it like tt,i'm there to work,talk cock to make things easier...about others emo thingy,just relax...if realli got feel then say...but my principle will not move...no matter wat...family,friends,career...cannot be touch...haiz...xin yang yang...dun care...faster sleep liao....if not,not enough time...time will not reverse de...must sacrifice all this time for money,not my personal entertainment...

Chapter LII: 怜惜

2007-07-25T03:07:00.000-07:00

怜惜,哀れみ,compasión,pitié....Recently i found alot of ppl tt worth my pity...erm...she ah,she ah,n tt she ah...haha dun say names...but nvm...think also alot of ppl pity me...wat to do?different thinking...society,family,relationship n of cos...my fault...sometimes wanna help also cannot...cos they dun wan...wat to do? go on loh...but...as wat i said...i will be here to do my best to help u all...just tt whether u trust me or u can let me trust u anot...so simple....till my time's up...

This person...i realli missed her,n disappointed with her...n of cos 怜惜 her...not someone i love,but onli 怜惜...

Lao po zai...i won't call u this anymore...i'm not working with u,i can't protect u as a lao gong zai anymore...i will call u like others...Kimmie Chan Yoke Yee... take care always...told u before,i will be here for u...remember...nightzzz...

Chapter LI: La lluvia inacabada de Julio,no congelará el CORAZON

2007-07-25T02:49:00.000-07:00

Title: "Unfinished July rain,will not freeze my HEART"(Spainish)

Muahaha...recently interested in spain also..hoho...one time can't learn so much la...french,jap,spain...nvm...slowly...haha...erm...this is the title for today...

Been raining recently...i was thinking loh...y always rain neh...news got say singapore getting hotter le wat...wtf...today no run also becos of rain...(wat a good reason...hoho)erm...it's cold...but i will still bath later...go for a orientation at my new work place...guess where?haha dun wanna say,find out urself...took me till 5 o'clock...onli can say i almost drunk when i came out...erm...they say will be very tough working there...so call me to put lesser schedule...of cos la...i still got other place...if i there put full...i think really cannot make it...cos another side is midnight shift...realli difficult to find another job to fit in...so if this side realli good then i have to quit the midnight job...dun have to care wat relationship with managment or friends...have to learn clever this time...

Haiz...c the rain...think back 11 years ago...i can remember man...then 1 year after tt?21st of july 1997...wow...i still can remember this well...all the things....arghh...too far away liao...headache again...ha...forget it...know tt time something realli happen...it's raining like this also...i... it's a miserable kid tt time man...but funny to have these kind of stupid thinking...then i changed within a night...till now the changes r still in my appearance...onli my sis notice ba...n maybe she will know...another person tt won't care...ah...i grow up liao...long way to go...erm...my heart was like frozen tt time...slowly defrost these years...haiz....emo-emo again loh....unfinished july rain,will not freeze my heart again...scarly,i meet her in my life again...wahaha think too much liao...impossible...

Chapter L: Roman Numerals

2007-07-24T02:21:00.000-07:00

Haha,didn't think of writing today...it's a off day man...make it a short one...when for interview today...n get the job...jin wei call me play game again...lucky nvr go,n go for interview instead...hoho...a job tt can let me chiong one...if allowed i will take 7 days a week,72 bucks a day,n i still have extra time to do self study...n the best thing is wat...there r tips...hoho...heard is 30-40 per day n if i do well n the guest r well,i may get hundred!!!hoho,think this is the way how they bluff ppl to join...no need to bluff,i need the job...if realli so good,think i quit another side liao...although the bar tender job get to know more gals...hoho...nvm...money come first...erm,did i work alot?my reputation on my resume seems good...everytime i go one place they say they r interested in hiring me...erm...ritz carlton,laviva...realli tt good meh?the best thing is,this 2 place said the same thing....from my appearance they felt tt i'm a tough worker...i know how to work...huh?!?this kind of things got looks de meh?ha,eve still say i dunno how to work,onli use her money....watever,maybe is the manager tt is bluffing me...i know how well i can work,n how good is my stamina...when i realli rest,i really can rest like nobody's business,but if i work,i will definately work hard n long...erm,abit sick liao...can feel the feverish feeling in me...recently the weather also funny funny...nvm,drink more water...think i can run soon...if tml ok,i'm going to run...for sure,everyone be the witness hor...if i nvr run call me up n fuck me...must run!!! haha...anyway hope rong recover...
Miss her again...not eve la,tt fat-ass...cos i saw her tt day on my way to work...y is she there?she also wanna be bar tender ah?scarly c her on wednesday...siao liao..haiz...fat-ass!!!use ur bloody ass n think la...haiz...y can u think of such unlogical things eh?think i realli can't do much...c fate ba...one day she realli will think it through...when the time come,i won't hesitate to fuck her upside down to wake her fucking mind up...haiz...maybe we can be like last time,maybe forever not...haiz...miss those days...wat to do?l-i-f-e---s-t-i-l-l---g-o-e-s---o-n................
Yeah.....work......soooo...happie....(so fake)haha tml going down to have orientation...then most probably wed or thurs start work at the new place...if wat they say all true,if i really working on floor can get so much tips,think i will earn more than 2k...can go up to 3k loh...cannot be la...haiz...got so good meh....try liao then say...nvm...my battle start again...dun think it's a relax place to work...sooner or later have to change shoe liao...haha...
Erm,about today title...chapter L...hehe my initial...i look at my blog...chapter 49=XXXXIX...erm,i like roman number actually,so i use la...but if my chapter goes to chapter 99 then how?Chapter XXXXXXXXXIX ah?wa...so long...unlogical loh...noone wan to write so long in ancient roman ba...guun do...so i check out...'L' stands for 50,'X' stands for 10,'V' stands for 5,'I' stands for 1....4,a number lesser than 5 is written like tt"IV"mean V(5)minus I(1)...then 9,a number less than 10,is "IX"...means X(10)minus I(1)... so,therefore 40 mean 50minus 10 la? written as XL(extra large,hehehe)...so 100 how to write?hundred is "C" means"centrum" in latin... so 90 is "XC". 99 is "XCIX"haha now i know...no need write so long...so i change my blog entry from 40 onwards liao...then i curious again... "999" how to write...guess wat..."CMXCIX"............wtf...still so long...who the hell create this kind of numbers one...anyway i dun think i can write 999 entry man...eh who knows....then i even got more curious...i wrote 999999 to translate to roman....in the end the internet translator goes crazy....haha lousy shit...cos tt internet is base on "M" is the largest indicator..."M" is a thousand...so 1 million means 1000 'M'...but stupid right?in Latin, u just need to put a line on top of a number,example a line on top of "V" means 5000...so 1 million how?a line on top of a "M"(aiya i dun have microsoft words,so i use small "m" to indicate the lined...)so 999,999...nine hundred n ninty nine thousand n nine hundred n ninty nine...is... "cmxcMxCMXCIX"...eh.....dunno how to explain...wat i can say...roman seldom c this big number ba...haiz...stupid...for wat i so curious n go count...haiz...nvm...learn new things...hehe...night...

Chapter XLIX: Reckoning of Will

2007-07-23T01:17:00.000-07:00

Haha,finally got the time for my presario...think he had a good rest these few days...been working,midnight shift...long time haven't been working at these kind of timing...realli,can't fit in...the working environment dun suits me,the timing dun suits me...i'm not suitable for this job...this is wat i heard,when i was asking the new timer how they think of this job...haha ya me too...but becos of the money,i can almost suit any kind of job...as long dun call me to sell my body or do anything illegal can already...i can suit anything becos of money...
Basically i'm consider a bar tender there...but i'm actually a glass washer...first time in my life i broke so many glass in just tt few hours...cut my hand plenty of times...so?try to cover,dun let ppl know...hehe...i not purposely wat...the music there is god damn loud loh...n i'm standing beside the bloody sub-woofer...think it's a few times bigger than jin wei's...going deaf...the vibration is so much,tt u can c the water n the glasses dancing...i drop my glasses a few times becos of the vibrations...then can't actually hear wat others talking,n they cannot hear me too...so it's realli a troublesome thing to communicate...making me fed-up,but just try to control...n the corner i'm standing the first night is damn squeezy,ppl wanna use my basin have to squeeze in with me...the whole bar is possible to squeeze onli 12 person,where all of them can't even move or turn...but at most of the time there r more than 6 person squeezing there...ah!!! crazy...the place is damn dark,my onli light resource is the fucking light beside the basin,but the light also blink like the disco light,sometimes turn off,have to whack him up...haiz...the rubbish bin is beside me,everybody seems like throwing rubbish at me...got a few times i feel tissue paper throwing on my head n bounce into the bin...n noone is saying sorry,perhaps i can't hear...bottles r throwed in,n the shattered piece always fly out,cut my hand twice...arghhh....nvm...T_T...
Second night better,stay at bar A...they say more tough leh...but i dun think so,brighter there,more babes to c...n is further away from the sub-woofer,got space for me to dance somemore...haha...ok la,basically the ppl there r quite friendly...the supervisor seems to be ok,n from SHATEC too,the captain there is a encik,like csm age like tt...also quite friendly...willing to teach,n not angry when i have mistakes...erm...n the senior there also not bad...got 1 senior call kelvin lim,i call him information counter...haha,first day i go there saw him,he start to tell me which gal attach,which gal married,which gal lesbian,which gal got potential...haha without me asking...wtf...n i know,my teacher,Joan,is married...look like at least 25,but she say she's 20...noone believe man...but alright la...treat me quite good,but personality wise,i dun think i'm interested...then got one gal call xin ling,wow...this one is good...abit quiet,abit shy,but very caring...like irene la,i dun talk to her,she won't talk to me...but she try la...ask me how old,wat i'm doing all this...wasted...too noisy there...if got chance realli wanna chat with her...kelvin say she les leh...aghh,dunno la...cannot be friend meh...erm,she's beautiful,short hair,n like to smile...shy shy type....hehehe...also quite tall neh,slim slim one...hehe my type...hoho...was thinking...bloody hell,i'm there to work loh...arghh...dun anticipate,dun analyse,dun guess,dun imagine...but i still imagine...fuck up...
Ha, in the end i'm still a man...n i'm single...but since i'm a human,i have to control all my desire to a certain extend...now,work come first...there r plenty of gals around me....there r all type of ways tt i will know my next one...therefore just leave it first...work hard on my future...work like dog...everytime when i go for break,i realli wonders,y am i here,y r all these fatigue in me...cos i nvr study,i dun have a degree...watever...perhaps it's true...but i believe in knowledge,not certifications...i'm born a entrepreuner,so knowledge n skills r definately important to me...i think alot...when i come to one thing,for example,learning the drinks in bar,i put my 100% focus on it...no matter how tired,tt time i'm totally awake n fresh...but of cos,my energy will be wipe off bit by bit,i can stay full focus for 3-4 hours,then i will take a deep breath,relax my mind n focus again,last another 1-2 hours,n then again...till i going to give up...i will normally have a break...sitting down there,stare into the blank...wow,lost...i know i look like a idiot then,but i can hear someone telling me,"wa,cannot take it liao...i wanna go home...still got how long more to go,i can't make it liao..."i will straight away say,"fuck off" no matter how hard,how tough,i will go through it...haha till now i'm still surviving...as long i wan to,i may fail,but i will nvr give up...felt tt he is reckoning my will,but i will not let go...definately...
Haha,been raining in the midnight for the past few days...yesterday,after work,jin wei call me out again...wa lau,after work i almost fall dead,still wanna call me out...haiz,ok loh, eat breakfast with him ba...go my house there,he say he dun wanna walk too far,so he wanna go orchard c got things to eat anot...5 plus leh,hotel breakfast also haven't prepare yet...then he decided to go a place to eat...Changi Airport...wa!!!!he mad one la!!!rather drive so far then walk abit more...crazy fellow...nvm,i always so steady one...go there eat mac donald,cos i told him,i dun wan him to always treat me....make me pai seh...eat cheap la...then he start to pshyco me to play game with him...think he damn boring la...told him i quit playing game already...watch movie also quit liao,onli watch a few comic every week...but he insist loh...try to say a 6 year old boy also can play well the first time ah watever...okok,just play la...he gonna pay it for this,cos i realli left with no money already...go peninsular plaza...haiz...play c&c,3 games...first time i cannot make it,2nd time manage to win...3rd time i even win him in statistic neh...haha think i got talent la...come on,i'm a game player last time too...hehe...till the last part,we r searching the surviver on the map...think onli left with a small building,tt's y can't even c...so go search search....then i fell asleep...cb...i'm so tired loh...n it's boring to search for tt kind of small thing...knowing i will win for sure,so no excitement,tt's y...haiz...finally found it,spend less than 2 second to finish it off...yeah...go home go home....then he say he hungry,go eat again...hougang...wah....okok....eat liao go home,then he say wanna go jurong somemore...ah!!!i cannot already...ya i still can move on,but there's no point to make myself suffer loh...then he drive me home...finally,i can sleep...haiz....sleep 5 hours,force myself up again...got things to do la...but surprisingly,not tt tired though...erm...think it's time to sleep liao...i shouldn't have any human clock in me,i can sleep when i wan...to be flexible la,tml, got another interview...hope this one can suit my plan well...nights...

Chapter XLVIII: Rotting Apple(Part 10-Ah Pek & Ah Beng)

2007-07-20T08:15:00.000-07:00

Haha,again...reach home at this time...Where did i go?i left home at ard 11+ i think...haha went out with jin wei la...now i know wat is 'dou feng'...sit his car untill i wanna vomit...haiz...today actually not much to say,i mean yesterday,cos i wake at 4pm...dunno wat to do,so bring bengo to pet shop,then go have some food then send resume,got a few i haven't send one...n found tt,alot of restaurants did exist,but dun have their personal website...so decide,maybe later go down personally to ask them whether they need ppl...must find a job first,if not i dunno eat wat liao...stress...
Then back to the night...first we go mustafa do some shopping...i mean he do some shopping...buy a few dvd...erm,he say he spend not enough,then go look for lighters...haha i know quite abit about lighters,so i help him choose loh...ah,choose a cheap n not bad looking one...then still not enough,then go buy some things for his car b4 leaving...haiz...dunno how he spend leh...-_-"then sit his car go blow wind...erm...start to have a thinking liao..nowadays hor,alot of ppl say i look like ah pek(old man) leh...the way i talk,more n more long winded liao...somemore i have a ah pek dog...ah pek like to have tt kind of dogs one...wild dogs...but all the while i give a impression of ah beng leh...(gangster)haha n jin wei look like a ah pek...toyota altis...he can have a better sports car or wat one...but y he use tt one?cos when speeding will be safer,plus go meet client look more mature...but inside hor,got alot of sound system,he speed tt time like to win other car...his car got add on alot of things one loh...although is legal,but still can win alot of cars tt is better one..his attitude is also like a ah beng...sometimes felt tt he dun realli know how to control his temper la...haiz...so outside i look like ah beng,he look like ah pek,inside is opposite...tt's y can click with him...haha...
We went all the way to east coast to eat....damn far loh...but he got car ma...haha...intro me to a restaurant,not bad la...then go east coast park sit down talk cock n drink water...perrier...wtf...then suddenly wanna go scarlet hotel...i last time work there...he wanna do some market research...erm,then i wanna go gallery...finally know where it is...eve work there b4...he work there b4...erm....ic look like tt one ah...then guess we go where?jurong bird park...wa!!!he siao one la...from center go east,then from east go center,then now wanna go west...wa....sit untill wanna vomite...open the window,then on the speaker damn loud...chao ah beng...go jurong there on top the hill...chat chat,then he fall asleep...haiz...then i one person sit there...like idiot...then think alot of things...
How i wish i got a car,got a gf like he have...i can bring her to this place n look at the scenery...hoho...realli nice...very high up there...the wind very good...hear him say,here alot of couple come here do things one...hehe,no la,i'm thinking of the serious thing....having the temptation to realli play around with gals...fuck care...just for the fun...dun realli have to put feelings...i maybe happier...but...it's not fair to others...dun talk about my past relationship fair anot...been trying to talk to her about it...alot of things i nvr do or think tt way,but she just say i did it,assume i think tt way...i nvr accuse her b4,but she think so...haiz...ya,seriously dun think it's possible to argue with her about this,n it's pointless also...difficult to find fairness in this relationship...but so?i know she realli put in alot,but did she know i nvr put in lesser for her?dun compare how much...cannot be measured...but y can she say cut off just like tt?after break off can totally have no feelings?how many times she's crying n hugging him?how many times i hugging my bolster n said sorry n cry till morning?i dun dare to guess,n it's pointless...gals realli ah,can just cut off all feelings over night?y can't i?i felt tt my way is more than reasonable,cos i'm human,maybe for 4 months so long is becos i'm emotionally weak,but i cannot be like her,just one night...not saying she's inhuman,i'm thinking,issit all gals r like tt?if realli all gals r like tt,should i put in so much for the next one?i dun mean i'm going to put to guys la,cb...totalli turn off,but y gals like tt ah?or should i learn to be so?haiz...i am who i am...for the next one,i will still put in all,but i know,if anything happened,i will not have this pain so long...now,i'm not sad,just curious...n abit lonely...erm...awhile can liao,let me be so emotional....
Ha,after all this,just wake tt guy up n go...he say very cold,going to sick liao....diaozzz?y nowadays ppl so easy sick ah?at g/h how many ppl sick,alot of my friends also sick,rong also sick liao...wtf...i so long nvr sick le leh...actually got...for alot of times plus very long...but i still work like normal,cos i dun work mean no money,dun work but got schedule will make my reputation drop,plus where i get money for doctor man...haiz...so even i'm sick i dun look like i'm sick anymore...haha...good...nowadays,cannot sleep more than 2 hours,if not very difficult to wake leh...use to it liao...if sleep more than 2 hours i dunno will sleep how many hours,like yesterday loh...sleep 12 hours...haha...anyway,my holiday consider finish liao...tonight working...hoho...need to find more jobs liao...my take home income must reach 2k,if not,won't die,but will be troublesome...erm...tired liao...rest ba...tonight,will be a busy night...
Aiya,should i cut my hair?n i'm so heaty,pimples out break...die liao...like tt very difficult for me to find mei mei leh...erm,should i cut...like mushroom liao...erm...sleep first then say,haha....now who's the ah beng,who's the ah pek...hoho...

Chapter XLVII Rotting Apple(Part 9)

2007-07-19T03:46:00.000-07:00

Erm~~~today very meaningful neh...y neh...i think alot of things right leh...last time just after tt case,i always kanna stuck...in g/h always no time to communicate n think...now...think in my room...door locked...but felt tt my brain think much further away from this 5-angle room...can say i always spend more time on thinking...y i nvr kanna the end of PPD n die leh?PPD can kill de leh...but i nvr leh...cos i got another gift,imagination...i think of the future...i know most probably won't happen after i imagine finish...but when i'm imagining,it's like will sure happen like tt...so happi...then think again...so this is wat i wan...then work hard for it loh...ya so easy,so simple,when things change i change my imagination again loh...erm...like tt also not bad de ma...the importance of day dream...haha...
Send bengo back to eve's house...haiz...everytime meet her sure quarrel de...dun wan le la...so give her bengo then faster go...go to the coffee shop we last time always go one...tok to the servers there...haha long time no c...everybody say i skinny liao...wa kao...if they were me, maybe they also...haha sit down have a coffee n food...haiz,alot of memories loh,close my eyes,open again,can remember all the table settings there...change alot...remember one person...Li Hui Ching...i call her ah ching la...from ipoh one...erm...a gal tt is my dream gal type also...haha...she ah...we always sit there talk cock de ma...she's gone...'ah ching eh,u know after u go,how many things happened ma?'haiz...she totally out of my life...think at australia now ba...maybe married liao also...haha...she's not young le...3 year older...how i wish we can be like the past,sit there when u after work,we just talk,no stress,nothing....just say wat we wan...haha...after tt walk the same route to 170 busstop...i always walk like tt after i send eve home...it's the last bus...then take 66 back home...
After awhile,eve called...wtf...huh?call me go back take back bengo...her mum dun wan...then i say it's their own fuck problem la...u dun wan then leave bengo on the street loh...fuck...then hang up...erm...aiya my heart so soft...call back...'ay u put him on the street already anot?i go back take now...'first...it's really not fair for him...i know,if i have him things will be much easier...they all 2 hor...100+100=200...they all is x...i can go crazy with 2,but one is much easier...so wat if eve say her mum also dun wan ebi...ha,it's ur own fuck problem...i give u the dog it's ur responsibility loh...since u wan...out of my problem liao...relationship onli bring u more weak points...now i cut so many liao...i'm not inhuman,i'm not machine...but for some situation,u need sacrifices to make things for others better...if my little sacrifices for bengo will make eve better,her mum better,my lonliness lesser,n more time n attention for bengo...think the sacrifices r alright...just like,my life for alot of ppl's life,maybe ok i think also...depends la...also tot of this,a difference between a conquror n king...one will think he have to change into a inhuman creature tt onli he can win...become no sense of feelings,no family,no friends,no lover,he can sacrifice any of these for his victory,his world...another will think,he need some sacrifices for other's benefits...as small sacrifices as possible for as big benefit as possible...some sacrifices he may feel pain,he may cry...but after wiping off he must make another cruel decision for the benefit...for himself first,cos he will share it with others as much as possible...so...who will think the first way,who will think the second one?hehe make a guess...
After tt,talk cock with eve...c her current situation...huh?she dun wanna become air stewardess liao...wanna become police...wtf!!!! shock the shit out of me...haha good luck ba...erm...think she mature enough to think...good luck ba...then stuck at bukit timah for more than an hour...no cab wanna take us...so sad...raining heavier somemore...bengo shiver like hell...he now my son liao...onli left...hug him,n console him...call cleo pets,sheena say no transport for today liao...wth...sian..how?then call jin wei to come down save me....lucky he nothing to do...wahaha...sit there wait dunno how long...he realli very cold n scare of cars...be brave boy...i'm here...finally he come...haiz...bengo drip saliva n vomit when he sit car leh...very troublesome...but...he's my son...then meet clarisse n jin wei for coffee,they all from g/h de leh...then go home rest...ah,a good news...my rotting apple episode only will reach part 10 liao...haha...friday go zouk work...yeah...remember bro call also...erm...dunno la...finally...things clear alot liao...go eat come back,eve got somethings to tell me...ask me alot of things la...dunno y...she goes back to the one 1 year plus ago...erm...good luck ba...erm...someone accuse me...having an affair with her when i'm with eve...got abit lost control...but immediately knows y...it's becos the memories...these r my treasure...actually doesn't matter anymore...but,dun wanna anyone to pollute it...but eve ah...u can believe her ma?i know the ans...but forget it...it's clear whether i have tt affair anot...so didn't bother liao...
Chat with qin just now...missed her...tell her wat i'm thinking around 2 years ago...erm...but make it clear,it's past...ya now still abit miss her...if she now break liao,then be with me can i accept?i will try to...but best not...dun wan to have weak point now...i can't realli strive up if i have this relationship,cos for my gf,my wife...nothing can exchange her...so as long i have a real gf now,i will get stuck,unless,she's willing to wait for me to complete my task,if not,dun waste each other's time...
Things seems to be ok liao...left with this sloth in me...erm...lazy...engine dun wanna start...slack too long liao...tml...i will start it...hehe ya,didn't run these few days...got reason hor...cos my right leg injured...if i realli force hor,realli pointless...maybe tml or sat ba...within this week...time's still running neh...not much time to waste actualli...night...

Chapter XLVI: Rotting Apple(Part 8)

2007-07-18T03:35:00.000-07:00

Haha another day rotting...sian...ok la...bring bengo out,since it's the last day liao...haiz...hope she realli will give u all happiness ba...funny feeling right?putting the happiness of ur loved ones on other's hand...i....haiz...say wat also no use...cos alot of times i'm choiceless...n if i say wat i have to say,she,or they all will say i lying again...nvm it's fine...growing up,will realli make u have lesser friend liao...haha,somemore i choose this,even lesser...having lesser friend in another point of view is lesser weakness...lesser thing for me to care...ya...i'm blending in,all of u may think tt i'm a fucker,but remember the days...ting,remember then?wat happened?u dun even know when i refer to...but i still remember,ah nvm...i'm tt person...i nvr change...eve,u still remember tt night?which night neh?haha i'm just talking to myself...all these sweetness r true,all the while i still have the love,but in alot of different ways n angle tt u can't c...u r the closest,so u can c my change...it's just appearance,but my heart is still tt me...rong,u still remember those days?ah...think u still can clearly remembered...my heart didn't change also...shiman,can u remember those days?wat i said to u,i realli mean it...i didn't change...realli...zhe,i may lie in front of u about some stuffs,but i didn't lie to u,just forget to explain...often,we use our brains to interact,i enjoy it when i know there is another 'creature' tt thinks so much alike with me...in brain wise i improve also...we often learn from each other...keke,but my heart,u c my heart tt time,not my brain onli...i didn't change...i'm just blending in...i will come back to myself once i reach my target...trust me...n hope all of u guys,happy...take care...all my "friends"...

Come back...today go interview at Zouk for bartender post...hoho...most probably can...dunno la...find as many lobang as possible at this point of time...so at least can have some income b4 'it' starts...dunno will start anot also...haha...nvm...just be positive n work hard...
Meet clarisse after tt...go eat...she always cannot make up her mind on...dunno la...auntie...think she going to become les liao...haiz...die...not my problem also la...not interested...hehe...then go find a ah neh friend at little india...haha my buddy...although often dunno wat he talking...haha nvm...then go back home rest awhile...wa...today god damn hot...bengo last day liao...haiz...after tt,online chat with these 2 gal...wth...kanna niam keng like tt...haha sorry ah..everytime c them send a msg liao,i think already,then wanna reply tt time second msg coming...haiz,nvm...think they more talkative online then me...haha...but i realli apreciate their heart....thanx...
Know a friend kanna jail 3 years...y?dun say better,personal image...haiz...he got disease leh...english call PPD...PostPartum Depression...go check wat is these online...c the symptoms...haha 63.24% city ppl may have this disease... a depression...erm?no need c doctor also know...i have it...alot of ppl around me have it too...erm...my tt friend ah...have the disease yet same judgement...if one day i becos of the disease do something wrong n kanna charge,i will still face it,cos i choose not to c doctor...ppl having this problems often won't go c doctor one...cos need go woodbridge...actually i know i have this disease long time ago liao...but i dun care...i will use my own strength to fight it...eve remember ma?told u,b4 u go crazy,just leave me...i mean this...u got it too u know?guess u may know also...just let go wat ever it's in the past...things will be easier...this is one of the solution i found...cos of this disease,inner stress plus external stress...inner one,must eat medicine then can cure,external one,as long u no trust u will nvr be cure...i nvr c doc,so i must cure myself...b4 i realli did something god damn wrong...b4 ns tt time i already have this problem liao...ever since tt thing happened,i guess i got it already...compare to then,i'm doing much better after ns...till tt time,i start to lost hold,n when tt thing happened i lost it...gone fuck...now...back to normal...who knows when i will be gone again...n do something tt will nvr be recovered?first,dun hold ur grude,wat is past is past,like wat i said...(wrath)second,everbody have their gift when they r born,even the handicapped...make use of it...(sloth)third,everybody has needs,but how do u control it matters...use it properly...(lust)fourth,get enough is enough,somethings cannot get enough,dun force over ur ability...(greed)fifth,we r humans,we cry,we maybe useless at times,even for guys,let go of tt ego n rest...rest is the way to make u walk longer...(pride)sixth,somethings ppl have u may not have it...it's fine de...treasure wat u have instead thinking on how can u get it from him...
(envy)Last,everything has it's good n bad side...dun over do it...think n plan alone is good,too much u will onli get crazy...blaming urself is good in some sense,but not over do it...stress is good,dun over stress...(gluttony) 7 deadly sins written in the bible...but i know,as long as u know how to settle all these shit in ur heart,life will be much easier...u won't go hay wire like my friend...since everyone have the possiblity of having tt disease,in fact i can c all my "friends" have...so...take care ya...i can't help much...haiz...think everyone gonna fuck me up after i say this,but it's the fact ma...if u dun wanna kanna these,then go to the country side n live la,we r humans leh...haha...
Recently always say about god neh...think tt auntie influence me liao...but no matter how she psyhco i still a free thinker...cos,i cannot confirm there is god...but i always say,if there is,n i'm not interested whether there is anot...i trust myself...n my path...i'm just interested about the stories in the bible n stuffs....surprise she's still a christian after toking to me for so long...haha she's christian since young ma...haha,good for her ba...faithful gal...but too bad,i dun like les...

Chapter XLV: Rotting Apple(Part 7)

2007-07-17T03:52:00.000-07:00

Today is a sad n meaningful n dunno wat the fuck day...first,talk about tt matter...cos had a habit to read others blog b4 writing...this is the wtf matter...
Know my english onli up to 'o' level n onli d7...no need to go copy from the internet dictionary then paste in ur blog la...(i know u won't be stupid till copy from the book)haiz...purposely use my weak point to suan me right....nb...nvm...do i ever care for u anot?did i ever pamper u anot?

–verb (used without object)

7. to be concerned or solicitous; have thought or regard.

–verb (used with object)

1. to treat or gratify with extreme or excessive indulgence, kindness, or care.

First, i know very basically,u can't realli climb in this world if u will go mad after hearing some names... even can,u will often be not happy...this is the very basic i know... ever told u 2 years ago... ur temper will be ur greatest weak point... y i tell u this? dun i concern or had thought for u? from the day i meet u with jer,how many times i make u happy?knowing i eat tt thing will lao sai untill jia lat jia lat,but y i still eat?hoping my stupidness will at least exchange a smile from u...from the day we meet...till we r today...how many times u burst?how many ppl had already told u tt u r not correct?eileen,bao zhu,did they?jer may be abit wat at sometimes la,but did he told u tt u r wrong too?i dunno la,but even not,i will still stand firm...changing individual temper maybe hard,i've been through myself,not easy...everyone has temper,but wat take u so long?just do this,take a deep breath n ask y r u so pissed...becos of the past?keke wat is past is past...hatred can't solve a shit,onli make u painful...y not let go?u burst,anyone will give a damn?i'm sorried n afraid tt u will cry again...but i know...ting,u r not a small gal liao...can dun always be like tt?when i'm down,i may not realli helped u,when i'm up,i won't wan u to be down...u too,dun feel my tt,er-hum,'brotherly' love ma?haiz...fine,up to u...ade tt problem i'm sorried too,but i shouldn't be the one tt tells u right?n should i be the one tt be fucked by u?ur anger lies on y as a friend she nvr tell u her problem,correct?then should i be the one tt get those scoldings?dunno...n this matter,i should get scoldings,i should say sorry,but dun u think u very different from others?try saying anybody's name or anything u wan,c will i burst anot?u can call eve's name,or whoever tt i regret treasuring,or tell me wat they doing on bed...dun think i will burst,cos i imagine tt everyday n use it to control my grief n hatred.... wat is past is past... every body have things tt they mind ppl mentioning it or gossiping it... but wat does it matter? ppl scold my mother i also can laugh... does it matter? i speak her name or say any other thing tt is not pleasant to u,does it matter? seriously,if u r not like tt jer will do anything? i know ur stomach pain,but should i be the one tt care for u tt much where ur bf is down there?haiz...dunno la...pls give comment if u think i'm wrong...u wanna call me n fuck me also can,u wanna come find me n slap me also can...i dun mind if u wanna tell me i'm wrong,with a logical reason...n of cos i will say thank u to u...cos i know my mistake n i can change...this is wat i learn... think carefully,everybody tt cares ur feeling n pamper u... always dote u,avoiding wat u hate n giving wat u wan,issit realli fine anot? but if u realli pissed with me,if u realli wanna give up on our friendship.....erm...it's ok de...just hope tt u will be doing fine in the future...hope tt u n jer won't have tt kind of super big quarrel anymore...small one is fine la...haha...i truthfully,sincerely wish tt...u all to be happy...after knowing me for so long...u have good memories ba,u should know how a person am i...look back into those memories...when crisis land on u,wat am i doing?no need tell others...think urself...doesn't matter anybody say i act wei da or hyprocrite,this is it...this is my heart,my truth...think urself...no matter wat happened,my name is in ur contact list....(erm i hope so ba...)i will be there for u,till i'm gone...

Ah....talk about sad thing....ok get ready ur phone to call me n fuck me up...erm..........................i gave my dogs to my ex-gf,eve................... haiz...ya curse me,fuck me...watever....reason for giving them away...1st,i live in hdb,those 2 cannot be license...it's illegal...if they kanna caught,will be send to spca,n i will get fined...plus noone take them for 3 months,they will be killed...2nd,they bark n stinks,ppl r complaining liao...make me scare i will c police when i go home....3rd,i need to earn money for my family n myself n them...the hours i left,i can't bring them out often....4th,if my grandma pass away,where can they go?i know these problems long time ago,if u follow my blog la,but i fucking make tt mistake again...i didn't face the fact...ccb...cos i she bu de they all...i'm selfish...my fault again...they realli give me lots of memories...tt's the onli reason y i dun wan them to go...but just as i think i passed the god's test,i failed today...cos i didn't make the decision immediately...fuck right?but lucky i still make the decision...scared...everytime i think i'm strong n mature enough liao,i will kanna test de....got so many fucking coincidence ma?haiz...so scared...but i'm ok liao...bring it on...i have the self-esteem again...come on,u fucking cb...i dun scare...

Meaningfull neh...haha today learn alot from sheena too...alot from uncle david also...when the time is right liao,realli wanna find him to be my master....these r my masters...thanx alot...now still chatting with clarisse,she also inspire me man...life indeed a learning process...another point of view which i know,but didn't realli think of it too much on myself de...i always c on how others learn...didn't think it on myself...getting into so much problems,i learn le ba...haha thanx...tml,another day to move on le...sleep ba...

Chapter XLIV: Rotting Apple(Part 6)

2007-07-16T01:58:00.000-07:00

Often wonders...is there realli god anot?if there is,seriously loh...from young god been pampering me...he always give me wat i wan...i wan rain,he give me rain,i wan sunshine,he give me sunshine...like telling me,no matter wat i choose,he will give me...but it's my choice,n not to regret...wat am i to him?i was ever lost,n think,wat type of gals i wan...seen alot of types of gals...sluts,bitches,good gal,fat gal,'motherly' gal...alot la...these kind of gals appear in my life when i ask,wat if i am with this kind of gal...funny...just like he knows wat i think...when i was thinking,give me a gal tt look abit bitchy bitchy de,but actually is opposite in personality,n is realli willing to commit to his bf de...knows how to fight,very clever till can challenge me de...single eye lid de,tall tall de,n mix blood de...of cos must be quite beautiful la...haha...guess who comes?think ppl reading this should know ba...i realli think like tt,n she realli comes...when i was too weak,n dunno wat to do tt time...i get a great fall...n alot of fall just come after tt...ya sometimes i felt tt i'm damn sway,but another point of view...this is the only way to let me stand up again....force me to the extreme with no other choice...n i will stand up again...spoon feeding me will not help me in anyway....not knowing how to treasure,he will let me lost ppl tt is ever most important to me...now,i regret,will they come back?a feeling is impossible,n in my heart also felt tt,come back liao also will not be so close as ever le...i onli wish one thing,pls help them like how u help me...pls...sometimes ppl need to get whack then will wake up one...just like me...now,i'm lost again,haha not in the sense which way i'm going,n is wat type of gals i wan for the rest of my life...erm...the criterial very funny...dun laugh orh...must know how to dance de,skinny,but abit bit more meat than her...not too tall like her,not too short like miss chandra...hehe...white white de...like her la...must be super faithful to me de...must be super willing to commit to me de,like her la...must know or at least very willing to learn the languages n dialects i know de...must be kind n totfull n patient...must be very soft(wen rou),but willing to bring out anything tt she felt tt i do wrong at tt very moment de...must be very crazy like me at times,but very sweet like me (-_-""")at times de...must treasure me de...must be very cute n cheerful at times,n very mature at times also de....another thing very important de...she cannot affect my 3 things...my career,my family n friends...therefore,there must be extreme trust n honesty...me,i will definately show trust n honesty...erm...this can say after so long,the most perfect gal i can think of liao ba...erm...of cos,the appearance must be....orh hohoho!!! tt one ah....haha...let's c...wat happened today...
Reach home at 6 plus this morning...nearly 8 then sleep...aiya,told myself dun sleep too much liao,in the end 12 then wake up...wake by jin wei somemore...call me out for lunch n kopi...then ok loh...meet up with him,then go for lunch at market,then go around n talk about g/h matter...he is the one tt intro me to g/h...haha indeed,there is alot of memories there in me ah...cannot finish talking about it de....but too bad,it's memories le...i know one day i will leave,but wat can i do?do i treasure the ppl there?ya,but dun think much of them treasure me...haha politics gao gao...most probably alot of ppl still dun trust me,some still lost,whether to trust me anot...but i heard from daddy say he heard ppl say i very innocent...for nothing kanna this kind of things...but,keke,think it's his way to comfort me ba...forget it...i try my best to help them le...n i will treasure this memories till i lost them...
Then after tt go sim lim...think i saw hui fen there...erm...dunno....then chat with him alot about using of money....cos i c the way he use money realli,make ppl envy n jealous...but i also worried for him...haha,he knows,n his new gf is controlling him like siao,but he already make it a habit liao...slowly loh....erm hope he has a good gf this time...cos,he is someone tt is very pure in relationship de,those who knows him well should know la...haha...haiz...one blink eye 2 years liao...down there go a few rounds,look a few things then go far east...sit down la kopi,then the real problem comes...
Was lost these few days on which way am i going,finally yesterday make a decision liao...finally got strong self esteem liao...very confident of my principle,my way,my memories...wat i can remember,all r true,my truth...noone can move them,this is my life...promise myself,going to use my brain n my heart,to continue this path,treasure n protect everything,till they vanish...so sure of this b4 i sleep yesterday...then when meet jin wei tt time,he tell me something...think tt is one of the main purpose y he find me...he is one of the person tt look highly on me...erm...he give me something,something i realli need,n wanted last time...but huge pressure will sure fall on me...do u have the self-esteem to take it?this is just like a question ask by god...keke again,in my life...of cos,i accept this challenge...i have confident in me...showing me alot of things after tt...go sight seeing...haha...ask him,how fast u going to go?he said,asap....haha hope this is a true opportunity,dun dua me again...but b4 tt i need a job ma...so ask him his company need ppl to peng ba gua anot...think have ba...haven't confirm...hehe the pay not bad leh...the faster i am the more i earn leh...if i can work at his speed for 8 hours,hohoho...think can get more than g/h work double everyday...hohoho...i wanna peng ba gua!!!tml maybe will meet him again for more,but need bring ebi go sterilise n bengo for vacination first...tu so long liao...finally....hoho...
I chosen this path...a path where few can realli survive n not giving up...i decide,like i say,a king won't have jokes...i mean it...i'm tired now...but,i will nvr lie down...i will move on n be strong,cos if i lie down,who can they lie on?i'm the last,youngest...whether i'm extra anot,i dun matter anymore...i'm given so much,just as i said the god pampers me...so all this tt was given,i will put it to good use,not to disappoint mum,sis,bro,dad,n one year ago tt 'her'...

Chapter XLIII: Rotting Apple(Part 5)

2007-07-15T06:23:00.000-07:00

I dreamt,she ask me:"wat is the most important thing to u..." dunno wat happened...can't remembered...i made her mad...everyone was around there,dunno y...aiya it's a dream la,how i know...i just felt tt her hatred is very horrible...can feel it just looking in her eyes...i forced a fake smile,n said:"i pity u tt,u realli knows nothing about me...the most important thing in my life had already gone...it's u,n all of u..."dunno wat happened after tt,realli havoc,then i wake up...this is a dream i had a few weeks ago,while i'm still working at g/h...y suddenly think about this?cos i had a same dream this morning,or yesterday morning,but my answer is so different...i said,"i pity u for knowing nothing...to me,nothing is not important..."but this time round noone's around...but very clearly,i can remember this part...haha funny dream ah?erm...seriously,nothing is not important to me,everything will vanish one day,but as long as i could,i will try my best to protect n treasure ba...my friends,my family,money,time,alot la...haiz...so how rotten is today...
Wake up at 11,go eat...hehe this time is prawn noodles...ah,memories again...fuck,just eat...nothing special this time...then go pet shop find sheena talk cock...actually got meet delvin de,but he last min say traffic jam,n he meeting his gf,so cancel loh...nvm la...next time ba...then go back pet shop stone for 3 hours...no la,tok cock with sheena...first time,someone point out so much mistakes in me,teach me,n i think alot...one of the subject is about self-esteem...am i confident of wat i'm doing anot...my principle,my way...seriously,i'm noone,i'm a newbie in the society,how can i be confident?thinking for dunno how long,cannot decide...n which path i'm taking,i also cannot decide...haiz...but the problems in front now,i in fact have some ideas on how i'm going to settle...trying my best la...
Then after tt,play with my dogs for awhile,then go bath,then go yishun...promise mum to go back eat de...sit inside sis room,watch Boa's mtv...haha long time nvr watch at this liao...still admire her alot...haha...after tt,9 plus meet ting n jer...sit there talk cock dunno how long...play abit of psp,then walk to maccafe...then sit at the play ground beside,wonder y i can like someone so much tt time...a person i dun realli understand her habits,ya,she's beautiful,n pretty sexy somemore...but tt one is appearance onli ma...wat i like is her character n her heart la...she's kind,soft,patient,n mature in someways la...realli loh...first time in my life tt i regretted not to break my principle,n it should be the last time liao...maybe ba,she's someone i can admire,but most probably won't have a good ending ba...dunno la...everything's too late...no point regretting...even a same scenario happen again,i will not break my principle,i will onli admire her...so no worries...things r clear...
Understand wat sheena say liao...n had chosen a path liao...becos of the past...ever not to make myself suffer so much,but yet love her,in the end was known as making use of her....not to tt extreme ba...erm...so after this lesson,i learn...loving ppl,means,do my best to make them happy...i will make any sacrifices to make them happy,onli condition is the sacrifices is fix to myself...no matter how much,no matter how tough...give them the best i could...so i decided,sleep lesser ba...a king,won't have such things as holidays...
Y i suddenly decide on tt path?becos i pissed someone off...think i lost another friend liao...think she hates me to death liao...i know i'm right...my mouth is mine...onli way to stop is to cut down my head...it's my freedom whether to speak of tt person anot...u can't stop me...i shall care for ur feelings,i shall pamper u...but not untill to this extend...i use my heart to know u,tt's y i tell u this,unless i use my brain to know u,then other way wise...so,since u feel damn fuck up,always have to be like tt,then forget it...must well i leave ur life...hope i didn't leave any unerasable foot prints in ur life...i'm also pissed,so i make a decision liao...tt's it...sleep awhile then wake up ba...haha total spend 1hr 40 mins to walk home from amk...tt's fast...haha...night night,erm i mean morning...

Chapter XLII: Rotting Apple(Part 4)

2007-07-14T03:35:00.000-07:00

Erm....wake up today at 2,then go for lunch....y issit chicken rice again...then go pet shop...took some photos...but no mood to up load....then come back home do some stuff,send some resume...then bring ebi to pet shop again,then bring bengo for a walk then come back...bath, then send resume again...after tt went for a jog...the total route would be for around 6 km...then half way fall out at 4 km...expected,cos i dunno how many donkey years nvr run liao...can run 4 km already good...got feeling wanna fall out at 1 km,but force untill 4 km tt time wan to vomit then i stop....haiz,bo bian...sunday promise myself run again...sunday i quite free...no nowadays i quite free....haiz...fuck up mood...y?y so fuck up?not much reason can spoil my mood la...
After my run,i go coffee shop drink coffee,expected to c someone,but nvr c...nvm loh,enjoy my drink,suddenly a strange feeling came...turn n i saw them all 4...the 4 person tt leave me...erm,wat should i do?smile loh...they like pretend nvr c me....watever...finish my drink then go home...long time nvr one day bath 2 time liao...good,shall keep it up...saw deena online then have a chat...then suddenly someone knock on my door...it's them...wtf...she say she wanna get back the comic...i say i haven't prepare finish leh...y suddenly come?argue abit...then i think,aiya fuck la...since she dun mind the trouble then ok loh...slowly one stack one stack bring for her...but she cannot come into my house...promise not to let them come into my house liao....alot of books missing...some books i bought one...then she ask me,tt time u got money to buy meh?wtf?for the past one year she realli think i'm using her money all the way ah?wtf.....ask shiman,y she didn't even explain to me,wat happened?she fuck me n say, now i'm here to take back her things,i'm not going to explain anythings ok...ccb...ok fine...i finally decide...this is wat i have...believe it anot up to all of u...i dun have to explain,although it's stupid to take a few comics from u while i return most to u n even the ones i bought myself...fine....i can be generous enough to do so...this i all i have,take it or leave it...up to u to decide...the 1200 is 1200...i can give u,not a problem...u think i dun have the capability to give u,fine...i'm going to transfer u....u take it or leave it...my account no. 030-43238-0...if u dun wan just give me back,although i dun think u r tt stupid....by oct i will return u everything...dun believe also up to u...tell u truely,i dun have the guilt tt i owe u the money AT ALL!!!but i just dun wan u to be sad...ebi n bengo u wan u take it,dun wan i got my own way....i dun hate u nor do i love u all anymore...i cut it off...dun care whether u think i just wanna look pitifull anot...up to u...from now on,i will go my way...u still wanna treat me as a friend,i dun have a problem...it's all up to u...fine?ok?happy?sactisfied?none of my problem...i gave u wat i have...cos i felt tt the love i ever put in n u dun feel it,it's my fault...n i dun care wat the fuck u all think...had enough of this already...this is all...ended...next time c me on street still wanna take me as a friend n call me or wat do so,i dun mind having a hi bye friend...but i know it's impossible...
Suddenly,jer call me after i shut the door...talk with him n show all my bu shuang-ness...fuck la...these ppl r not going to move my mood anymore...just remember c watever it's their's just collect n give back...dun fuck care liao...now looking at the comics...wtf...damn messy...tml really must settle it...fuck...my patient has already reach...so enough of it...after talking to jer...now i think...where the hell is the problem...for wat i think right?but i suddenly got a feeling tt something is wrong....after analysing everyone of them...their character...erm....it's regarding jer's question..."do u think u realli understand eve?" put me into this doubt...recall how i feel...it's really a question mark to me y shiman will turn 180 degrees...y zhe will do so....y rong will do so...erm....think carefully...i always felt tt rong is the smartest...but....erm....think carefully again....y do i have this thinking?remember one time,eve is playing chinese chess with me...letting go a horse a cannon a car becos of my experience...she will still lose...but higher chance of winning onli...but rong is beside her teaching her...n in fact i lose...i can win rong,but i nearly lose n i learn not to depend on my experience too much...tt's y i got this thinking tt rong is the smartest...remembered,when i play international chess with eve tt time...i just learn...she too...but y she still win me?becos tt time i dun have experience to relay on,tt's one of the reason...other than tt?she's smart....this is the ans...rong is a person tt take friendship very hard...i ever had a quarrel with him about eve...i wanted to say sorry,but i just hold my pride...eve told me tt he told her i ever said tt she stay at my house is just for me to fuck...this is wat eve told me...issit true?rong didn't confront me...rong is a person tt treasure friendship but will be very cb when the friendship ends...but he's not as petty as tt...so where's the problem?zhe is a person tt is smart n look smarter than how he is...has hidden high ego like jer,but the problem is eve n him know for long time...seriously,i always felt tt i know his character well,but i dun think so sometimes,cos he himself also in a lost...in this point of view,he definately will stand at eve side...shiman,i always felt tt she is the most unbright in them all...n very faithfull towards his bf...this is wat i c...or issit wrong?i dunno...so wat's the conclusion?seems all the love i put in to her,has all turn 180 degree in her mouth...recalling....how she do tt when i say i wanna break with her at the start of 3 months?alot of things she said...how she shivers when she go mad....how she comes back crying tt melt my heart tt time...wat she say when she's 'sleeping'....how she say she wanna revenge on her ex bf....remember one thing,she told me tt she's a much better drinker than me on our final break up...then tt night at ah di's house,she drink realli very little....came back tt time she's so drunk n said so many things...wtf...finally i saw the truth behind...alot of things went wrong...a clever web of lie...no one escape,no one tries...i'm the first to try...cos now i had already cut off everything...cos tt time i said she's the closest,standing behind me...n i mean it...so i can't c anything...now i realli know...good for her to leave me...if my analysation is false,it's also good...but i got confident tt it's true...how about them?they in it...n it's seems so late...a sentence,weak meat,strongs eat...this is the principle in this world,n love breaks it...onli can say whether the love is true n strong enough...i mean the person tt is showing it...i'm not tt strong tt time...but i have faith in u guys....take care man....becos of u all,i get stronger,n smarter....becos of u,i know how to love...thanx....bye...
A clever web of lie....i'm in it too...but now i'm out...n i myself knows how to throw tt web of lies...but becos of my conscious,it's obvious for ppl to break...erm...nvm...conclusion,having a smart gf is dangerous...critical point is how true her heart is...but it's still pretty dangerous,becos love itself will make ppl stupid...lost of logical sense...these ppl r prove,i'm the prove...so next time...find someone with true heart ba...good night...tml,it's gonna be bright...

Chapter XLI: Rotting Apple(Part 3)

2007-07-13T05:42:00.000-07:00

Wa,today i realli rot....noone to meet...just walk around the neighbourhood...dunno y am i eating chicken rice everyday...from long time ago like tt liao...next life going to become chicken liao...haiz...lots of free time...so took extra care for my dogs...bring them out n play...but it's too early,so i bring one by one,if not they will go crazy...then bath for them somemore...n they seems to be more obedient...good loh...love them...keke...wat,not happy ah?haiz...think of tt stupid fat ass again...
Been searching the whole internet...looking for jobs...no rush but i have to make it fast,in order for my plan to go smooth...in the end my plans still have to adjust...not so jia lat la...minimal sacrifices...but when i find the next job,dunno will fit in my plans anot...becos of all this,makes me think even more detail on my next few months even up to a year's plan...cannot have any mistakes man...hopefully...haiz...Was chatting with clarisse n deena just now...then msg erlina also...haiz...damn boring...cos i'm looking up for all restaurants in singapore,then need to do research then send resume....sianz...tok alot with them...about my past relationship n problems i'm facing now...aiya seriously speaking not much of a problem for my past relationships la...friends come n go...although heartache,but tt's the fact...just regret...cos i could do better...but till the end,regret can't bring me anywhere,so i have to move on,yet,remember wat i have done...things basically done liao..wat i could do i have done liao,wat i haven't do i'm going to do it,n it should be very smooth if i follow my plans...like wat zhe says expect the unexpected...in this situation,in this time,nothing can say is unexpected ba...just pay up the money pay up the books,n just fuck off...since they dun wanna c me anymore,it's best i disappear...tt's the best i could do...i will just work hard for my career for now...ya lonely...free go take a glance of the gals online loh...glance onli then forget it...concentrate on work...i got alot of research n work to do...hope i can really cope with all this....
Was thinking...since i'm having a holiday which i always wans,y not i do something more useful then rotting down here?i got so much things to do actualli...wat date issit now...13 july liao...time coming realli soon...if i start training now can i reach it?dun tell me pass,i normally aims higher...at least a silver first ba...200 dollars y not?so,decided...tml night....n i'm cutting down on tt thingy also neh..keke...hope i could get the silver...at least another problem is behind my brain now...

Chapter XL: Rotting Apple(Part 2)

2007-07-12T01:01:00.000-07:00

Been awake at 9 today...say wanna meet erlina to go make her hair...wa damn tired...nvr work also so tired...haiz...this feeling is my emotion again...think alot last night...i still haven't receive the reply from shiman...disappointed again...a person realli can be condemn ah...how many chance i've been given?i dunno...either countless or dun have...dunno...emotion tired again...haiz...dun care,go find erlina...find her at heeren...first time meeting her out alone...dun meet her too much...ppl got bf de...dun wan the same old situation happen again...anyway,i'm just helping her about the work thing n explain how i kanna fired by g/h...
Basically i go toilet 3 times while i waiting there...took almost 3.5 hour ba...highlight onli oso so long...cos her hair damn long la...chat with her awhile,play game awhile...after tt go eat...can't decide wat to eat...walk all the way to far east,then tot of eating at tt restaurant...ade last time work there de...tt sushi tei,but close liao,now become korean restaurant...go there eat loh...quite ex actually...but got alot to eat...eat untill i cannot finish...been talking to her about her financial n relationship problem...financial wise i may not be able to do anything,but i can help her through my net work...relationship...haiz...she has the same problem tt most gals have...she say she didn't regret...but...i regret...haha she say it's my own problem...anyway she gets the ball anot?dunno...was thinking...haiz...heart shaking...not the right time...of cos i will definately hint...but i can observe the outcome...so i didn't do anything...of cos got the urge to try,but it's against my principle...vyn,dun overcome by ur loneliness...put my loneliness aside...look at her...ok de ma...erm...so wat?my principle still stands...put all my emo away...tell her my point of view...n onli one thing tt can solve the problem...have the heart tt eve have...then things will be ok liao...n if her bf realli treasure her...die also will wan her back...but it's risky la,cos most probably other guys will come aiming her...but of cos i explain the reason behind,to let her bf understand how important is her...n dun do tt kind of things...this is wat i think la...eh...dun think anyone who read this part will understand wat i mean ba...haha fuck care...
She also live yishun...alot of ppl i know live yishun sia...haha...she go home rest loh....yesterday sleep so little,promise will help her on her financial thingy de la...then i also go home...on computer...lie on bed then knock out....meeting kenny at 7...haha overslept...faster rush down...ah...the devil...ate kfc with him...wth...i wear untill like tt he wear untill like office man like tt...haha he just finish work...talk cock for very long la...he is the person tt possibly can help erlina de,but he also say very difficult...erm...just call him to help me look out...
Walk home again...today earlier...same path...same old thing in my mind... ................ ..............................emo thingy...suddenly think g/h problem...did i do the right thing?seriously speaking,even cheryl say it's right it's onli at her point of view...to her of cos right...but to me leh?i lost my job now...finding another one not tt difficult,but a good one tt can fit my critirial,difficult...g/h can consider the best liao...wat should i do?ebi n bengo...i realli made the wrong choice tt time to get them...realli...think back 2 years ago...the things in my room...if i was force to move out,i can do it within 3 hours confidently...but now?dunno take me how many days...where can i go?where can they go?even if i wanna leave singapore n work also impossible...how?i make the decision to have so little things 2 years ago is becos i know one day i have to leave,n i have to learn to be independent...eve must be thinking i'm saying rubbish...cos she's the one doing all the things...but i'm serious,even now i'm staying alone i still able to do everything myself...not a problem...getting used liao,cos last time i also having this kind of life,so i know i can do it de...been reading the things she wrote on my blog...again n again...showing tt i nvr love her b4...tt time,when i love her,r all those fake?to me it's real loh,even when i just like her tt time...wanted her to be happy...i dun love her enough...i'm really tt.......fuck up...as a friend,i also.......i failed man...i know...but reading those msg again n again...no matter how many ppl around me think i'm a ok person,thinking i would be a good lover,but getting hated by my ex gf n all the close friend around me to this extend...am i realli ok?i'm not a good guy,but i will try to be...i'm not a good bf,but i will try to be....i'm a fuck up friend,i will try to be good...i will....hold my principle tight,learn my lesson n remind myself everyday...nvr repeat these again...learn all these...i know one thing...all my love i showed to them...they dun feel it at all...especially eve...for tt year...realli dun feel it ah...tt's my heart u know?dun u remember anything?nothing at all ma?just felt tt i'm abusing u,just felt tt i'm ill treating u?tt's all ma?so for the pass one year u realli felt so?how i wish...still could call u tt.......'dear' u know?during tt year,u've always been my dearest?when u all leave me tt time i went crazy wanted to kill u all...in my dreams...repeat n repeat,but no matter which way,when i'm just going to kill u tt time,i stop...so painful...knowing tt year,all the things i do for u,u onli felt tt i'm acting,i'm making use of u...when i say i hate u,do u hear it from ur heart or from ur ears?definately ear ba,if not those msg would not exist,these things would not happen,i will nvr felt.........all these pain...
Seriously speaking,felt something's wrong...with the common sense of the ppl around me...pls dun say i arrogant n proud...i'm just saying my point of view...anyone reading on this blog...problem is....first,g/h matter...y would i,as a part timer,thinking of going into full time tt time,wants to backstab her?she's not outstanding,she's not performing well,she does not have potenital,even her attitude hasn't been right...if i wanna backstab her n get her out of g/h so i will have lesser obstacles,y i choose her?y not other new comers?cheryl n i analyse 5 potential new comers,y i dun choose any of them?unlogical right?even old timers have a few tt can be stab...y i wanna choose this gal?wat if i say,becos these rumour will affect cheryl n the g/h reputation,i'm just trying to help,does it sounds right?
Next,my matter...am i the one should be condemn?i denied so many things...but they still say i'm wrong...i'm trying to look at a more general point of view,they say i'm wrong,nvm,i try to look at their point of view...i admit some things tt i think i maybe wrong n change it into i'm wrong,but the rest they still say i'm wrong...trying to say my life,my principle,my watever r all bullshit,dun use mistake as the word...'unchangable mistakes'trying to say i'm worst then anything,living is just wasting the world's resource...so no matter how much i accept tt's my fault still not enough...onli way out it's death...but tt's my base line,i can't,cos tt definately not fair to my family...isn't it?do u agree,sis?so in the end if they still hold the grudge n wanna revenge on me,i've decide....do wat i can to protect my love ones...tt's wat left...in the end most probably i will fail n depress again...lossing all the love ones,beos of me...n tt time they will be laughing at me,when i finally kill myself...but i will still choose this path...this is the onli way...do my best...go all the way up...no choice liao...think i'm being abit mad liao...i'm just saying,may not be true...just msg her,asking how can i repay,rong say the onli way it's to return her the money n comics...n fuck off from their lives...ya,this is it...if tt's the onli way,of cos i can do it...i dun wan to make them upset anymore...if tt's the way i will definately do it...simple...
Ya,haven't say wat's their common sense problem...y am i still being stress n troubled by this matter?been how long liao?4 months coming up issn't it?y am i still like tt?y am i still crying?y i'm still writing on my blog about this matter everynight?y i still care for their feelings?if i'm acting,will i do so?if i didn't wan to treasure them will i still hope tt time goes back?anybody reading this,tell me by using ur analysation...tell me wat's the reason?i myself,not standing in my point of view analyse this...2 possibilities...first,they r wrong,n trying to push all these fault onto this boy,but this boy realli treasures everything,tt's y he's still like tt....second,this boy did things wrong...he didn't treasure untill everything is too late...but definately he's putting his pride n everything down begging for forgiveness n a chance to change...this r the possibilities...but most probably the second one,these guys hate him to this extend,means something's wrong with him...
Dunno la...talking about some personal problems of kenny's today...he also human,of cos got his problem...not to mention,but come to a topic of themometer n themoset...one is change by the environment,another is change the evironment...primary sch,miss chin already told the whole class this matter already...sure noone remember ba...haha...erm,example,when i go reservist tt time,i finish liao go eat dinner with stamford,then saw this gal at mac donald...not bad la...but i like kanna suck by her...cos army no gals ma... haha...like kenny now...his environment 90% all gals,his standard of chio bu is getting higher liao loh...somemore different ppl different taste...so i say,dun change ur standard becos of environment,sometimes cannot be stop la,but try...u fix ur own standard no matter on work,on gals or on anything...u set the standard...till u can easily reach it,then aim higher...tt's it...so my standard for my next gal will be sky high...not talking about appearance,of cos need also la,but seriously is character n personality...haha
Erm,title abit not suit for today...dun realli rot today...tml how?n how many days more?i'm so scare i write untill part 30 sia...

Chapter XXXIX: Rotting Apple(Part I)

2007-07-11T02:14:00.000-07:00

Today...is my first day jobless for the pass almost 3 months...realli...dunno wat to do...10 plus wake up liao...my poor Presario was singing the whole night...lucky he no throat,cannot sore...wake up use com...then sit untill ass pain,then go back sleep,then sleep untill neck pain then go use com again...repeat dunno how many times liao...then go down find sheena n david,then play need for speed carbon...i sucks at tt...then play untill du lan finally going to win tt time his x box hang...ccb...felt tt i realli born a sway kia...nvm...just a game...then go back home,repeat the same old thing again...
Then really buay da han liao then go novena again...i also dunno wanna go where...then c genki sushi...go eat loh...i one person eat realli quite affordable leh...haha...i still remember eat with eve b4...still remember where we sit n wat conversation we having...but it's at marina square there de...haiz...then msging clarisse n erlina...then decide to meet clarisse...yeah...finally can meet someone liao...hoho...but tt time 7+,wait untill 9 plus then met her...wtf...super gao tu...but she got her project to do ma...wat to do...nvm la...then chat untill 12 then we go home...chat with her alot of things...using my brains to talk to her...know alot of things i dunno de...then b4 she goes,she tell me not to think too much...be a simple human can liao...then i was thinking y i so complicated?y now i feel so stressful?erm...she take bus i walk home,then i use tt time to think....
Wat did i do?i realli hurt her feelings tt much ma?..................i should say yes...no matter how much i feel hurt,i still have to be responsible for the hurt she felt...cos i used to say 'i love u' to her...how can i repay her?is there a way?...........if there is pls tell me can?dun tell me,realli wan me to eat shit in front of her n go give car bang n give her all my insurance money?i can't,cos i still got my family...how can i repay her?...........i realli dunno...y i work so hard?firstly just to repay her the money she say i owe her...if tt can help i realli dun mind giving her...realli...i dun wan her to be angry,sad n filled with hatred...just be happy with wat she have now...treasure wat she have now...love him more than she ever love me...he deserve it more than me...pls...pls be happy...nvr be drown in the sea of hatred...i didn't get through it,cos i'm not tt kind of person...hope he n she isn't also...
Msg shiman just now...i still wanna know wat story i make up,n wat make her felt tt i lie to her...realli wanna know...can't even give me a chance to change ma?this is something no matter how hard i try i still cannot achieve de...unless she tell me...i will explain to her wat i remembered...pls tell me...haiz...clarisse ask me y i keep thinking about the past?my answer is becos i make a mistake...i shall remind myself everyday,not to make this mistake again in the future...cos time cannot turn back...if can i wanna go back 01012006...cos me how much life spend also nvm...i realli wanna change n repay my mistakes...
Heng,lucky today meet clarisse,if not i realli going to become rotten apple liao...tml how?muahaha meeting erlina...hoho finally got time liao...told clarisse on msn...wanna meet erlina worst then meet queen elizabeth...always busy de...then evening meeting kenny tan...talk about some business...k la,say the fact,nothing to hide...macao casino hiring f n b staff... giving out salary of 8000 macao money...kenny say is around 3000 sing...if it's non contract base,i can go there work 3 months then come back wat...i can tell eve to hold my debts till 3 months later i one lump sum give her...then 2nd sgt M i borrow from my mother 1k first return him,then come back return everything loh...9000+ leh...try to spend lesser over there then everything settle liao...maybe i will still encounter n learn somethings over there right?ideal hor?but how about ebi n bengo?i realli dunno sia...so must c how...can't carry out with these plan so easily...haiz...they onli intake 40 ppl...good lobang...dunno la,c how...tired liao...sleep first...today sleep alot sia...haha...my heart's tired le...good night...sing well tonight,Presario...

Chapter XXXVIII: UNCERTAIN MEMORIES

2007-07-10T01:52:00.000-07:00

Ask everyone a question...if one day u found tt all ur memories in ur brain r fake,how would u feel?this is wat i feel now...scared,hopeless...i used to trust my memories...i felt tt i got pretty outstanding memories...but now all seems to be fake...fuck up right?first of all,y r eve they all say i fuck up?say i be with her just to use her father money?i didn't really think so loh...i remember very clearly...y she say i with her i treat her like a dog,making her my free slave?i nvr tot of tt...y she say i owe her 1200,which i still can remember how she spend the money,when she's with me...she says about the ang bao money tt his dad gave him,she say i used it...which i can remember very clearly tt the money we used it together n most of it is she spend one?y she say i wanna break shiman n zhe off n make shiman my gf?n i still can remember very clearly i drawn my line fucking clear tt i will not do such things...n y shiman dun trust me n confirm tt i lie n make up story which i remember fucking clear tt she say if noone trust me in this world she will still trust me?n i recall n recall but i just can't recall i make up any story to HER...
I was always wondering,where is the fucking problem?then today something big happened...ya i am the cb...i backstabbed someone...actualli didn't intend to do so...but just for g/h sake...keke wat a lame reason right?someone spreading rumours in g/h...n she spread to me,n i remember fucking clearly,n i still can recall how she says it on the phone...ya,i feel guilty for backstabbing her...but i hope she could change n dun do this again...tt's my intention...even worst come to worst she kanna fired,i still can stop this rubbish from going all around...but she die also dun admit,n say i'm the one tt spread rumours...confirm i didn't...i remember very clearly...she even says does she have to swear anot...this makes me think...am i the wrong one or is she the wrong one?dun say about i backstab her,say about the fact...she even cried...so...wat if i remembered wrongly?all this r my fault...cheryl give us a chance...if we dun admit,then she will do something...n of cos i know wat thing...prepared liao...so i die also dun admit...i trust myself...so i take off my tie n go...change liao cheryl call me come up...say it's still not too late...wtf...i was thinking,maybe i admit i lie we both can stay...so at least there will be time to change her...but she say wat if even i admit we both still have to go?so?wan me to say the truth right?wat's the truth?i NVR SPREAD THIS FUCKING RUMOUR...she is lying...but still i goes...i dunno she going by when,doesn't matter...i asked cheryl,am i right to backstab her n tell the truth?she say yes,i'm right...then y the fuck i land up here?i realli dunno...if i'm wrong then no matter wat happen i will not tell my superior this kind of things liao...it's their own fuck problem...but y she say i'm right?so,she also thinks tt i say the lie?Y?even elly dun trust me?noone trust me there?then for wat fuck i care for them till this extend?n y the fuck cheryl say i'm right?ok i understand cheryl situation,she fire both of us is of cos,but y is she saying tt i'm right?n y tt gal is not admitting anything?she dun have the heart issit?fuck....onli one conclusion tt will solve everything...from long ago,all my memories r fake...illusion...y can't i remember i have the intention of make using eve?y i can't remember i wanna take away shiman from zhe?y i cannot remember i owe eve the money?y can't i remember tt i make up any story to shiman?y?y can't i remember i told tt gal all the rumours n i onli can remember tt she told me all this?arghhh....ccb...all this r my uncertain memories...no,totally not my memories...so wat i'm having in my head now r all lies?
I'm cb enough to make use of eve's father money,take her as a slave,using all her money like a blood sucker,trying to take shiman away from zhe to make her my gf,n i spread all these rumour to tt gal?so i'm the fucker la?wtf now...so is this the truth?i realli hope tt someone will tell me tt all these r not real...i'm breaking down...i can't even trust myself now...i'm tt fucker tt for nothing backstab tt gal...is this wat u mean?I was so fucking demoralise...lost my soul...went to esplanade there watch sea....wanted to take a photo back but hp low batt...ccb...ya,wat eve say in friendster should be correct...i can't succeed...i'm just a useless fuck...i was thinking...if i have no family wat will i do?call her come my house,call her to take wat ever she wans,n say wat can i do to repay her?want me to eat shit also can,in the end i will go to little india there n walk across the fucking road,so all the insurance money will be hers...i got nothing liao...wanna take wat from me take...i dun fuck care...die liao no need think so much...this is wat i think when i look at the so call sea...wa,y here become like tt...not like last time...i was with eve here ever once...love the sky...also miss the sea side at coasta sand...it's stupid to go there alone man...erm...these memories...
Fuck u...i confirm all these r real...i can remember fucking clear...wat i wear tt day,wat she wear tt day...how we walk,how early it is,y we at coasta sand,becos of wat we sit at the beach kanna bite by mosquitos...i remember very very clear...these r not illusions...ccb,u wan me to lost trust on myself?fuck u la...all these memories r true...i took out the paper of morning ala carte condiments...i seen it once,n i can remember the whole paper,how many paper r there wat is written n drawn on it....which one is i wrote,which one is cheryl wrote...pulling out all my memories...i remember clearly,all r the same from my memories when i look at the paper...think back...how she tell me all the rumours...i can remember very clearly...then bring out all my memories of eve...i can remember,even how i first meet her,how she dress when she first come to my house,i can remember how i know yao rong...when is the first time i saw him...5 years back...zhe,when is the first time i saw him,wat i wear n wat he wears,shiman when i first saw her,wat happened all these while...i all can remember fucking clearly...alot of things i can't pull out cos it's something tt is not important...but there is 7 person in my life i can remember very clearly...eve,yao rong,zhe,shiman,ting,jer,and ade...how i know them,wat happen all the while i can remember fucking clearly...tt's the problem y i get so upset...becos of all these fucking memories,shake also cannot shake off...these r my sin,my retribution is how i missed them now...so u wan me to deny all these memories?haha i wan to,but i can't...
So let analyse wat went wrong...a big big problem with my personality...how i express myself,n how i reach the target tt is righteous to me...first,y she say i wanna use her dad's money tt's y i'm with her...i remember clearly,i told yao rong this...'everybody wanna aim her dad's money,including me...'c? the big problem's here...ya i said this...but wat's my intention?eve cried b4 me n say she upset her dad...her dad must be thinking tt she dunno how to think...so how?in her family onli her 2nd sis is possible of taking the business...but she not tt kind of good person...so at least eve take over her dad's business so her dad will definately felt tt she is capable n will be happy...firstly,her dad will be happy...second she will be capable enough if she can maintain tt business...third,we no need realli care about wat we r going to eat everyday...i dunno wat i will get,i onli aiming a job in the company tt's good enough...i didn't want more...told myself alot of times,her family money is her's,i didn't want to be with her just for her dad's money...this is my intention,but from the way i say it n the way i do it,will anybody trust?keke...very well...
Second,i used her as a slave?i admit it when i had given out scarlet...she should have seen how weak i am tt time...dun tell me she dunno how i feel tt time...other than tt?told her, if she dun wanna wash the clothes just leave it, i will wash sooner or later...but she say no clothes liao...then just wash some of hers first loh...i still have ma...of cos she will wash all...ah my fault again...fuck...the room's dirty,nvm la,i will clean up de...anyway i clean up liao later also messy...y?cos she like to throw her things all around...if u felt tt i'm making use of u then tell me la...just tell me right infront...scold me untill i clear my mind...have to wait till we breaking up then say ma?so in future i will find a fierce gf...i do wrong onli just fuck me right in front of me...dun avoid cos scare we quarrel...ah this problem i realli have my fault la...dun push,i should be more ti tie n xi xing...
Third,say i use the money?i borrowed more than 400 bucks from bernard becos of u, u know?suddenly got money,i say pick it up from the floor u believe ah?ha...fine...i realli dun wanna say all the love tt i gave u loh...i nvr k gao one...cos i always felt tt i nvr love u enough...from my studies,my career,u know it best ba...i nvr regret loving u...lets talk about the 600 ang bao money...we put in money,u put 100 i put 70...ya u put more... so in the end i still can remember the number very nice...777...200+ goes to the ipod...which when u wan tt time i just say ok loh go buy...not say i not heart pain leh...cos not my money...but i take it as our money...we r going to work hard to put in more money...i still can remember how happy u r...how u kissed me...hehe...sweet memories ya?left around 500+then u remember ur tt 4 bra tt cos 400+?left 100+...wait,ur mum got give u 300 right?then put into my account...400+ the rest we use slowly untill we left with less than 200...then u wanna buy ebi...ya...i can say i also wanna buy...we went to spca,pasir ris dog farm...finally found ebi...so desparate for it...we make so many lies to find the money...untill the end my mom n sis borrow loh...600...ebi 650...so how much we left?the most 100+...c?how we use the ang bao money?haha...this is the past le...i still remember y i so scared u use the money tt's y i control u...150 in 2 days u left with 20 bucks...c liao also scared...remember ma?dun think so...but i trust my memories...
Fourth,eve say i wanna make shiman my gf...fuck la...be more confident,u better than her...haha...both got good points la...but i already make it clear liao...i treat her like my bro...love her,still remember how she explain y i treat her so good...cos i no small brother ma...tt's y...then now u say i got tt kind of feelings for u?up to u...my principle stands,anyone with bf i will not think of making her my gf...cos,i know how pain it is,i pity tt guy,n i won't not love anyone tt is not faithful to their bf...no matter how fuck up tt bf is,u break liao then say...after sometime then u think carefully...whether u still love him anot...then we spend more time to understand each other then say...eve u r not wrong la...but u really didn't think of my feelings n go straight with him loh...tt's y u make my balls so pain...nvm,it's ok de...
Fifth...fuck u la...i know y u didn't admit...cos,u don't dare to face ur failure...i lie b4 also...without exact prove i won't admit de...but tt was when my age is onli single digit...dun be childish...i did so many wrong things,i hurt so many ppl....although take me time...but i face my failure...i face the fact...n i'm willing to let my next relationship knows how fuck up i am to my ex gf...nvm if they even meet...if my next gf knows liao dun wanna be with me,fine,i accept it...i'm changing,if u dun wanna give me chance it's fine...i deserve it...change the way i express things...change my style of doing things...i fail n fail,but i will still carry on n get braver...
The sin i've done will nvr be able to repay,unless she accepts...but too bad,dun think it's possible...so sorry...but i still have to move on...as wat i say,i will let everyone knows how i treat u...no problem...i'm so sorry not to treasure u...but i can't die now...n whether i would succeed i also dunno,i will keep on trying...untill my times up...nothing to worry,i'm still living my life to the fullest...
Erm say i will try n try again...but i realli very tired...pulling so much memories out...realli,my memories got limit....alot of things i also cannot remember liao...so tired...let me rest a few days ba...take it as holiday...these few days eat finger can liao...so lonely...haha...

Chapter XXXVII: For Fat-ass

2007-07-08T23:37:00.000-07:00

CCB!!!!am i so fucking lousy at expressing myself?seriously speaking i think yes...can c from the result...y the fuck will she think tt i like her?in a way of bgr?come on la...i maybe desperate tt time...but also must have limit loh...wtf...seriously loh...ya i dun mind to have such someone to start a relationship in appearance wise...still can take it...u r somewhere around ting onli loh...so y didn't i take ting away from jer when their relationship is in tt kind of situation?y?n u think i will take u away from him when u all relation r so good?remember tt time when he overslept n nvr answer ur call,u sit below his blk n cry?wat i did?i help u go up call him down n expect to get fuck by his mum...then wtf?arghhh!!!stupid fat ass...i still tot of leaving u all cos scare he will anyhow think...in the end u anyhow think...ccb...y i nvr leave....u remember u bloody fat ass?U TOLD ME NOT TO GO BECOS OF U!!! i remember this very clearly...fuck la...wat realli happened man...can change u so much...ma chiam magic...my logic starts to break down liao...seems so impossible loh...onli 2 things tt will make it possible...i didn't realli understand u well enough...u changed...but most probably the first one cos a person can't change so much within such a short time,UNLESS something big happened to tt person's emotion tt make her change her point of view... so should be the first one...tell u clear in ur face...i love u just like how i love my sis,my bro,my mum...same as how i love ur bf...in this way of saying can u fucking understand?i'm straight,i'm not gay...get this deep in ur brain...cb...so disappointed...will there be any even more disappointing circumstance tt will come from these ppl?yes...but tt's the last...the others will be expected...
Ah,fine la...i dunno la...i will change la...slowly ok?my next gf i will love her deep deep de...n my friends...i will not fucking say i love them anymore!!!ccb...my fault ok?n now my expectation for my next gf will be sky high ba...high untill cannot find...then u happy?just to confirm with u...u r no where near my expectation...satisfied with the answer le ma?so hope u live happy with ur bf,n leave me for good...bye...

Chapter XXXVI: Immature

2007-07-08T20:11:00.000-07:00

Haha today off...so happy...sleep untill shiok...erm...first must talk about today's title...i did a very immature thing at work last night...peng-jie was the captain...she delicate the job to the floor...yesterday very busy,n the floor has alot to do...i c the way she delicate the stuff is damn funny...very slow like tt loh...n waste alot of time also...so in order to do things fast i change the ppl to do wat...so will be much faster la...then kanna fuck by her on the spot...yayaya...stupid...for wat i do this...whether my planning is effective anot put one side...i didn't respect her as a leader...sorry la...i just wanna do faster then go home ma...so immature of me...haiz...
As usual,went to eat,then walk walk,then come back take care of dogs...super no life...nvm...i need more rest...tml double again...money still haven't come in leh...siao liao la...sit on my chair n watch the screen...wtf,friendster eve msg me...wa super long msg...nvm...read loh...her mouth super poisonous sia...so i reply wat she wanna know,n explain somethings tt she dunno de loh...got a feeling she will c my blog...wa...15 msg...saying i fuck up ah watever...i use her like a servant ah,i trying to break shiman n zhe ah...wtf...ya...my fault again...shouldn't control her money last time...how she spend de money she also dunno...then in the end dun have liao,i borrow from others she also dunno...haiz...watever...am i really so fuck up?am i so worthless?dun care...if i am i change...tt's simple...now i no gf,so cannot prove wat they say is wrong...so,let time proves loh...if i realli so fuck up,ppl got eyes to c de ma...so no worries...continue with my plans...
Onli one thing i realli wanna explain...i love zhe n shiman as my friend...i nvr even tot of they will break off becos of me...tt's all...onli thing i can say is they all immature...even from the way they say things...dunno la,others got eyes to c ba...n thanx for the remarks,i will think through it de...

Chapter XXXV: Opportunities

2007-07-08T02:55:00.000-07:00

Yeah!!! tml off!!!finally ah...work untill so hard...nvr late today...so happy...still got time for breakfast...erm...think of a strategy to counter my lateness problem...from now on,i start work at 7...haha then won't be late le loh...hoho...
Just talk about opportunities yesterday...today pop out 2 opportunities liao...is it always there or just nice...tok to my boss,cheryl today...first is tok to elly first...i was the teddy bear today....then she help me wear the stupid teddy bear thingy...then when take out tt time i had a good half an hour tok with her...understand more about the situation in g/h...so she quite interested then tell cheryl she talking to me in garden room...so cheryl interested also,y talk so long, then call me sit down at table 68 n have a nice talk...seriously,she realli is better a leader than me...she plan things very well even on where i sit...
The topic is very sensitive...i really wanna spend more time talking to them,but in the end,i drink too much water then need go toilet,so i end the tok...really learn alot from her...n she told me this when i complain i kanna fuck by new comers..."lvyn,tt's y i say u stupid,i give u a general to do u dun wan,wanna be a soldier,of cos kanna fuck la..."then i say,"u got give me a general to do meh?" then she say"i'm the manager,i got the right to let a person to be a captain if i think he's capable..."diaoz...wan me to join her again...but this time realli got the urge...but i have to follow plans...it's an opportunity for career to start off loh...but i can't spoil my plan...so i keep quiet...i have to stand firm...doesn't really matters tt much if i lost this chance...but i will sure regret if i'm too harsh...this is my decision...i wait...think till november...timing should be quite good...
Another opportunities is her...have feel loh...when i hold her arm...although in between my fingers n her arms got so many obstacles...but just felt like holding her bear...erm...n i plan my path ahead liao...n doesn't matter wat's the out come...but first thing i must confirm one thing...this thing very important...but i won't ask now...still not mature yet...wait for the time to be mature then i shall ask...when issit? i will make it asap,it's in my hands...must c the schedule then plan...hmmmm.....first time felt tt the timing is in my hand...cannot hold time then hold timing loh...good enough le...so i didn't give away the opportunities but i plan on how am i going to achieve my opportunities...
Remember i read a book when i'm young...inside says tt,a person tt fights braver n braver n nvr give up even he fails n achieve his target is consider a warrior....a person tt knows how to fight tactically,not going heads on with other ppl is call a strategist or advisor...a person tt fight with believing his ppl,at the same time let ppl believe in his leadership is call a leader in chinese call "zhu gong"n this 3 ppl tt mix together n fight, will make the leader a king...i wonder,if a person have all this 3 criterial wat will he become?i call him,king of the kings....

Chapter XXXIV: Ready,Steady,Go!!!

2007-07-06T21:32:00.000-07:00

Quote of the day 05062007:"The species tt will live through crisis does not mean to have strength,intelligence...It's the one tt fits in to changes..." am i totally right anot...dunno haha...but the meaning is call us be cockroach... someone tt can fits into changes... erm,know this long ago...but can't really fits in everytime...
Think the major changes is in me...time goes by,things changes...alot of things i once have i dun have now,maybe later i may have again,but may not be the same anymore...in some sence maybe better or worst...i dunno...just tt i changes my point of view,looking at things more easily...emotion,mental n physical,this 3 r the very important things in human...u can't lack of any one...emotionally i already controlled down...just when i controlled down,within a few minutes something came again...jer n ting...they got something on...another thing tt force ting to change...obvious...i'm not sure wat la,but i dun realli bother to know...later ba...just hear hear then talk abit,not much of a problem...it's their own choice...
Physically i have not much choice...do more stretching,eat more,drink more water...n of cos rest more...then everything will be fine...mentally,ya,have to face the stress tt is put down at g/h...not of a problem...just work as usual,be smart,not to overstress myself...if got mistake just admit,n learn from it...so simple...kanna scold by cheryl about the morning ala carte condiments...u failed urself man...noone actually teach me about tt...y lunch n dinner i can remember so well?cos i got do b4 aboyer ma....morning where got aboyer?then who's fault for i dunno wat condiment is there?she know it's her fault...so she teach me...tt's y i respect...n dun worry i will use my good memory to remember it...the paper she wrote i didn't even take a second look...i just put in effort to memorise while she teach...tt's the reason y i pass all my papers in SHATEC without studying...
Making use of my good point n changing my bad points...one of my bad point is my appearance...first i look sloppy...second i look arrogant...third is i'm not good at talking,let ppl felt tt i'm sarcastic...n in fact my character very arrogant...i must be confident in the way i tok,i do things...but not over confident...even i'm not,i shouldn't look arrogant...pull myself down to look humble...sometimes even i'm not confident i look arrogant also...wtf...so have to at least look humble...erm...difficult...but will keep on trying...alot of things i dunno,alot of things i cannot do...but i have time...the things i cannot do,i will try untill i can...tt's so simple...another problem is my temper...must know how to control,must know how to not complain...have to do so...i'm no one...seriously looking at my situation now...realli can say worthless...but i will try all the way to prove myself...another problem is i dun realli like to smile loh...sometimes la...ya,look cool...but sometimes also must smile to show my friendliness n sincerity...must change must change...still got wat problems ah?these r the few loh...i will try to change everyday...untill i succeed...
Erm...i always think tt my body can take it...how many times got problem liao...i'm human leh...out of a sudden whack so many double,sure pi one loh...i not cockroach loh...ya i need the money...n i believe i am capable of doing 12-14 shift per week.... continuously not a problem...but not now...my body has not yet get use of it...i can use my mind to force myself out,but confirm will have side effect...so no point force myself too hard to fit in the changes...slowly...next week 9 shift...if can find the 10th shift ok liao...dun force...get use to it first...how i know i get used liao?if i can everytime at least 15 mins reach g/h,everytime finish work i still can keep myself awake then should be fine liao...
So not much problems liao...stress will have...if not i won't improve...but dun over exceed...will make myself break down one...ok,like tt i will live better,noone will worry for me...when i get stable abit liao then find sometime go pao mei mei ba...haha... so Ready,Steady,Go!!!hehe laruku song again...

Chapter XXXIII: Crazy!!!

2007-07-06T19:12:00.000-07:00

Fuck...i'm almost late today...can say late la...a few minutes...tot i said wanna be early by half an hour?ah!!!y?y?y?try to sleep early yesterday,but y?morning nvr hear alarm,wake up 2 times...first b4 i wake,i dreamt of my dream gal again...then wake up c the sky still very dark,think i too gan chong liao,rest for awhile...dreamt of eve....then 2nd time c sky still quite dark,but hear some sound from outside...my grandma doing something...should not be early le...c hp,wa,0641 liao....ccb... faster wake up prepare...then touch my bed,wet wet de...not my penis area,i mean my pillow...funny,nvm,get going...then i miss the bus tt allow me to have a fast breakfast de...die liao...0725 reach security,0732 reach g/h...late....elly ask,'u late again ah?'then i k siao say no la...was talking to auntie just now... hahaha...then heard mrs chew say becareful...i everyday late...haiz how how?
So i work out this thing with my mind...food+rest=energy+growth...my growth is still there but not much of a concern,so i simplified to food+rest=energy...sound so simple...difficult part comes...food+rest=energy,energy use for work therefore work=stress+(-energy)...of cos work=money...money=food+etc...etc then dun say le,since rest+food=energy so (rest+food)-(energy+stress)=stress...after weeks of cycle the stress will accumulate,different ppl will have different level of stress due to work...therefore we must destress...different ppl different way also...for me,er hum...eat good stuff ah(-money),masturbate ah(-energy),sing ah(-energy),communicate with ppl la(-energy)...so in the end...all this will -time but in different quantity...so how?the best out of the best way...find a new gf...muahaha...when i got a gf,eat good stuff(-moneyX2)(-stressX2),sex(-energyX2)(-stressX2),sing(-stressX2),communication(-stressX?)best right?but it's a gamble...if there is something cock up with the relationship?(+stressX???cums-timeX???)haha gamble...suit my style...
All this are logical calculations...how can a life be calculated by onli logic...a human is made up of emotion n logic...stress is also one part of emotion...defers in IQ n EQ...i may have abit of IQ,but as long EQ cannot make it i still die....another way to solve the problem is push myself to a higher EQ,tolerate my stress...tt's wat i'm doing now...but there should be a limit right?this is the question tt always appear...everyday...so now,there is still some emotional stress coming about...
Eve call me today to lend her the smile cd...my smile already been taken away by u la dei...haiz...then she still wanna take back her comic....dun wanna c her... dun wan....she wanna take it fast...frankly speaking,everytime she contact me i go ki siao...out of a sudden one...y she wanna take it fast,is becos scare i dun return her...yaya...noone trust me when i'm mad...i dun even know wat i'm thinking...everything seems so funny in me...how?erm....self analyse again... (ok,u still love her?)erm...dunno...fuck...wait...yes,cos i still cannot give up the memories,cannot face the fact...(hehe good...seeing the gal tt been through with u so much,now with ur ex best friend,how u feel?)dunno,like fuck....wait...wa realli like fuck...if they realli come in face to face with me i realli feel like fuck...(y?)cos i felt tt i play a part not to treasure them,my failure,i dun dare to face my failure...(good...is it wise as lvyn,u dun dare to face ur own failure?think properly...wat should u do?)wait...i choose to kill myself cos i felt so regretted tt night...(then?regret can bring u anywhere?)no...i choose to stay alive...becos i dun wan my family to be sad..(then?living in a life like this issit better than dead?)no...worst...(do u think ur family will be happy?do u think those who realli cares for u will be happy?do u think i will be happy?)no...(do u still hate them?)no,cos i have my fault too...(so wat should u do?)shouldn't continue with my mistake...(SO,WAT'S UR FUCKING MISTAKE?)wait....i started with a relationship tt i dun love...as time goes by i take things for granted,i didn't make a fast decision to cut off everything with her...n i'm afraid tt she will be gone when i know i love her,becos i love her,tt's y i scare,she will love someone tt is better than me...n the fact is wat i suspect is correct...how many other things behind the scene i dunno,but i know this is the fact now...n i know they dun give a damn to me,cos they know tt if they r together i will definately land where i am now...i hate them becos of tt...(tot u say u dun hate them le?)yup...if i hate them i won't decide to return her the money...i return not becos i owe her...deep from my heart i counted very clearly,think she still got owe me...but y i return is becos...i didn't treasure her...i loved her so much...(open ur eyes n c carefully now...look at her friendster...look at ur room,look around u...memories...past...listen to this song....'STORY'...remember clearly?c clearly?u choose to live,means ur life dun ends here...NOW TELL ME WAT SHOULD U DO?)face the fact...dun escape...face my mistake...n nvr repeat it again...give her the money,personally take it as a challenge to myself,give her back the comic...but lazy leh,later then settle this...(good,towards shiman n zhe,wat should u do?)the things between me n eve n yao rong got nothing to do with them...the photos r in my hands to protect myself...n i didn't make up story to shiman...explain liao she dun wan to listen...nothing i can do...so just live with it...didn't hold any grudge...(good,towards jer n ting leh?)i put in so much feelings for them,i really hope tt jer will really treasure ting,n hope ting will be happy n slowly give the trust to him,n hope jer will not abuse the trust again...but i can onli hope...i totally didn't hold any grudge against them...i can contact them right away...but i need some rest...(ok fine, up to u...so how about ade?)this kind of things happen almost everyday in the world...she made the wrong decision,but for now i'm happy for her...no point i still think of her,cos i'm nothing but onli a friend...just contact her whenever i'm free...wish them good luck...(very well...tell me,wat's ur next step?)i lost myself...my heart is hollow,i dunno who the hell i was...i have to come out with my image,i have to find myself back...(after tt?)continue with my plans,on the way look out for logical or emotional opportunities...once i find the logical opportunity,then i go all the way up,once i find the emotional opportunity try to achieve,give wat i have 100%,of cos,request back the 100% from her...nvr ever take it for granted again...treasure while i'm still alife...(very well...u already recover half way...so wat u have to say?)i'm tired...realli tired...emotionally,physically,mentally...breaking up...but i will not give up...ever think of giving up everything n move to another country...but now...i will stay firm n move on...just rest abit...i look upon the future...
WTF leh...i realli go crazy...but i feel better...know wat i have to do n clear wat i am now...just now go pet shop,tok cock with sheena,she scare i become gay...i also scared leh...she say untill ma chiam i really will...so best way to counter this problem is....hehe...find babes la...yohooo...ya i may not be worthy...should i say i'm not worthy...then i will try my best to be worthy...i'm poor,then i find my way to be rich...i'm stupid,then i find my way to be clever loh...so firstly,wat attract gals?wat do gals like from guys?i know...hehe,but dun wanna say...wat will make a gal fall in love deep with u?i know also...hehe then wait wat?wait for me to be stable first...very soon...keke anyway i dun think this time realli will have ppl read to the end...my this entry abit...erm...crazily long...

Chapter XXXII: Busybody

2007-07-05T06:41:00.000-07:00

Been a few days i didn't update le...tired...n no mood...haiz...latest updates,change a new hp...samsung d830...funny y i suddenly use samsung...dunno...i'm downgrading... i bought from my bro...at least the money goes back to my family...still ok la..my phone now more like a phone... not suitable to hear mp3, onli 2 mp...i dunno i change for wat...like the design onli ba...anyway...haiz...
Been late for work recently...heard going to get black listed...no wonder this week schedule so empty...8 shift... next week 9 shift...feel like giving up...just fuck off n go find another job...but can i just fuck off like tt?cannot wat...bo bian,have to face the problem...always tell myself have to wake up early but cannot... wat's the problem?am i tt not capable?a wrong choice to even trust myself?no...i have to admit...not alot of ppl can hold their body till now...wat happen inside me i dun wanna say anymore becos dun wan others to worry liao...but i know my body well...i'm late just becos i not enough sleep,tt's all...since my body cannot, then use my brain loh... sleep early then i can wake up le wat...since dunno when i encounter this problem,but just dun wan to accept the fact tt this is the onli way to solve it...my fault again...learn new things,face the fact...dun escape from problem...
Been having a conflict with ppl at work...someone say tt part timer always call full timer to do things...by saying so get himself into shit...none of my business...but who is the part timer?think it's me...smile smile in front of me like nothing happen...ok u r a captain,dun care whether u new or old,since u hold ur position so strong tt even following a request from a part timer in order to fullfill the team work tt is needed also will disgrace u, then fine,just let me know early...i respect ur rank...but keeping quiet will onli bring us to the situation tt u have look at me n say i'm no one to 'order' u to do things... fine... i can understand... g/h is not so simple, u dunno who will back stab u...i'm standing at ur point of view...so,from now on, u give orders i obey...ok?dun worry about emotion,it won't hurt a bit...cos i onli take u as my collogue,or my superior...
Been having another conflict with another higher superior...this case abit funny...not going to mention who...she's the one tt i scare n hate most in g/h...2 years ago y i leave also becos of her... ah nvm... wan me do fast i do fast, then kanna fuck,say wat i doing is not according to SOP...if i not wrong is Standard Operation Procedures... then wat...in front of so many captains give me the shit...nb...this kind of ppl study too much, know how to work dunno how to 'zuo ren'...or maybe she just wanna aim me...i escape 2 years ago...now i face it...i still greet her as normal,try to do watever she wan...u say i'm not following the SOP,then do u fucking let me touch the SOP?i dun even know how tt book looks like...fine,nvm,i put myself even lower...learn from the basic n follow everything...u know y i have to do untill this stage?becos i got my plans...if this stage i cock up, then the adjustment for my plans all the way to my 50 years old birthday will be terrible...wtf...just joking...just tt i have to follow my plans, n i believe this is a way of learning...i know they r some wat making use of me...i'm making use of them anyway...just b4 they r useless to me,i must stay there...ah.... the funny thing is here... doing some stuff at the basin at back area...then when i turn over i elbow her...erm,some where tt is very sensitive...n in my life,first time i recognise her as a female...nbcb...nvm...say sorry then move on...after tt clear up back area,then c a high ball glass of water...erm...whose?dun care, clear...but abit thirsty,take a clear look got ppl drink b4 anot...no lipsticks mark...tt means maybe a guy one... aiya fuck care,dun waste water...just b4 tt i ask xiwen whose is tt...he say dunno...just when i take a big sip,he came n tell me it's her's....knnbccb...too late...the next thing i know she's somewhere near...faster pour away,then k siao ask her, issit her's...then refill for her n fuck off quickly... haiz...fuck sia... going to rot already...haiz...so sway...
Been toking about stupid things for the past few paragraph...haiz...my life is stupid...eve been calling me recently...one is a few days ago when i'm sleeping...another is today...i'm working...asking me when i finish work...she's somewhere near my place...keke...told her 4pm,n i cannot help...haiz...she's like nothing happened like tt...a few weeks ago still like going to kill me like tt...in the whole world,think she's the onli one tt can make me so miserable...have to admit... i lose like no body business this time...i didn't lost anything except for someppl tt i love...it's enough...enough to take away my smile...sorry,eve,didn't told u this on the phone...if u say u gonna wait for me i would say i may have OT...if untill 12 o'clock u say u still wanna meet me,i will say i not at home, i'm at yishun, so even u come my house also cannot find me...sorry,didn't tell u straight...dun wan to c u...not becos i still hate u,not becos i dun wan to pay u back the money,just becos....my wound still hurts...maybe for life...so hope u just concern when i pay u back the money, take the money use it happily with yao rong then good le...just leave me alone...i dun wan to cry infront of u again...my tears r same as me...worthless...
Been emo-ing again...let's talk about some k-po things...read her blog just now...M____...haha felt tt she very ke lian....aiya...dun think so much...pls stand in ur mum's point of view...she's caring for u onli loh...singapore is safe but it's not crimeless loh...maybe u kanna this kind of things is 1 out of a billion times,but as a parent will still be scare as long as there is a possibility...somemore scare u go outside learn bad things...nowadays bad guy in disguise alot loh...n she's not purposely aiming ur bf also loh...u got bring him home ma? maybe she still abit old ppl thinking just like my mum la,but u have to comprimise ma,in the sence of standing at her point of view n explain to her...told u liao,mature this kind of things is very important...my point of view is as long u think properly b4 u do then consider mature liao...did u think properly?did u think of her point of view?late back home do u know how she feels?especially u r a gal...my mum worst ah...told her i will come back 1am, when i was like 20 years old?she still sit down there wait for me,like scare i kanna rape like tt...haha making me guilty...next day she still have to wake up at 5...so is like think about their feelings ba...hp low batt then must be careful,either bring a extra batt or charge full b4 u leave house n use it lesser,so ur bill also lesser...at least she can contact u,somehow she feels safer ba...
Haha tell u ba...to ur mum,u r a gal tt still likes to play...this is the fact isn't it?play is not wrong...up to wat extend n must c play wat...the best way is just prove urself mature...let them know u r studying well...make them know u know how to use ur money...as long they think u becoming mature,then they will have more confidence tt u will take good care of urself....then slowly will give u more freedom le wat....same as u go outside work..interview tt time, working tt time...ur superior will give a task to someone tt is childish ma?cheerful n childish is 2 different thing...u can be mature n cheerful in the same time u know?haha dun think so much...u r a clever gal...i know...
I'm the one tt think too much...none of my business right?dunno she read my blog liao will fuck me upside down anot...haha after reading her blog i found myself is the no life ppl tt she mention...today after work do wat? go into my room on com,then lie on bed awhile then i knock out le,then 8 plus wake up do wat?go makan,then go buy bread then come back use com le...after this?go bath then sleep again...the most b4 i sleep watch anime...haha...super no life...better dun get close to others life...told myself le...dun get too close into other ppl's life le...nvm, i'm just busybody...

Chapter XXXI: Not pointless

2007-07-03T00:00:00.000-07:00

Wa...today notice i got 202 friends in friendster... ting onli got 206.... normally this kind of things gals should have more right? but y i have so much... somemore she's tt kind of sociallising one... erm... cos i know more n more ppl le ba... haha dun think it's too good... still ok la... when got problem hope can help out each other... but felt tt my existance is not a good thing...
I ever think of this... if i not born, perhaps the world will be better... think alot of ppl thinks the same... eve also think b4... especialy for me now... how i wish i did not exist... things may be good ba... haha of cos i can say i did give in to my environment happiness la... thinking tt if i don't exist this question itself is so childish... but i'm so tired.... always tired... i know y le... my heart is tired... after so many things, really feel like sleeping forever... but my times' still not up ba... cruel to say i have to carry on... sucks...
Was pretty sad today... out of a sudden, miss her alot... someone i may not love now... someone walk through with me alot...now she's gone... i dunno wat else i did wrong, but i know missing her is not wrong... none of others business...i'm not wrong...she can't stop me, he can't stop me... their existance is true...ting's msn put,'it takes a lifetime to built a relationship,but takes a second to break it...' pretty true...for me,'it takes me long time to love someone,also takes me long time not to love tt someone'
Ever think of finding a replacement,sorry la miss chandra... how silly i am.... lucky she nvr fall for me...so, not to do anything stupid like this... got some feeling for someone... but b4 i step in, i reject...cos it's impossible... same thing will happen again n again... b4 i step in i must reject... cos i dun worth it anymore... ever felt tt, when she's with me, i felt tt i'm someone worth to be love... b4 tt i doubt, now i confirm i dun worth it le... so,ya i'm single... but i'm not available... dunno till when... i realli dunno... ya i'm a loser... after so long still stay here... dunno y... cos i love her ba... i realli wanna tell her this last time... i realli regret nvr let her know..."loving u makes me happy everyday..."
Yaya... kanna struck by the lightning of regret n guilt.... everyday... shiok... ya everything is my fault la... i regretted...none of u r wrong u c...so dun feel sad or regret...but till the end, i still have to stand up... cos there's ppl tt still cares n feels for me... thanx ah...i didn't die becos u all r there... cos u all give me this life... hope i realli can move out of other ppl's life...to other's now i will just be a hi bye friend la...
Ting,actually i wanna contact u la... but just felt tt i not there better ba...after the storm of u n jer...i didn't do much... but now i think he would really regret wat he did to u...like how i regret... good to have u giving him another chance...at least he won't feel the same way like me... thanx for having my advice...at least he's happy now...n he will be the one who make u happy...i dun wan to be in ur life anymore...cos i'm tired...i'm really really tired...i can't take it anymore...doesn't mean we r not friends...but just like the time when i'm with eve,not getting too close to u guys...this time round think u all will be doing fine le ba...i love u guys too... take care...
Now i know...a small part of me can't let go...i'm just using present to cover up the past...possible for others, not for me... i love them n i wish they r happy...but i dun wanna c them... cos it's realli painful....i'm not so generous...so best if i dun ever c them untill....i dunno...i need tt love...i start to imagine future...someone....so blur...can't c her face...dunno who...she will be the one...maybe onli in dreams ba...i'm again using the future to cover the past...future is a mystery...so there's another point y i live till tml... living,it's not pointless...
I'm waiting... eve u remember tt song... hehe rip it from cd le...ur ipod still have this song ma? name is 'Hitomi no Juunin', 'In the eye', "瞳の住人"... my favourite song u remember? dun think u will... it's still my favourite... anyway i can sing liao... u won't be able to hear... i'm now waiting for the person tt fit to hear me sing this song,n tt fit to be in my eyes to come...

Chapter XXX: MONEY!!!

2007-07-02T00:53:00.000-07:00

Hey, nowadays i learn something... it's about money.... money is like a weapon... in ancient times, they believe a good weapon has it own soul... it will choose owner.... the stronger it is, it will follow a stronger owner... n work for him... if the owner is not strong enough, the owner will be control by the weapon...
Same la... if u r strong.... u will have money... if u r stronger, u will have more money.... a millionaire told me this..."make ur money work for u, not u work for money..." i think it's correct... so in order to let lots of money work for me, i must be strong...in the sense of capability... am i capable to make a million dollar to work for me?not for now i know.... now i'm so weak... i work for money... once i got a better amount of money, i will try hard to make it work for me... then it will grow as the same time i grow...
M____ told me just now... there r different type of ppl... theorist, someone who onli follow books... believe in boks n theory.... activist, someone who take risk but think twice.... n pragmantist, someone who dare to take lotsa risk.... i'm a activist,but soon will become pragmantist... i'm born to be so.... i can say it's in my blood... i felt tt it's the fastest way to get rich...n fastest way to let my family n friends enjoy, of cos myself also... so i will gamble... to get lotsa money....(note: M____ is not MONEY...)
So how rich i wanna be....for now i think, if i got a monthly income of 1 million, then i should be quite alright.... but maybe time changes, this amount also changes...

Chapter XXIX: 25 hours

2007-07-01T22:58:00.000-07:00

Erm.... rest enough liao... bath liao... later have to bath for them... aiya haven't hang my clothes also... nvm... i got an extra hour to settle... hehe nowadays i'm busy, but i found my way to control my time liao... calculate my time, i found tt ma chiam i got 25 hours like tt... good good.... now i already so energetic le... hehe... just took a half an hour sleep onli.... learn time management from a book then improvised... found the secret to manage time... energy, money, time, all link de... i had a tough time learning this secret man...
Erm... let's talk about work... there is so much problem in work.... where i'm working? a 6 star kopi tiam...this is wat CK told me... now i know... service speed slower than fast food... service n food quality not better than a fine dinning restaurant... hygine level lost macdonald... food n beverage presentation lost to alot of places... so wtf? cannot make it la... it's fnb director n manager's problem... wat to do? i dun think i'm working full time liao... but i will still carry on as part time to learn more things...i ever tot i had nothing to learn liao... but think carefully, still got alot leh... especially communication skills... one of the most important thing to learn.... be brave n put it to practice... yesterday entertain 3 table of guest... especailly with tt kind of crowd... it's horrible... get to know a hotel staff's parent, another table, get to receive 2 paino piece played by a guest, n got a email address of a french business man on another table...so happy... haha...
Remember very clearly... quote of the day on 29 june 2007,'knowledges n skills r at no value, if not put to practice...' i agree.... then y the fuck r the full timers folding napkins while i work like dog? cos gh wan them to fold perfect napkins? fuck la... u know i found how many wrong napkins fold?i dun understand la...carry on... not my fuck problem... i know, have to practise more on communication skills... my fucking weak point...at the same time earn lotsa money... to come out with my plans... tt's it... not going to bother wat the full timers do...

Chapter XXVIII: Off-ed day...

2007-07-01T20:16:00.000-07:00

Fuck...now then wake up...when out for a walk n had lunch...erm dinner le ba... saw yao rong just now... ah, dun bother to talk to him... dunno he saw me anot... he was sitting outside toilet... at novena square... means eve should be around... most probably in the toilet... ah... fuck care... go walk a few rounds then come back le... if they call me then i call back... i hold no grudge...
Yesterday i write blog half way i go take a nap... sleep untill 5 then wake up... had a night mare... dunno wat, forget liao... then suddenly something explode in my room... scare the shit out of me, i c my table, vodafone gone!!! wtf? u mean the vodafone explode? i on the light then c, pink colour shattered pieces... erm... looks familiar... look like my lighter... then c the lighter on my table shattered...ermmmmm... y ah? where my vodafone go ah? it's on the floor, not spoil ba... think think... erm i know liao... i nvr close my vodafone, it's on the lighter... heated too much then the lighter explode, then my vodafone fly away... lucky nvr fly out of the window...haha heng heng..
Aiya, forget to buy underwear... b4 i go out i throw my clothes in my washing machine to wash... not enough underwear to wear leh... the last one i wore 3 days... now nvr wear... wtf... have to buy more, so no need scare if i no time to wash....erm, now go where buy sia...nvm... go down c have anot... then shun bian transfer 2nd sgt M the money... hoho...he would be happy ba... wahaha here goes my off day...

Chapter XXVII: Sleepy

2007-07-01T01:25:00.000-07:00

Wa this week really damn tough... finally end of the week liao... but i realli seeing the effect of torturing myself like this... first, dunno y i dun have the appetite to eat... eat very little... getting skinnier, but my strength is stronger than last time leh... normally human will have veins on their hands right? nothing funny... but mine abit too much ba, not onli hand... legs, stomach, chest... some ppl say this is sign of fatigue, some say i too skinny... no matter wat i'm going to get fatter... force myself to eat alot recently... think later go buy one bottle whip cream as milk to drink.... second, my vision getting blur... sometimes far far away things can c well, sometimes blur off... sometime black out... funny right? thirdly, nose bleeding... twice so far, one is today... fourthly is muscle pain... aiya very normal, but my neck really very pain... cramp liao... lastly is headache, then sometimes left half of my face become numb... like not my face... hoho... die liao...
Dun give a damn la... drink more water n get to sleep asap... nothing much to do anyway, the most check mail, then sometimes watch cartoon, comic... not much i will do... my time lies with my dogs, sleep,bath, shit n presario... others all transport n work... i know very no life, but getting use liao... shut up against relationship,friendship liao...still got some friends la, but didn't get it too hard liao... after so much just felt tt relationships or wat is just something to torture each other n making each other go crazy or even kill themselves... read ting blog... care for u then tell u ade is alright de... somemore she's not small kid sure will take care herself de... plus she got such a good bf... u dun have faith in her ma? u dun trust my words ma? i also care for her de... maybe u also felt tt i say rubbish just like them, then 4get it ba... no feelings liao... haha tired is good de... care about nothing onli care to sleep...but once i boring, i will think again... feel like getting crazy,knowing u cannot take it too... we like making each other crazy like tt... watever it is, just let go ba... nothing is more important than sleep liao...erm, rest awhile...later wake up then bath...

Chapter XXVI: Doesn't Matter

2007-06-28T10:48:00.000-07:00

Work double yesterday n today... i was late today... fuck up... totally cannot hear the alarm... g/h call me, totally nvr hear... untill my lao po zai call me then i pick up... it was already 8... fuck... can't pull my body up... i know my temperature these few days la... not very high la,but dunno y so giddy n shack... haha frank to say la, i'm sick... cos no time drink wat ba... haha is forget to drink... headache ah... but dun dare to say, scare they dun let me work... onli my lao po zai knows... now i ok abit le... keep drinking water today but pee still very yellow... die la... dun give a damn la... just disappointed with myself... so fast reach limit liao... haiz... work at night even more sian... kanna fuck by yoke kuan for nothing... the guest order things troublesome then my fault... i'm trying my best to get wat the guest need most my fault... for wat u scold me la... no mood to work plus i already reach my limit... so whether they can go early whether everything will go smoothly,doesn't matter...
Childish hor? haha go back to last time liao... felt tt part time really like tissue, need to use then take dun need then throw away...fuck sia... everytime call me go split shift... everytime c the full timer do nothing then i work like dog...onli c them work when need to save cos when i have to go... the full time always can sit down talk... dunno who full time who part time...ccb...but then y i still work there? first is to earn money fast, second is to increase my capabalities... so kanna make used like tt does it matter? yes,cos i can master wat i learn faster n become even more professional... so i du lan for fuck....just too tired... wanna be childish for awhile... so let it be... hoho...
Go friendster,saw eve view my profile... browse her profile n photos... haha happy with him now... good... some kind of fate i think... although i will still think about the memories everyday, still sometimes will cry,but i'm just blaming myself... doesn't matter le... whether i'm happy or sad doesn't matter much to anyone... i cry or laugh doesn't matter le... wat matter me most is how am i climbing up... the rest doesn't matter le... after ting tt dai ji i realli c open le...
Tired, really tired... lao po zai bought me this tt day...

so sweet... so happy... but doesn't matter le... she got bf,she is old enough to think le... she is just my another collegue...my superior... think she also another one getting married soon de ba... watever... saw crystal(swee ching) today again... felt tt she more n more cute n happy le... think get used to the environment le ba... she also a good gal... first time felt tt she's attractive... dunno she like me or dun like... always like to suan me untill very jia lat although she's not good at it... so sad... haha watever,doesn't matter... still got alot of things... g/h politics is damn gao also... if i join full time most probably will kanna also, although now i already kanna whack in the face liao...but.... same old thing, doesn't matter anymore... onli money n my future matters...

Chapter XXV: Instinct

2007-06-26T07:55:00.000-07:00

This is the word i use when eve ask me y i love her last time... memories... i c it all... all around me... i missed...not onli her, all the things... u know wat? it's painful... i know may not be as painful soon... but i dun wan to have any of this type of memories again... so shut up my heart, cut off my friends, not going to start a relationship again... dunno till when... be alone... if lonely just work, read... increase knowledge... dun wanna feel this kind of pain anymore... the feeling now is like maybe a few years later when i think back of these memories i will still cry... i think i still got the photo at home... the one at laviva, we take together... realli... dunno how long this sadness last... sometimes felt tt death will realli cure... but fair to my family ma? i still have to protect them... so pain... i will not die,as long as in my reachable means... now hearing a song from hyde... his last personal album, faith... a song named 'Season call'... very nice n very different from the rest of the album... i wanted to edit the lyrics to english for eve last time, tt night i first break with her... really cannot leh... but there is a few lines i realli felt tt is describing my feeling for her now...

"How many cut should I repeat?

How many fate should I accept?

Does it ever ends?

You taught me how to love,

I feel,

I can do anything...

My beloved season call me,

Because I always feel you in me..."

The season means, to my point of view la... most of the ppl have a time in life where they got lots of time, for singapore, it's when studying, i n eve also started tt time... we got lots of time together doing things we like... the memories is so sweet... although there's quarrel but it's happy... alot of ppl won't wan to give up this relationship, although alot did, i did too... but even if next time we had a new relationship or even married, we will sometime think back... tt season,calls our soul back to time...feeling each other in our heart... if i analyse correct then this song surely not written for his wife de... wtf...

Instinct... example, dog got a instinct is to self defence, most animal have... birds' is to fly, fishes' is to swim... human leh? think i got written this topic in my last book... now i got a different thinking of my own instinct... eve should know... my instinct is to fight... chinese call "zhan dou"... yao rong ever told me he wan to stay by the sea side n enjoy life when he retire, me too... but i was thinking, u wan a 20+ kid staying at tt kind of place for the rest of the life? wu siao bo? ya, when i'm old... but for now, i wan to fight... found three important things in me, way to love, purpose of life, reason to fight... to love someone is to make her happy... to a extend with ownself's foresight, guiding her, giving advice... when come to betrayal or wat, just accept, love her, wish her happy, of cos telling her this is not correct n leave her, let her think for herself... this i my way to love... i know alot of ppl cannot catch the ball...nvm... purpose of life is to create a heaven in earth, this i say b4 le... reason to fight is to protect... ownself, emotional n physical, n test the strength of one self,the soul created by god(if there is), body created by parents, to the very extend, setting the limit sky high, n to over take everyone to reach the sky, not in one particular direction, n is in all directions... fnb, achitect, engineering, computer,health products, everything on business side...languages, intelligence,attitude,skill of observation, analysation, concentration, multi-tasking,communication skills, skill of acting, skill in chess, martial arts, skill of love making,watever i can find i will try my very best to excell... of cos including i like it la... challenge anyone visible... this is my instinct.... issit other's too? i dunno... of cos base on the most profitable in finacially one first... becos i need to eat... ya... my reason to fight, my instinct, is to test my limits...

Chapter XXIV: Shut up

2007-06-26T07:19:00.000-07:00

Been working morning today... late....cos really damn tired.... stomach pain also... cannot take it liao... the pressure is too much for me liao...as usual the giving up feelings come again... without hesitation i choose not to give up... i choose this path,i won't just give up like tt...
Went to work...saw lao po zai... give out my hundred percent to support her... she the onli one i work with i can give hundred percent one... cos i like her the most... childish... i wan to get nearer to her... not onli as collegue, also as friends... of cos i think abit else wise la... in the end she indeed think else wise... she's a good actoress i guess... the format of facial expression is so different from others when come to rejection of certain things... perhaps i dun understand her enough ba... nvm... as long she's happy today... the reason y she cried yesterday is becos ppl accused her... i dunno who la, but the problem is my bro teach me one thing when i'm young...my dad always like to accuse ppl... i kanna accused... my bro says, it's very silly to cry when ppl accuse u, cos it's a way tt u admit tt u do wrong... if u nvr do wrong then y the fuck u cry? so when i grow up i think this way... if i failed myself i will cry,sad, but if ppl accuse me call them go fuck spider... i'm like tt...when grow even older i found tt this way is not correct... it's correct la, but will make life even more tough... being accuse means something bad happened n ppl's at fault,not ur fault, but ppl will always push to others... in any case like tt, must c situation la, can carry the fault then just carry just to reach the aim u wan... world is fuck up... so in ways of surviving, i also become fuck up... tt's y... alot of principle in life really can bend untill 180 degrees de,just becos of situation....
Went back home, watch bleach, halfway knock out...too tired... then ting call me...first thing is "ccb!!!" tt is one of the key word tt will instantly ignite the fire in a tired person...but i nvr fuck her back immediately... it's becos of ade la... i can confirm one thing, i'm not at fault for keeping the secret...ade tell me the news call me dun say out, i nvr say out got wrong meh? ccb... this is the second time in life i show my temper to her loh... everybody got their secret to keep, even to their closest,even if u not happy then come fuck me for wat? u wan to scold just scold ade la... she wants to keep wat... somemore u got think for her anot? she is someone so kind tt won't like to let her problems go to others de...i know i say i will help her, but she won't even let me help...expected...but of cos i have my way, tt one later then say.... problem is her character is like tt wat, tt's y i love her so deep tt time... u understand anot? u got think of my fucking feeling anot? i know u got... but not as first picture, i also got think of ur feeling, but i can't do a shit also... i onli can say i'm not angry now... but now we like bi bin already loh... i really treasure this friendship of urs... but.... u just ignite the bomb in me... all this shit begins with eve, yaorong,then after tt link to sandra, zhe... i already fucking down the cliff liao... then now becos of this u come fuck me upside down... i realli very pain loh... seriously speaking, didn't i show my love to eve b4? didn't i treat yao rong as my bro b4?just becos i scare to lost tt's y i suspect...my fucking fault... i know... i'm sorry... didn't i show my love care concern to shiman n zhe? go ask them n ans from heart... have anot? i always try to treat them good,money or wat ever nvr really go kay kao... sad feelings i also try not to show them,so wat the fuck now?n u? jer? becos of u i ever hate him so fucking alot u know? wan to kill him too... becos of his father, becos of the memories with him becos u love him, now leh? try my best to help him, try my best already... u leh?tell me now la...didn't i care for u enough? becos of u i quarrel with eve how many times liao? i really dun understand... bringing my heart out to love all of u n wat the fuck i get now? i'm more than disappointed... i dun hate u all.... u all go think... dun get the ball i also lan lan suck thumb... still think i tt fuck up i'm a loser just go ahead... we shall c.... life's short but dun ends here.... c who's right who's wrong... i trust,i'm right... c in the future who will get struck by the fucking lightning of gulit n regret... i had enough already.... i'm shutting up already... i'm a human too... i got my emotion... n at this rate i will get no where.... i will not accomplish wat i wan, i will not be able to protect anything.... i shut up...